MODERATOR: new thread started
Hello fizzy liz (great name!)
I have moved this to a new thread for you so that everyone can come and say hello.
It always amazes me about the new partner thing, personally I would have thought that the relationship would need to be established for several months and to be serious before a child is introduced. How does your son feel about it all? Hopefully she will turn out to be an OK person (and if so then in the long term, good that he could have another supportive adult in his life)
You sound busy with work, what sort of work do you do? I have always worked and have brought up two boys, bcame a single parent when they were 3 and 8.
What are you up to this weekend?
Hi Louise,
Hope that you are well. I have my son this weekend so have just returned from city centre, we went to the cinema & I had to collect part of his uniform from John Lewis which was an experience. I live in Scotland so we have earlier holidays so getting organised for once, still recovering from paying £18 for 2 polo shirts!!! with his school logo on it. Every one in class has them so peer pressure etc, etc. Remainder of uniform bought elsewhere!!
I am a senior charge nurse (ward manager in England, I think?) in a medical ward. My ex works in the same place as me, but in another department. He worked elsewhere when we met but went back to uni to train as a nurse, funded by me given that his bursary did not even cover childcare. Not a good situation but I work far enough away to keep away from him.
Still at least in the current climate I have a job & a fab friend who helps me with childcare, my parents are both dead & ex's family live far away not that they are interested in his development. Ex takes him alternate weekend & a night alternate weeks.
My son is pretending that he is ok but he is not too much too soon. Cant comment on his new lady but whole relationship feels like rebound on both parts. I dont know but I would say that he has fed her total lies about me. My ex has mental health issues but is in denial & running away. Her ex was a so called psycho?
I know that every one is different but its all too soon for me & my son for me to have a relationship with a new man. I am more concerned about my sons mental health (short/long term). I was subjected to over a year of mental abuse completely made up in my ex's head & am sad to say that my son should not have heard his father call his mother a fat whore etc. I am undertaking your freedom course & its great.
Yeah things did not work out for us but trying to look on this as a new chapter in my life.
Best Wishes
Fizzy Liz
Hi Fizzy Liz. Welcome along from me too. School uniform thing, still taking in the cost, hehe. You must be extremely busy with the job that you have. Do you have to do night shifts too? We have another member on here from Scotland, so was extremely envious when they all broke up from school, and we were still going! Look forward to getting to know you. Take care.
Hi Hazeleyes,
Yeah im still in shock 2 polo shirts 2!! Anyway doing ok onwards & upwards as they say. When me & my Scotish counterpart have our kids back at school we will feel like you.
I dont do nights anymore unless its an emergency. Used to quite like nights.
Hit the wrong button. Anyway nice to chat with you all. xxx
Hi Fizzy Liz
We hope you will stay with us and become a "regular" 
Your job sounds interesting but demanding! enough on your plate with your son to care for, too. Glad you are doing the Freedom Programme. You can explain to your son that sometimes adults can be mean to each other but although his dad is no longer around, his dad still loves HIM, but he can come and talk to you about any of his feelings, you will not be upset (sometimes children keep things from us because they worry about adding to our own emotional burden) And if you think he is struggling, he could have a few sessions of counselling to help him along.
Is your son at secondary school now?
It may well be that this new relationship will implode...all you can do is be the safe pair of hands for your son. Good that he has you, I sometimes think we are the bedrock of our children's existence
Thanks Louise,
He has just turned 10 so has 2 more years in primary school.
I had been aware that he was going so did a lot of reading up on how break ups can affect children. Never having been in this situation before I thought that I should be aware of signs etc & how I could support him. I downloaded a very good booklet from Caffcass, called my famillies changing. Thats now his secret diary.
My friend who helps me with his care had a even worse break up years ago, talks to him.She was homeless etc. Her kids were around the same age as him. She has told me a couple of things in confidence without my son knowing, if she thinks we can help him. He talks to her & is now a bit more open with me.
One of his school friends lives with his mum (dad moved away recently). They both go to the Scouts together. So some peer support.
Dont know which way his relationship will go. Standing by to see the next development & then be ready for how it will affect my son.
Yes never a dull moment in my job but then again keeps me focused on what matters.
Regards
Liz
It sounds to me as if you really on the ball with what is going on with your son
Stay with us and we can support you as you go along.
Hi there,
Thanks for saying about support because I am sorry to say that Fizzy Liz is is in a total Fizz about her ex husbands complete lack of respect towards her.
