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We have a number of people on here who have coped with abusive relationships and some who are still finding this very much overshadows their lives.
So as things settle down, as court is done and dusted, as time passes....how do we live without abuse?
This may sound like a really silly question, after all, the thing we have been wishing for (peace and quiet) is here. But do you know what...it's pretty boring without everything going on and awful though the terror and stress was, at least it was SOMETHING.
So how do we re-focus and get REAL freedom from abuse?
Jean Paul Sartre (French philosopher) said " “Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.”
And that is it. No-one can change what has been done to them, or the hard times they have had. True freedom is how we handle it from now on in. So come on, everyone, what is the way to obtain your freedom..what will you do to move your life forward? What new goals can you strive for?
Interesting question I had to ponder this for a while.
For me, I found Freedom when I stopped blaming him for everything. I started owning the situation. I realised that if I let him get away with things I will continue to blame him for them. If I took control of the situation then I could only blame myself, which actually is harder!
Alongside blaming him I let everything go. I chose to lose the hate, the angst, the anger and resentment. Some people might say this is forgiveness and perhaps in a sense it was, although at the time I wouldn't have agreed to this! I chose to love myself more than hate him.
My daughter often says "Here's to the first day of the rest of your life" and I find freedom in that, even 12 years later. 
talking b*llocks sorry
IDT you usually talk a lot of sense!
Freedom by owning the situation Anna? yes, that makes sense to me...at first I thought to stop blaming him, to stop being a victim meant that I was blaming MYSELF. not so. For me, it was about saying "he did what he did, and I refuse to allow that to dog me anymore. I made a bad choice of partner but from now on my life choices in ALL areas will be good ones"
Freedom to me is being able to break the shackles I still have in my brain.
Then i have achieved ultimate freedom.
Love this, nice one Shockedmum.
I also wanted to share what Mamabee said in her post in a different thread:
I have noticed in one of the forums that someone asked what now-after leaving??...and I say the freedom,..the smile through my pain(actually being able to smile again just makes it all worthwhile! :) and one day I know I'll wake up and that awfully painful wound in my heart and head will be nothing but just a mark that will signify the experience and lessons I learnt from it.
That is so deep.
But my wounds are still here.
I wake up in tears sometimes thinking about it.
One day i wont care!
That day is the DAY I LOOK FORWARD TO.
Hi there
IDT, I have just seen your message under mine and wondered if it was directed at what I wrote? If so, I am up for discussion! I re read what I wrote and recognise that I am 10 years down the road, so I can articulate what went on for me. It didn't happen overnight and it wasn't always a conscious decision, but basically that is how I moved on from the pain.
Shockedmum, every time you wake and feel those wounds could you counterbalance them with all the positives in your life? Have you been to counselling?
Oh no! Sorry drew what you mean, no I wrote something out off what I thought and then when I posted it i didn't like it I felt I was talking rubbish.
in what I wrote I did question you a bit on the fact that if he does something it's him not your responsability
but the message I left was no way directed at you Anna x
I see it as my responsibility for how I react or deal with the situation.
So like when he grafittied outside my front door that I was a sl*g, I had the choice of f'ing and blinding, phoning him up and shouting at him, telling everybody what I thought of him and feel intimidated, stressed out and unnerved. (Which is how I had behaved in the past)
Or although I did feel intimidated, stressed out and unnerved, I took a couple of photos, painted over it then after dropping daughter off at school (luckily she never saw it, although did comment on the gloss paint on the outside wall!! I didn't do a great job you see!) I went to the police station and reported it.
Of course there were no witnesses, so nothing ever came of it, however I had chosen to rely on professionals and separate myself from him.
So perhaps in your 'key' situation, you remove the blame from him and just think of it as fact. He did this to you and you report it. Yes of course you will feel upset, hurt and perhaps intimidated or you may feel angry, resentful and want to cause him pain, but none of these feelings are going to change what happens in the future. You could attack him physically or verbally, but again this will only have a negative impact on you. You can't control him, you can only control your own thoughts and feelings. Do you see what I mean?
Yes I do see what you mean
x
I came to realise that, although mine wasn't a physically abusive relationship (our problems centred around money), I was being abusive to myself and it pains me to say it, to my kids, by living in a situation that I knew was wrong.
I am not yet free, but I have given myself the opportunity to be ............
Yes I get what you mean seriously
i think for me because it was a long relationship this sounds sh*t now but
i became used to it, expected it got so addicted to the abuse couldn't live without
then yep you treat yourself badly don't eat I drank loads to blok it out its bad when your wishing to babe in it cos you carnt live without if
leads to risk taking not going GP just running yourself into the ground leads to hurting yourself its a f*** sad place to be
i wasn't aware of my kids I'd lost all sense of reality I'd detatched he'd from em I just knew keeping myself there was being next to my drug (him)
so turning it around now to look after yourself properly etc is so hard I can not take tablets still my mind says no
but I'm getting there now I kfreeing free now ish ;)
It's a crazy place to be alright, so addicted to a person. Actually no, addicted to the idea of having a nice wee family that I put myself last.
