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... since ex last saw the children. Five weeks yesterday.
It seems they're having a new kitchen put in by the housing association, so he can't see them. I asked my ex-step-mother-in-law (can you see why I still call her MIL?!) why he just can't take them for a walk, or to the beach or something. She doesn't understand either. Don't really say too much to FIL as he's not in the best of health. He gets so mad with ex, so we play it down.
Oh yes, the children don't seem to be missing him too much. :D The youngest has asked twice, but isn't at all upset which is good.
Am I bovvered??? no.... ;)
Hope you got your lie-in. 8-) and don't worry too much about what excuse the other parent is making for not seeing them. :x When I was a little girl my sister always used to want to go to play at her friend's house and the friend's mother always used to say she couldn't come because they were having a "coooooked tea". I always thought that was the worst excuse ever :P
Louise
My goodness. A text. He wants to see them tomorrow **faint**.
Five weeks and five days.
Disgusting parent that he is leaving it so long.
And a two hour time slot, 6 - 8pm, unless youngest reminds him it's holidays.
I'm sorry, but it rattles me to the core that he can swan in like this without so much as an explantion.
sorry for all the editing, but I'm ready to explode.
Of course, the children think its wonderful.
:oops:
And.......it's his loss, sparkling lime :roll: ....although I truly appreciate your fury, particularly if the kids think it is wonderful ! :x
Louise
Sorry to be venting here, but it really does help.
I've been forking out a fortune for the children these holidays. Eldest went to the cinema on Saturday - £10
Middle two on the bus with friends today £20 (£10 eash)
Eldest going to Chester on the train with his best mate - £30 with the train and a bit of spending money (I spoil him - could have claimed EMA it seems for him resitting GCSEs, but too late now!).
Middle two going to the pics with their friends on Thursday - £20 (£10 each again)
Ex pays £13.71 a week CSA, and feels this should cover everything from Scout Subs to football subs. He pays that by saying he works 12 hours a week, when he actually works full time.
And he's told the youngest he doesn't have to pay for any of these things as he doesn't live with us.
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Actually, that's just a moan. I'm quite calm now. :D
Moan away if it helps at all. After having a bit of a vent, you will be uber cool 8-)
I do sympathise about the money thing. I always notice when it is half term, in food as well as activities, although anyway teenagers seem to cost more as they get older. My youngest drives me mad dreaming up money making schemes, often involving random dog-walking or car-washing and involving me in various transport and publicity projects :roll: I don't know if your kids get pocket money but if they do, is it possible to "withold" say £1 a week (and tell them you're doing it) so that by each hol/half term, each of them will have £8 towards their plans? I know this might leave them with very little during term time but money's a finite resource. If only it grew on trees I would plant an orchard! :lol: or how about saving all coppers and 5ps in a bottle just for the hols?
I still say extra Child Benefit for the hols is the answer. After all, if your child gets free school meals then at least in term time you know they have that catered for, whereas in the holidays you have to do it yourself.
Louise :)
I think a petition should be started for the extra child benefit in the holidays. I think its an excellent idea!
I don't give my children any pocket money, and this is the reason why. They do realise this - I hope. Scouts costs a fortune too, even though two go free so to speak as I'm a leader in the Cubs and Scouts - which is handy. I had to buy my thirteen year old proper boots last week though (he's always refused to walk before), he's a size 9, and they were £35 - which is about as reasonable as I can get them. My eldest is the same size, so no boots to hand down!
I just feel its the ignorance of the father that riles me. They were in Scouts before I left. With my wage we had a decent income when married - the children's friends parents are two income families, so I can't expect them to understand why they can't have the same things - although they do try!
Now my youngest. He's seen the other three have treats. I can see I'm going to have to buy him some club penguin trading cards, how ever much I disagree with them :lol: I hate being unfair.
Oh those trading cards...the bane of my life....We had football ones when mine were younger and the same blummen bloke seemed to turn up in every packet. In the end we were at the seaside at Great Yarmouth with my parents and we heard there was going to be a sale of cards to complete your set at Norwich City football ground. There was a massive queue, which was great because we did loads of swaps in the queue and hardly needed to buy any. What a nightmare though!
I know what you mean about all the other families being "two income". And it is not just that: I always used to think that even if I had THREE incomes I would not spoil my children to the same extent some of their friends were indulged.