My son seems ok at the moment but I am at boiling point with him. He has the car & I have to rely on him to drop my son off 2 mornings a week at my friends. I am learning to drive which I hate but have no choice. I have to start work at 7.30am & he turns up late on purpose I am sure to wind me up because its the only control he has over me now. He has to start early too so its not as if hes getting up any earlier than he has to.
I am convinced that he thinks I will ask him for a lift because we work in same place. I have no intention of doing this because I cant bear to be near him at the moment, which leads to a toxic atmosphere in front of my son which I do not want.
He has a new partner but assumes that we should be friends?? Even offered me a lift home tonight?? I am convinced that he has no concept or interest in what he has done to me or my son & clearly thinks that because he has a new happy life? We should all be happy for him?
The sooner I pass my test, yes I am having to work extra shifts to pay for the better. Trying not to show him that its annoying me because thats what he wants..a reaction.
I am now going to have to speak to my boss to ask for a slightly later start time til I get a car bacause I am turning up to work stressed even before I go to look after my patients, not good. So fingers crossed she agrees.
I am also annoyed that he lies to me about what he has planned for my son then it turns out he has spent most of the time he has with him, kissing & hugging his g/friend in front of my son & her daughter. He only has alternate weekends & very rarely one night a week. I am watching this closely because I dont want exposed to this environment. His father should be lavishing attention on him on the 2-3 days out of 14 that he has. Plenty of time for PDA when both kids are not present. I am sure that he is doing it because he knows my son will tell me because he still tries it on with me every now & again..no way.
I am convinced that he has mental health issues which only make matters worse. He has always been anxious & jealous but it got out of hand last Jan and accused me of sleeping with his friend years before, all lies. But he had some breakdown & blamed me instead of seeking proper help, he had a friend who split from his wife & he actively back stabbed me so that he could be single guy just like him. Or maybe I am being naive n hes having a mid life crisis or thought the grass was greener. This is the short version of my months of mental abuse & torture. One minute we are happy then the next I am a cheating fat whore who is bored of him??
Anyway guys I feel a bit better for my rant. Hope you are all good.
Fizzy Liz
This is an excellent place for a rant, Fizzy Liz.
Sounds to me as if you are doing all you can to change the situation....learning to drive, not reacting to his provocation, and considering a slightly later start time, maybe you could explain to your boss that it is for a few months and will enable you to cope and not go off sick with stress? Better a ward manager who starts half an hour later than a ward manager who is off sick and has to be replaced with agency staff, hmmmm.
Whether your son's dad has mental health issues or not will become clear in the passage of time. In the meantime you are doing what you can to keep things Ok for your son. That lovey dovey stuff, it wears off in all relationships, let's hope it does in this case before he alienates his son.
I think you are doing fab!
Thanks Louise,
I just go through every emotion as we all do at this time.
Find it hard not to take the bite because I can be fiery at times but I just keep chanting in my head keep calm & keep your dignity. Seems to be working at the moment.
To be honest I think that my son is already turning against him. I asked him how he found it having just me n Molly (cat)? I felt so sad when he said that it was no different because I have always made sure he done his homework, stuck to bedtime routinue etc while daddy sat on the couch on the computer. He has also asked when dad moves in with g/friend could he see less of him & not stay over? What can you say?
Anyway going to outer Hebrides next week with son so that he can see his paternal grandmother. Still want him to have contact with a least one of his grandparents. My mum & dad are dead. Paternal g/dad lives in England & last saw him 6 years ago.
I also took him on my own to legoland in Windsor 2 weeks ago & had a great time. Booked an organised bus tour & was scared because it had never been just the two of us. It worked out well because there was a number of lone parents with just one child & my son made lots of friends. We all had a good laugh because the coach was full & there was only one couple there with their grandson. We all had a good laugh about it. I am going to take him to alton tours next, thank goodness I like roller coasters!
Liz
Good for you! It's very empowering to be able to do these trips on your own.
I am also glad to hear about grandma. Both my parents have also passed on and my sons have kept in touch with their dad's parents. My boys are 22 and 17 now (eek) and the youngest is wondering whether he wants to continue the relationship (their dad's family is very different in terms of values and priorities, to the way I have brought them up) Bu the moral of the story for YOUR son is...they find their own way. And it may well be that he wants to see less of his dad as time goes on. As long as you stay neutral and non-commital, it leaves his options open.
The other thing I wanted to mention is good male role models, I know he goes to Scouts but it is worth you keeping your eyes open for opportunities for him to meet and see "good blokes" I think growing up as a boy in our culture must be very confusing for our young people. The "traditional" male role has been eroded, good thing too! but what takes its place?