No doubt he still gets to me at times but I know I'm the one to say no. I know I'm the stronger!
Yes it is indeed an addiction and even when you get yourself away from the "drug" (him) the NEXT stage is to learn to live without the adrenalin rush that a calm life does not give. When in crisis, we crave peace and quiet but it is hard to adjust to it when it comes!
Hiya guys, I have an appointment with a dr today from the mental healths team, to discuss a few things and hopefully resolve them.
If you guys have questions for the dr ask me i can slip em in during the session.
let me know i am leaving in an hour.
Hi anna I have been counseling behavore but i didnt really reveal much because it was painfull for me at the time to even think of it but i taken the step and seen my g.p.
Its not fair for me to take it out on innocent men and look at them with suspecion.
I want a normal life and a happy relationship.
Hi shocked mum I feel the same about trusting again but then I thought I'm only doing myself and my kids no favours by not letting no one in my life
that said though I am backing off from the guy I met on Friday night for no reason .... I should just give him a chance
hope you go on alright with dr x
bumped into my women's aid lady in town today was good to see her I really like her wanted to really go into the key thing and that obviously wasn't right time or place and not that I should need her it made me feel Like I could
Hi Shockedmum, I am sorry I missed your message this morning, how did the visit to the doctor go? Were you able to be honest about how you were feeling?
IDT, I am glad that you saw the WA woman and that you felt like you could talk to her again if you needed to.
It isn't fair to put on new relationships what we have experienced in the past. It is not fair on the other person, but more realistically its not fair on ourselves.
We need to heal, learn to trust ourselves and our instincts and ultimately love ourselves again. Put the past behind us, so that the future is in our control not anyone elses. All too often I meet people who so desperately want to be 'in a relationship' that they forget that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
What can we offer someone else when we are broken?
If you don't love yourself there's nothing for someone else to love
if you don't move on the b*stards have got you forever
Correct, IDT!! For anyone who has been abused, whether they are a man or a woman, beng truly free of the abuser (in your head even if you have to have dealings with them) is the most wonderful step forward
Hiya guys,
Hi Anna yes i did tell them everything.
When i went to the clinic it was bizare you have to walk through this cemetery and the actual clinic is a church.
So I went there got greeted by this friendly chap, and was in the waiting area.
I was sitting there looking at all the posters, about abuse and the women sitting there with sad faces heads on the floor trying to figure out what was wrong with them.
I don't know why i was doing that lol, However They all looked real normal and some real pretty to me.
Then this lady said my name is that you, and i was like yes so she signed me in and then I walked through this hallway to this empty room where there is 2 chairs notepad and tissue's.
Then she asked my name bla bla and said where here to talk about some issue's that have happened in your life, she introduced herself and said everything you say here is confidential however if you mention something that we may deem as a danger to yourself or others we may have to break that confidentiality would you still want to proceed? I said yes, she said this is part of 6 initial sessions to assess your needs after that we will see if we can help you resolve these.
So she then asked what has been happening in my life, she asked me about my childhood and i said i had the best childhood and could not have asked for more and look back on them longingly as a very happy time. and then went on what has been happening in the last 10 years or so. i was talking away and she said i am just looking at the time the hours has gone, and I said wow was I talking for an hour lol.
I asked her why i feel this way and why I have such a negative view of myself and others.
and she said by the sounds of it, you have done real well for yourself and you have broken the mask of a sociopath which has angered him, seems like he doesn't want to leave you alone, nor be happy., and you should be proud of yourself for taking the step and going on the run as it sounds like you was groomed by a much older guy and his family oppressed you along side him (My Mouthed dropped) She identified key things to me how some ppl i deemed as ppl i trusted as ppl that were inabling his abuse! and disorientating me view of the world. and i was suspecious of them however she made me open my eyes and said how that was not right! and that may be why i had no confidence in my own opnions. she said clearly you were groomed by these ppl.
she also said much of my views of the world I don't even believe it to be your own thoughts sounds like he has dripped this into your subcontions and you have taking it as your own but we will discuss that another time she said just be proud of yourself, she mentions there women in there 30's and 40's who go through this too. She said as these are your initial assessments where I share everything that happened to me so they can understand what has happened to me. and after the resolving therapy sessions start.
I also spoke of my worries and she said i suffer from a severe form of anxiety whereby I physically shake eventhough i am not scared, she said the brain is a power things and remembers the past abuse so wants you to flee eventhough their may not even be any signs of danger.
to be continued..... so far so good felt a weight lifted of my shoulders and a urika moment.
They really dissect your life.
One thing I have realized is that I couldn't really talk in my first therapy session I had before because i dont think i really understood what was happening to me and the ppl around me disorientated me. pure evil
To do that to a child!
