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Hi
Sorry, I haven't posted for ages. I finally went to the Drs at Christmas and was diagnoised with delayed pnd and have finished work to spend time with my 4 children.
My ex still travels hundreds of miles every other weekend to see 3 of the children, however, my youngest 18mths, doesn't go as he doesn't know him. I used to let my ex come in on the Saturday evening when he brought my other two children home to familirise himself with him but about 6 weeks ago he became very intimidating. He wanted to have the children overnight, which was fine (not the baby) but when I asked for the address he was staying at he refused saying that I had his mobile phone number.
Long story short I phoned emergency social worker who said I was right to know where my children were and spoke to him as well. He ony has PR for oe of the children.
Well, he has a new partner that he didn't want me to know about, and said to my mum I couldn't be trusted (presumably because he thought I would go there when he wasn't in town - as if I have time, or want to?) One of the children stayed over the other was too upset and stayed home. Well after that he is no longer allowed in my house and has lost that opportunity to see the youngest. As a consequence, my babe doesn't want to go with him at all, he is a stranger to him.
On the last fortnightly visit I told him I was going out on the Sunday morning, apparently he turned up, but I hadn't gone out. I received a text saying that we needed to get this sorted out officially and get solicitors. That night he said that a solicitor had advised him he needed PR and that a court in London would sort it (think he was trying to scare me) Also the solicitor said to take the babe even if he was crying as it would be just like leaving him at nursery (which he has not been).
I have arranged a first appointment with a solicitor, the one I was going to go with was the one he spoke to so after a phone back to say sorry but you need to find someone else as name rings a bell but nothing in writing (even though I had given them background info) I went with another (not many legal aid solicitors and this one prosecuted him in a criminal case 5 years ago) He won't be happy but the other choice was 5 doors away from his new partners.
Can anyone give me some advice as to what I need to ask the solicitor to do. We have been separated for over 2years but there does not seem to be any closure. He expects to take the car seats, for me to provide toothpaste/brushes for the older two. Thing is he took the family car and I had to sell the little car and get a loan to buy a people carrier when he left as well as a new tv. The thing he has asked for is PR, not more contact or times when he can have the children longer. I am assuming he really only wants PR so he can control me through the children as he has often said they are 50% mine, like they are property. I don't want to go to my appointment completely emotional but need to ensure that everything I am doing is for the benefit of the children.
Sorry for the essay, I have got lots of advice from onespace over the months.
Hello second time single mum
It is good to hear from you again and also good to hear you sounding more upbeat, I am glad you got some help from the doc and of course you have left your work which was very tiring.
You ask what to say to the solicitor. My suggestion is that you write down what you need to say, in a series of bullet points.
The PR issue, ask whether this will just go through automatically. Ask what the implications are. I do know that one of the things it would mean is getting his permission for some things, eg going abroad for more than a holiday but also that you then have a stronger case for getting child support!
Ask about his parenting time, especially with the youngest and especially if the children get upset
Ask if mediation can be arranged so that the children can get to feel comfortable about being with him before they go over night.Although he has not mentioned defined contact he obviously feels commitment to the children if he is coming so far to see them
Have a think about whether you are going to instigate divorce proceedings, if you were married, and discuss that with the solicitor if appropriate.
Hope this has inspired some thoughts!
Thank you for your responses. I know he loves the girls and even though he doesn't know our youngest I have never denied him seeing him. I know also that his visits will show his commitment. I don't doubt he loves the children, however, from past experience when he went through his criminal case he kept every record of every conversation, receipt etc to use as evidence in case he needed to. He was dumped by his mum as a 15 yr old along with his siblings so i know he has some trust issues to get over. I am on the FP and they think he is just using PR to be in control. I already feel like a prisoner in my home at weekends waiting to see if the kids are coming back and his daily 5 minute talk with our youngest.
I am scared, he knows that and he mentioned he could get temporary residencey for the babe to get to know him.
I can't see any temporary residency happening. If he goes through the courts the chances are that he will have to build up a relationship with the babe...
The status quo is that the children live with you and see him every other weekend. Something awful would need to happen for that situation to change overnight.