Given the circumstances, I think you are very generous-spirited towards the children's father :shock: Just grit your teeth...... :x
By the way, on the net mums site once you have joined you can look at your local pages and perhaps post a wanted notice for items you know are coming up, or look at the for sale boards (just thinking about the expensive boots :) )
Louise
Hi,
My kids haven't seen their mum since early December 08, and as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing, maybe it'll have some long-term affect on them, I don't know, well apparent from the fact that it IS going to shape them in some way, just hopefully not in any way detrimental.
When I don't have by-weekly contact sessions looming, when she is out of our lives, and it's happened from time to time over the last four years, I feel more relaxed and the kids seem more stable, whether this is from not seeing her and all the disruptions there in or whether they react to my stress and worry I don't know, but everything is much easier during the no contact periods.
I have heard that she is pregnant again and still using so maybe we will not see her for some time more and live can carry on smoothly.
Not wanting to tempt fate though or anything it's her birthday coming up and its generally around her birthday and Christmas that she pops up.
Sorry for hijacking your thread and doing a 'me me'
: )
Simon.
Please feel free to join in Simon. It's good to see you. Please do a "me, me" as that actually makes me feel better too! :D
I don't think I've seen my lot so happy, actually, as this is the longest break they've had from him. This is why I've got so rattled really, as I have been so relaxed! I totally agree with you there.
Birthdays were a nightmare for me - especially February when two have their birthdays within 3 days of each other. He had each of them overnight and then took them for a day out. How honoured they must have been!
I'll be better tomorrow when this evening is done. I guess he'll be back to every two or three weeks again then. I don't actually know how I'll cope if he saw more of them now (it was regular to start of with, and I was fine then...).
As for the children, I've never seen my lot so happy. What we give them is stability - and some children don't have that within your "normal" family environment. My eldest is 17, and he wasn't too happy when I muttered when I had this text. I figure he's old enough now to know what does go on (he still doesn't know why we lost the house and car). He does realise how hard it is to give them these 'treats' - friends ask, and doing it this way is still cheaper than me taking them for a day out. I couldn't afford Chester now, and even a trip to the Cinema costs over £30 when we all go (usually buy the DVD and have a movie night!). They accept this, and don't complain. I do feel I have fantastic children - and hope they stay that way!
I'll wave towards the mountains tomorrow, on the off chance you can see me through binoculars!
I'm really glad you're doing well.
I looked out the velux windows in the attic this morning and I couldn't even see Beaumaris : )
You're not hi-jacking, Bubblegum, it is good to know what other parents are experiencing with regard to this topic. Sounds as if you have got it sussed and also it is helpful that you acknowledge your own tension has a certain part to play in the mix......I always used to wonder why my boys were extra-naughty when I had PMT and then I realised I was behaving differently on those days.... :oops:
Louise
So, after not seeing them for 5 weeks and 5 days, he give them 2 hours of his time.
Gosh.
Cat and little dogs (shitszus) having a standoff by the back door. Very amusing!!
Phew, is it over then?
Phew, is it over then?
I think so :lol:
Phew and double phew (and possibly triple and quadruple phew) You got through: Well done! ;)
I have heard that she is pregnant again and still using so maybe we will not see her for some time more and live can carry on smoothly.
Hey bubblegum, how are you doing with this news, I imagine it has rocked your world in more ways than one? I do hope that once the baby is born, their mother doesn't want to try and play happy families again as it sounds as if you have settled the home and your childrens lives and things are going pretty smoothly. Have you told the children?
I hadn't thought about that, telling the children : ) I was too busy leaping for joy selfishly thinking that maybe she will just go away now. But I suppose I will have too....
I eventually got round to telling them that she didn't want to see them any more and they seem to be OK, it's hard to tell really, they don't ask about her, they never bring her up in conversation. When I told them we were walking along the beach and it was sort of oh! and my son said that maybe it was because she was stressed as that is what she has told them before when she hasn't seen them for a while, and so I went with that. I explained that she does love them she just doesn't know how to show love because nobody ever showed her when she was little... and so I think that they are OK.
I'd doesn't bother me that she is pregnant on another man sleeping with my woman sort of level, I've not seen her more than a handful of times over the last four years and then mostly across a court room or sat in a judges room, or when crappy contact centre staff cant get their heads around the fact that maybe it's the woman who's the violent manipulative one and have let her through to me so she can do a bit of ranting about how everything is my fault and I'm a bastard, etc, etc.. not that I've got a chip on my shoulder about that or anything mind...