They totally warped my sense of reality that even I MYSELF did not know what was going on.
I now realize there were a bunch of loosers whom focussed on me like i was fresh meat but never showed it never ever showed it.
wow.
So refreshing, knowing what they did to me!
and have it picked apart like that.
Went through the storm with a few scars but we can all get through it eventually. After understanding comes healing!
WOW Shockedmum it sounds as though you had an absolutely brilliant session today, well done you for being open and honest
It sounds as though the lady was very perceptive, friendly and helpful.
Look after yourself this evening, often after a session like this we can feel up and then really low as the realisation of what has gone on in our lives, but you are absolutely right after understanding comes healing.
go for it!
Sounds really good shocked mum x well done honey
Is there a thread for abusive / disfunctional family's
i was just laying here thinking how on my own I am and why and trying to unpick the shit my 'mother'( Witch) handed out
and the feeling off relief when I moved away from her too but not really knowing why as she was subtle but I got wise to her
she worked with Twunt to do his bindings she was like a tool he used to hurt me its all very odd
but the witch is now supporting the Twunt
when you grow up feeling lost and scared and unsettled and like you don't fit in no where your an outsider to kids at school it you don't quite know why you can not put your finger on it
to be that insecure is craziness
she won't ever come back to me but she makes me feel bad
to hate a witch so much but luv her cos shes your mum ?
The title says "Freedom from abuse" but how can you be free and feel free if you still have to deal with the children visiting, the fear of them being abused ?
Your never truly free if you have children with am abusive ex but its learning to deal with them in a way that doesn't let effect you ( even of they areup there's certain ways to handle people like them like useing the system reporting everything I'm not doing that good at it as I let things go as I don't think I have police support
not sure I'm making sense I think it's time to call it a night ;)
but if your worried about your children if you have valid concerns there are things you can do x
Hi Christmas 2012, I agree with I'm doing this, it is about learning to live with it and move your life forward anyway. If you have serious concerns about abuse of the children, have you reported this? Have your children told you of any abuse?
Hello IDT your feelings about your mum are very natural and I have seen these in a number of people I have counselled. We do not have a thread for this yet but I think we should have one! How we are parented has a profound effect on us and our attitude to relationships and our own children. Could a start a thread about this, maye in the Relationships section?
Right now it is supervised visiting but of course this will change. I have moved my life forward in many ways but this part does not feel like freedom at all but like you never are free from, despite divorce, and it may well be that moving out for them was the wrong choice.
You can feel mentally free it takes practise
but of course you will always have some ties if you have children wChristChrist
Hi Christmas2012, I do not believe that moving away is eer the wrong choice where children are concerned. They should not have to be in an environement where one of their parents is being abused and in turn they recieve abuse too.
Have you done the Freedom Programme Christmas 2012? Once you recognise the abuse for what it is, it is easier to move away from it. If you fear that your children are being abused then you need to act on this.
IDT, start that thread you were talking about earlier, I think it is a good one, that many people will be able to relate to.
Yeah will do Anna x
what scares me is the thought that although i feel like i have near freedom i could easily find myself duped into another relationship where history repeats itself
i read somewhere something like 'what is freedom? it is defined by whoever writes the prescription for it'
therefore everyone has a different meaning on the word freedom
one persons idea of freedom can be totally different from anothers
Freedom to me is fulfilling my dreams being myself keeping my friends making choices choosing to do what I wish control of my body and mind living without fear loving my children
if you carnt have something you will want it
whats your freedom chocolate ?
Thank you Anna, I did follow the freedom programme. It was so helpful because I was always blaming me.
I just feel my children would have been better off having stayed, as you can step in and protect them, even though you yourself might get hurt in the process. Whereas once you are out of the house, you have no chance of protecting them any longer.
You say that children should not have to be in that environment any longer.
Point is, they will be. It is only you that gets out .
Obviously I don't know how things were for you but I think off my situation is
my kids used to be in that situation because me and my ex could not get on
now I'm not there he has no one to fight with
all I have to gauge nonow is his behaviur and care of them and if that is off concern then you need to tell someone you can tell this too
Hi Christmas2012, I know what you are saying and understand where you are coming from, but I still think it is right to leave if you are being abused. How old are your children? Are they old enough to tell you if anything dodgy happens when they are with their dad, if he eventually gets unsupervised contact?
I like " no one is free even the birds are changed to the sky"
but imo real freedom comes from your iner happines and the ability to for fill your deepest wishes.
for me my own home is important and my midwifery and I'm taking steps to atchieve both
freedom is about being at piece with yourself loving yourself and accepting yourself
you have to find other ways of filling in the flat times, then your adrenalin would be high that's why I like my life still a little bit chaotic because I can not live with flat I would go mad I still take risks for this very reason.
to befree you have to greve for what you wanted to have what could of been
i think there's lots to achieve to gain foul freedom in your life being in tune with yourself helps
thats the biggest load of ramble above ha ha
whos next?