I don't think he would get that either. It would have to be an emergency situation. CAFCASS and the authorities are far more likely to recommend a gradual "getting to know you" programme, which may involve BOTH of you being with the child so that confidence can be built.
You were saying that he's keeping a record of everything that is said.
Do keep a record - a diary if you can - of all his saying. Try to keep emotions out of it (so easy - not!) but then you can show how his behaviour is towards you.
I am going to tell him to put the babe in the car today and take him for 4hrs, it is going to be hard but I know it will be harder on the babe when he is older and he will soon forget this time. More emotional for me, but it's only 4hrs then he can bring him back. I don't think either of us are ready to be introoduced to his new girlfriend so I am not offering to pick the babe up.
I do keep a diary since it all blew up a couple of months ago and I am not taping all our conversations, which I know are inadmissable but somehow they keep me calm and I can review them to see that I am not being unreasonable or not allowing him access.
It will be a very long time before I will allow my babe overnight and he only stays in a 2 bed flat with this woman and her daughter, although I think most of the time her daughter goes to her dad. I get annoyed that he leaves my others with her when he comes here as they don't know her. He doesn't take a pushchair for the babe so I know he just wants to show him off like a trophy at the moment. I think it will be a real shock for him having all three as even I notice the difference in just having two.
I waited last night for 5.30 for when he is supposed to bring back any of the children if they want to come over and then text at quater to six to say guess they are not coming home (I had asked to send me a text either way) He brought one daughter home at nearly ten to seven. Their usual bedtime is seven!
I have transferred all of my diary to a word doc for the solicitor, that way I will hopefully not be as emotional and get exactly what is needed to make things more formal for the childrens contact. Even though he travels a long way, I don't feel any compassion as he gave up a well paid job here (lived here since he was a child) to go to Scotland to become a student again, all because he wants the title Dr in front of his name. Because he is a student for 3.5 years he doesn't have to pay a penny in maintenance and when he left to my knowledge he had about £40000 in savings. I wanted to be a family, desperate that we would make it work but he said I should put him first before the kids. He didn't even tell the uni that he had a family so as to not scupper his chances of being accepted.
Well I really think you are doing your best and you have taken the suggestions on board. It is not a problem being emotional at the solicitor's office, they get it all the time! I supppose I just felt when it was me that as it was a business appointment I would try to go into business mode.
It's annoying and frustrating when times are not stuck to, and that is something that needs ironing out. As you say it would be a shock having several children to look after, so maybe that is another card in your hand?
Let us know what the solicitor says.
best wishes from me, and I hope things go well today.
xx
Got the car seat out and told him to put it in the car - he was shocked (but he probably thinks he has scared me into doing it) Then I handed baby over, I was sad but fine. Babe cried all the way to the car, it got to me when babe started saying mum mum mum mum. He put him in car still crying and not screaming but a little distressed. I have seen him more distressed. He got him out of the car to pasify him, bad move, babe thought he was coming back and he did. Ex said he couldn't see him this distressed!
Problem is he hasn't got the parenting skills to deal with little ones as he has never had to. I was relieved to get my baby back, my other little daughter went and I told her to give her sister a hug and kiss from me as he never brings them with him.
At least I have done the first move. Just got to wait to see my solicitor now and see what to do next. I have never had a problem with my girls going, but I think now that he is not down just to see the kids but his new girlfriend as well he is not taking 100% responsibility for them when he has them.
Well done for doing that. It must have been extremely hard for you, seeing and hearing your toddler in distress.
Yes. Well done for doing this. It is horrid, I know, but it also means he cannot point any fingers...
Sorry, but The Git used to get a kick from pointing fingers my way...
Hi second time single mum, phew, the massive web of tangled mess that some ex's weave can be exhausting.
After reading through this thread,I wonder whether if you would consider defining times and dates for your children. I think it is unfair that the children get to decide if they are coming home and it also leaves you hanging too.
It sounds as though there is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. I think the girls need to know that they can come home if they want, but that neither you nor their dad expect them too, as young as they are they can learn to manipulate this situation and I feel they are too young to be making these kind of decisions as you feel that they are in a safe environment.