Hi, they grow up so quickly re male role models etc i hve an older brother who is very good with him, he has a daughter n to be honest my son and her act like siblings. My friend that helps me with his care has 2 grown up sons and husband who are gr8 with him. My best friends husband also is gr8 with him wen we visit. He is v gd because he never knew his dad and seems 2 look out 4 him. He is taking me to ikea when son is with his dad. He has liked a cabin bed n we are buying him it as a surprise. So sundays rant will b abt flat pack furniture! Regards liz
OOOH, good luck with that one, fizzy liz.
That sounds like a really good array of men in your son's life
Hey there,
Have just returned from my visit to my mother in law. I will now have to lie in a darkened room for at least a week!!
Went up there to visit after a 3 hour train journey, 4 hour wait for ferry & 7 hours on it I was greeted with a totally intoxicated elderly woman because she had fallen out with her latest man at 11pm!! Spent the weekend getting her sobered up took til mon, GP out, handed a sick line in to her work, cooking, cleaning, listening to her nasty tales about everyone & everything. She then kissed & made up with her boyfriend on the Monday & went to his house. So my son & I had one night of peace.
During this weekend I saw girls I know, wee d & I went to visit. Gained a lot of information about my ex's terrible childhood. So now have answers about why some things happened with us.
Just as thought things could not get any worse ex is on the phone proclaiming his undying love for me on the Sunday morning & how he cant get me out of his head. He wanted to talk when I got back, was told by me fair enough but are you willing to seek professional help (alone & as a couple), finish with his g/friend & he said yes. I then said ok I will talk to you but it will be a long time if ever that we would get back as a couple because things had to be mended slowly over time.
Left it at that because I knew that he does not have the courage to admit his issues & knew I was right when he said we should leave it all in the past & start dating?? to see if we still had a connection. Anyway now back home & as I thought he has totally back tracked & said that when we talked he nothing had changed. So back to square one which is fine because he thought that I would play the game because I do still love him & take him back without looking at were it went wrong. So fizzy is happy to be single & a lone mum rather than live a lie & have all of these issues raise their head in six months time.
Another fizzy rant completed.
Wow, fizzy liz what a visit! Poor you and your son, it feels really inappropriate that she should behave like that at all, but particularly in front of your son. I am also thrilled to hear that the information you gleaned about your son's dad's childhood had not weakened your resolve about your split...sometimes we can "feel sorry" for them. You were eminently reasonable in what you said to him...you DO need to see that he addresses his issues with expert professionals or he will not change.
Hope you are unwinding now you are back home
Hi Louise,
I did not get back home till after 9pm, 5 hr ferry, 4 hours waiting for bus (£12 for both of us or £35 on train), 3 hrs on the bus. My brother came into city centre & brought us home. So I am a bit tired.
We had a nice day yesterday its a lovely crossing on a clear day & I got nice shoes for a wedding (saved £55, got them for 20). Wee d was on his best behaviour but cant face another game of uno or top trumps for at least a day.
My mother in law is a very selfish woman & has always put men before her children. Her behaviour was shocking & I explained to my son that most people do not drink or act like that. I was informed by said child, mum do I look stupid of course normal people dont act like this, she should grow up!!
I also had to constantly say to him when we were alone (spent most of time on the beach) that not all men were nasty & horrible as she kept saying. Although things have went wrong in my marriage I do not hate men because people from either sex can be nasty. I just feel sad that my husband wont seek help but thats his problem.
I cannot & will not go back to the life of hell I had for at least 18 months. If I do not stand firm Louise, I am opening the flood gates & encouraging his abusive behaviour towards my child & I. I am breaking the cycle of abuse & my ex can do what he wants. I want to keep my son safe & secure. I have been getting some counselling for myself & its helping me. So I am going back to keeping him at arms length.
Daddy has him this weekend, my friend is qualified in reiki so I am getting my first session on Friday night. Am working this weekend. Wee D is back to school tomorrow, yahoo 7 weeks is too long.
Fizzy
Hi fizzy liz, what a weekend! I am not surprised that you are looking forward to D back at school and a bit of normality!
Well done for keeping strong with your ex and also having open conversations with your son, it has all been quite a good learning experience for him, with you explaining things along the way, he obviously is a bright button!
Lovely to have the reiki on Friday, is D looking forward to going into his next class?
Hi,
Yes he is looking forward to going back to school, he has not seen many of his friends over the summer. So time for him to go back.