OK maybe I have : )
If that's what you meant about how was I doing over the news? I got over her a while ago see, sometime around one of the many times she tried to stab me with a kitchen knife, I was just too scared to leave as she had gotten me into a place when I believed most of what she said. Anyone who has been at the wrong end of an abusive relationship will know what I mean ^^
I hope she's happy, I hope she finally gets what she wants and sorts herself out, that would be nice. What I think will happen though is that she will have the child removed from her by social services, blame something other than herself (me most likely) and do more drugs.
Do you feel she's a stranger to you now?
I certainly don't see anything I like in the children's father.
I don't know, I still think she is very beautiful and there have been times where I have wanted to reach out and comfort her, like in court or when we have been sat in rooms waiting for someone, I'm not sure if they are Judges or what but you go in a room with your respective solicitors and they all talk away and make decisions.
I feel sorry for her in that she is all messed up and I couldn't help, I could deal with it all, at least I felt like I could when there were no children involved but then it all fell apart. I had to make a decision between her or our children and she wasn't happy with how I chose, understandably.
Some people have particularly nasty childhoods at the hands of the people that are supposed to show them the way to love and trust and so when they are grown up they don't know how to love or trust.
Fundamental she is not a bad person, just she can't form relationships with people, not positive functional ones anyway.
We see the world like we are both on opposite sides of a busy road and she is going one way and me another, as in our world views are completely different and where as I like to think that I can see where she is coming from she can't see me. Maybe in some of her more lucid moments she sees things but I don't think she likes what she sees and turns back to some sort of mind altering substance to run away.
But that's just my opinion and I'm sure she has a completely different story : )
Thank you for listening : )
Loads of hugs. Sorry, I know they don't help, but I do mean them sincerely.
In a way, maybe feeling that you know where she's coming from and are able to understand why she is as she is helps. As you say, the needs of the children meant you had to make decisions.
Even my father-in-law can't understand his son's actions. It affects his health though so I make light of a lot of things. Having said that, he'll soon have a go at me! (We are divorced, but they still call me their daughter-in-law!).
Hey bubblegum, you really sound well sorted out now, you have been through some crazy life experiences.
I am glad to hear that you are not feeling a bit melancholic over the fact that she is with someone else. It sounds as though you can see the future quite clearly. I am so glad you have your gorgeous kids and that they give you so much joy. :)
Thank you ladies : )
My kids do give me so much joy : ) generally anyway, most of the time at least, I suppose... at the moment they are both downstairs at the dinner table bickering as I have told them they can have their pudding 'when' they have eaten their dinner : ) that was about 45 minuets ago and they are still down there, in the kitchen, eating potato and onion salad with a nice cheese salad, one tinny piece at a time with faces like cold wet windy days, I went down a bit ago and my son was picking out little bits or red onion and eating them slooooowly..
: )
Ex wants to see my lot tomorrow 6 - 8 tomorrow.
They're so excited. I hate it when they get excited. Not that you would know ;) Well, not that they would know!
Hope your lot have finished their tea!
Hope your lot have finished their tea!
Eventually.
Funny how it takes AN HOUR to eat their dinner and about 30 SECONDS to eat HALF a swiss roll.
Strange that.
Good luck today... I'm so glad (touch wood) That I don't have to go through the stress of all that at the moment..
I expect I will have to though again one day : (
Sparkling, hope it goes Ok today, try not to get too stressed, don't forget you're their Numero Uno. Their dad will either let them down (in which case you're there to pick up the pieces) :x or he will delight them (in which case, try to be glad they've had a nice time and you have had a couple of hours' break) :shock:
Louise
Hi sparklinglime,
So 6-8pm is YOUR time, what are you going to do??? :?:
I haven't quite decided what I'll do yet. Usually it's so hectic making sure that they're fed and clean before they leave that I just have a leisurely tea. Possibly an omlette! Then I'll potter in the garden, and then they'll be home!
I'm not too stressed really. :) I can deal with the time slots. If he starts to want them overnight again, then I'm not sure how I'll be, as I vowed I wouldn't let them go after he let the eldest (15 at the time) have an unsupervised sleepover with a few friends...
I have a question for you....
Do you think it is important to share your concerns with your children about how visiting might develop to overnight stays, or do you feel that it is best to take things as they come and see how things progress?