It sounds as though you have concerns about the new girlfriend. From my experience of FP, she is probably as lovely as you are! I think we fear that she is going to be the all controlling woman, but your ex has probably found someone that he can continue all the tactics that he has used on you before now.
When I finally met my ex's 'new girlfriend' she was gorgeous, I was completely shocked, I expected an ogre or someone that could 'deal' with him better than I could. My daughter really enjoyed spending time with her and I actually felt safer knowing she was around, should anything happen on access weekends. I have to say, she WAS smarter than me though! She saw through him and didn't put up with his c***,she called the Police the first time he raised his hand to her and left him pretty sharpish!
Just remember, he will say random things to try and knock you off balance, especially the more confident you feel. So discuss with your solicitor exactly what YOU want for yourself and your children and ignore any other stuff that he has to say ie: temporary residence, Courts in London.
When do you go to the solicitors?
Hi
I'm glad that you have been to see your GP and got help.
I'm afraid that what I may say won't be quite what you want to hear, so I'm sorry if I upset you.
Personally, I feel that the fact that their Father is willing to travel 100s of miles to see them shows tremendous commitment.
Things were not that great with my ex. I bought toothbrushes for the children to leave at their Dad's house, and they would take a rucksack with clothes in for the weekend. The clothes didn't always come back straight away, but did after a text. When they needed new toothbrushes, the children would tell me and I'd replace them. My daughter even had a hairbrush in her bag.
As for wanting to use the car seats. They are expensive to buy, and I'm guessing he does incur the costs for fuel. I did buy a booster seat for the ex's car, and as one child had grown out of the car seat, ex had that one pemanantly.
While I appreciate this doesn't sound fair, my priority was ensuring that the children were safe when in his car. I know he knew how to put the car seats in (we have four children too), so that part I never doubted him.
I also knew that his priority too was to keep the children physically safe.
There were times I had to prise my daughter off me to go to her Dad. I'd yell at him to take her off me. Before things got "strange" they always had a great time with their father. Also my lot met three girlfriends, and each became fiances - but he did marry the third (to which my daughter said third time lucky...!)
The right is with the children to have a relationship with both parents. My lot rightly love their father. I was a Daddy's girl, and I never wanted to take that chance away from my daughter... Who happens to be very much a Mummy's girl, but that has been down to their Father choosing to see very little of them.
When my lot were with him, they were not allowed to contact me - even when he lived about 5 minutes walking distance away. I never agreed with this, as my lot have always been able to contact their Father whenever they want.
Perhaps he is requesting PR to have a part in their lives. He will be - and should be - involved in choices with their eduction WITH you, and perhaps even being involved in medical care. My ex came with me to a couple of parents evening when our eldest was at secondary - we even sat side by side. Not easy, but it was his right to be there and my son thought it was great he was. Sadly, The Git didn't feel able to carry on doing this. And the children do notice that he isn't there...
The chances are he will be granted PR. He still may not choose to see more of the children, but PR is really something he's entitled to.
Does the solicitor your seeing specialise in family law? When things did get "strange" in my case, a friend advised me to ensure I got a family solicitor, and I have to say she was very effective. That was not to stop or reduce contact though, but to try and resolve issues that were upsetting the children.
Would your ex be willing to give your Mum his address? I have not officially been given The Git's last two addresses or landline number. I'm not even certain as to what part of the country he lives in now, as he's decided to become a full time student. However, I do have a good relationship with my ex-in-laws, and know that should there be a need, he can at least be contacted by them.
In my case, The Git chooses not to be involved with the children. In your case, your ex is choosing to drive many miles to see them every other weekend, and to be involved in their lives.
I do feel too that its coming to the point where he is going to be wanting to build up a relationship with your youngest too.
My youngest was 'just' five when we split up, and I do know how horrid it was to be away from them every other weekend. I acutally took them to their Dad's house (he was about 6 miles away) as I found dropping them off was easier for me than watching him drive away with them.
So, I'm sorry that this may not be agreeing with how you're feeling - although I'm as bitter as they come... I'm not even defending your ex, even though I know I sound as if I am. I just know that my lot still love their Dad, and they will know that I have done all I could to make sure they had the chance to a relationship with their Father and that they won't be able to point a finger at me when they're all adults (my lot are getting on a bit now).