Oh yes D is very bright & emotionally intelligent. When I was growing up my mum always encouraged us to talk about our worries etc & I do the same with him. I am sorry that he never got to know my mum, she died 5 days after his birth. My mum would be horrified if she saw what unfolded over the weekend but we all live our lives differently & I plan to make sure he is aware of respectful behaviour around everyone not just kids.
Also re school he had eye sight problems (now settling) & is getting additional learning with his reading. He has really came on over the last year & I am very proud of him, he tries his best & his hard work is paying off.
I am looking forward to Friday, need to de-stress.
Hope you are all surviving the summer hols, my piggy bank prob has an IOU & a button left in it!! Lol
Hello FizzyLiz
Great that D coped so well with everything and yes, I know what you mean about the school summer holidays, GULP! And it might ease the IOU and a button situation too (that made me smile and then think "why isn't there a bit of extra help for parents in the long holidays?")
Emotional intelligence is, in my view, even more important than academic accolades. It certainly equips you for life and I have always talked with my two boys as you do with D.
How is work?
Hi,
D's first day went well & he is getting spoilt by my friend she's keeping him overnight. I am fuming with his father given that he did not call or txt to wish him luck for his first day back at school. I had to discuss another issue via txt & asked him why he did not contact d re school, I got a woe is me txt about how hard his life is, blah, blah. My son had to listen to his father talk about his g/friends daughter starting school & how exciting it was!!! Getting fed up seeing my son pretend that it does not matter to him when it does, some people are so selfish. I know that people do worse things to their children but I hate his selfishness. I no I cant shield my son from everything but I am disgusted that my ex puts a child he has known for months before his son.
Even my mother in law in her drunken haze expressed her disgust at how he was calling her a little princess & not bothering with his "prince". I hate that 2 children are being used in this way. I have no issue with his g/friend's child but cannot stand seeing children being used as pawns.
Work is busy as usual I work in a specialist area that covers a large geographical area. Many audits & paperwork but thats life. The staff I work with are nice & that makes a big difference. Work could be worse.
Looking forward to seeing my 2 good friends tomorrow & having my reiki sesson. I feel totally wound up & stressed.
Best Wishes
Fizzy
Yes, you are definitely ready for your Reiki, try to empty your busy mind and really feel the benefit
Your boy's dad is being very insensitive. What a shame his mum is as she is; a more sober grandma could have had an effective word that he maybe would have taken some notice of.
Glad that D got on Ok at school and VERY glad that D has YOU!
Hi,
I have not posted for a while but have been reading lots of posts. There is a lot of very brave people standing up for themselves in harsh circumstances. Best wishes to you all. xx
Re me n wee D, a couple of things have happened namely daddy dearest has tried to worm his way back in to our lives. About a month ago I got a wee visit offering me DIY help?? Then it all came pouring out once again about how he wanted a clean slate so that we all could move on as a family?? Call me a cynic but I smelt a rat a two legged one!! Anyway I thought let see what his nibs has to offer. Oh yeah I got the ive made a mistake lets get it sorted & its over between me & A. So I thought lets see where this is going. So we decided to have a couple of meet ups & take wee D out to see what would happen.
My gut n head were telling me to tread carefully cos words are cheap. I kept it very casual but asked him if we did get back had he finished it with A? Was told yeah I have n will do it my way. I asked what is your way & was told that he planned just to distance himself & have no contact. I expressed my concern & disgust at this given that no one should walk away from any relationship. He said he was sorting it?? Did not believe him so called him on it & asked for timelines etc. None came forward but he kept telling me that she had issues n he could not just bin her.
I then asked him why he was showing more respect to her than he did to me & was told unlike me she was vulnerable & not a hard faced b***h like me?? I pointed out that we had been together for a lot of years n he knew her for a few months but had more loyalty to me. I felt that I had been punched in the gut, it was as if I had no feelings because I did not express a desire to commit suicide!!
Anyway the long & short of it as we say in Scotlands 2nd city he was put back in his box!! Have been having the odd interaction & I am not happy re his father son input & I have warned him about consequences.
He was over tonight & I got the sob stories??? That he was back with A cos If he put in the effort with me I would be bored with him again. Yawn yawn heard it all before.
Anyway guys good days & bad days. But I am glad to say the murky waters are clearing & I feel more positive about me n wee D's future.
Och Lass!! good for you xx
Hi Fizzy Liz, nice you see you again, we have missed you (and I wanted to say a big thankyou for the festival tips you gave me as these were a big help to my boy)
Wow you have been through some stuff, you were right to be wary and it sounds as if you have seen exactly what was going on. "Hedging his bets" comes to mind! You're right, he needs to be a good dad to D ,whatever the situation between the two of you.
You say you have good days and bad days, well that is pretty normal and I hope that there are soon more good than bad. How is work? Is D settled at school?
Thanks Lizzielaw, tell me a bit about you?
No problem Louise about the tips, what a shame it was a washout for him.
Wee d appears to be doing ok at school but will find out tomorrow night at parents night. He appears to be doing ok, he did a road safety poster & that was put forward to the council for judging. He also got star writer last week at school, he I am chuffed that he is getting boosts.
I was also a bit concerned that he was getting too clingy to me, only natural I no but he then asked me to have a friend over for a sleepover, so progress there too.
What can I say about work? Its very busy & have staff off. Never enough hours in the day & it keeps my mind off nonsense with the ex. Currently recruiting staff, lots of applicants so I am slowly working through them, want to choose correct staff for my team & take the time to consider the forms given that people have put the effort into applying. I am a bit of a softie & hate rejecting people. My job could be worse.
Re my personal life I am taking it a day at a time. No plans to jump into anything including a new man or entertain my ex. I agree about hedging bets as he was told he wont have a foot in both camps. So time will tell.
Have been totally stressed & felt weepy at times but my work friend let me try a thing called heart math, our NHS board is trying it out to relieve staff stress. Anyway I gave it a go, you put a probe on your ear & it measure your stress hormone. Needless to say mine was red, you then have to practice happy thoughts & the emotions you felt. I thought yeah rite, anyway I gave it a go & it did work!! The machine went to green. So learning how to use it in my daily life! Better than a double expresso, 2 paracetamol & a zantac for my headache & reflux lol.
Oh how interesting the heart math, I have not heard of that.
It sounds as if there are not enough hours in the day for you at the moment and therefore it would be good if you can do some things that will relax you, such as music, meditation etc. Reiki?
Good luck for parents' evening, it all sounds good for D, and some really positive signs with the friendship thing. I agree it is only natural that he feels clingly to you, just be patient, it will ease. Anyway let us know what the teachers say.
Hi Louise,
Just back from D's parent night. He got on very well & his teacher was very pleased with his progress & attitude. It was actually quite good because his teacher had taught him for half a year in primary 3, she said that she could believe the difference in his work & maturity!! She said that she was looking forward to re teaching the same children so that she could see how they had changed. She said that D had changed in the most positive way!!!
I went alone because I wanted to find out if my split had affected him at school. She looked shocked & said that he had no change at all in fact he was much better behaved & more confident. She said that she had no idea. During the summer I had spoken to the owner of his out of school care about my break up & asked her to monitor things. He goes there 2 days a week also spoke to her this week & she said exactly the same to me as the teacher & said that he was a lovely caring well mannered boy who was a credit to me.
I feel really pleased because I was very worried that the crazy carrying on's over the last 18 months would pull him down. My poor boy has seen & heard a lot of things that no child should be subjected to. So I want to keep an even keel for him so that he can continue to do well. The best thing for me & him is we have peace in our wee house & you cant put a price on that. Constant abuse & arguing is draining, I feel more content most of the time.
I dont care that he is not in the top groups but I am delighted that he is learning at his own pace & doing his best. A mum cant ask for anymore. So Fizzy is very proud of her boy. Going to bed as pleased as punch for him.
WOO-HOO that's fab news and high five to you, Fizzy Liz. You are absolutely right, the peace in your house is what has helped him. Research shows that the thing that affects children the most is parental conflict, and this has now been addressed. What a proud mum you must be, and rightly so!
Hi Everyone,
I am relatively newly separated & just wanted to say hello. I have a ten year old son & an elderly cat called Molly.
I have been keeping my head down & taking it a day at a time but time t.o lick my wounds & re join the human race.
I have good support mainly from friends but its nice to chat to people in similiar situations. I work full time & have to juggle life in general with little or no help from my ex. If he does do anything I think he thinks i am supposed to kiss his feet or something. We were together for almost 14 years (12 great) & the rest a nightmare.
My son still sees his father but its hard because he went straight into a new relationship & introduced new partner straight away. He lied about g/friend but when I challenged him & he came clean so to speak he saw it as a green light to hurry things along with no thought of how it would impact on his child. My son found out & then met her 2 days later!! Yes was introduced as his new partner & son was informed how much better looking, slimmer, younger & nicer she was. So needless to say I was left to fix out fall out as per.
She seems ok but who would agree to meet someones child within days! They have only been going out for a short time n my ex has been playing daddies for a couple of weeks before my my son meet her. But then again who knows what she has been told by my liar of an ex??
Anyway hi to you all.