I guess I have kind of answered it to myself, as it is early days again, but I sometimes wonder how soon should we share our concerns/fears etc with our children, so that they are aware of what difficulties may lie ahead?
I hope that you have a super omelette and the rain holds out so you can potter outdoors :)
Hope your lot have finished their tea!
When I went to put my daughters chopped peppers and carrots (we are just suuuuuch a healthy family, I dunno) in her snack box for school this morning, I discovered yesterdays dinner stuffed in there, potatoes salad mixed with salad... hmmmm
Last night when she had come and told me she'd finished, I'd gone downstairs to get her some pudding, I'd been a bit suspicions at the time as she kept putting her hand over her mouth and that's her 'tell' that and giggling, I'd inspected the dogs bowl and the bin for evidence but found none.. hmmmm
When I opened the box this morning she went 'oops!' in a way that just made me laugh.
Unfortunately it was too funny and too late to begin reprimanding her... it's the first time she's every had the quickness of mind to think of something like that, well the first time I've found out anyway. I shall be more vigilant this evening.
hmmmmm
Caught my now 13 year old flushing the loo lots one day - the mash wouldn't go round the u-bend! :lol: :roll: 8-)
:lol: When our drains got blocked the summer before last I had a very lugubrious drain-man at my door saying well you wouldn't BELIEVE the things people put down the loo. I never thought of mashed potato! :D
Re your point about whether to discuss a possible developmen to overnight visits and what that might entail, Anna, I guess my initial thoughts are that it depends on the age of the child. What does everyone else think?
Re your point about whether to discuss a possible developmen to overnight visits and what that might entail, Anna, I guess my initial thoughts are that it depends on the age of the child. What does everyone else think?
I'd say it depends on the non resident parent too and what sort of environment are the children going to be exposed to.
: )
With my lot, I'm quite certain that they would be thrilled to do overnight contact again. It actually hasn't been stopped by me, as even when I put the 24 hour notice into play he was still having them overnight. He had them for his week in the summer holidays in August 2007 (sorry, did I say a week?? Three nights!) and that was that - other than the time eldest had the house to himself for the underage sleepover.
Not having them has been his choice.
I also think that he will consider this now to reduce maintenance.
It would be me who would find it incredibly difficult to see them go. My youngest is now 10 - which is so different from an 8 year old! I can't really see me refusing. I can't take the confrontation anyway, and no longer look at him or speak to him when our paths cross. I've actually mastered having a really good laugh and a chat with is wife with my back turned to him 8-) I know that's bad, but I know he behaves in a specific way with me where he will make me crack. I can't go downhill againg because of him.
He would never put regular contact in place. That would be to stop me being able to go out - ie arrange an evening out with friends, or buy theatre tickets (not that I can afford them anyway - I had to cancel a night out at the theatre in Llandudno as he cancelled having the children at the very last minute - the children had told him I was going out - and that was when things were reasonably amicable :lol: )
I would just have to deal with it.
The joy of the NRP. They have the freedom to move on with their lives simply refusing contact if something better comes along. 8-)
Sorry - the question has sent me off on another moan! I'm very good at that.
Youngest announced that the Gittess is going for surgery in a couple of weeks. Having bits taken out he said :o
I'm so tempted to send a good luck card to her, as to be fair, putting a couple of silly things aside, we actually do get on ok (met three times in the two years they've been together). I feel sorry for her, and know if it were me I'd be terrified. Via moonpig so there'd be no writing to recognise, and from the children.
The eldest said that ex now has sky package and so needed help sorting out itunes for Gittess' daughter. He made the 'thick' sign about his father - now his father networked the office he worked in when we were married, so is not thick. So... what do I do? Tell my son off for being disresectful to his father. :? Why do I do this? Why can't I just say yes, he is isn't he (which he is in some ways... 8-) )
Anyway, do I send a card? Or is that just interfering. It would be sincere.
As for the op. Could htis be another 6 weeks coming up with no contact as she needs to rest? (all they do is watch a dvd when they're there)
Personally, I go for the 6 weeks...
If you like her send her a card : )
I think you should tell your son not to be disrespectful to his dad : ) I tell my kids, if you haven't got something nice to say about someone then don't say anything and when they do, and since starting school their language is peppered with negative words, I get them to think of something nice about that person.
But that's just my opinion : )
I guess the main thing is that you don't collude in the disrepect :? even if you are secretly thinking it :!: Either ignore it or just say "come on now, let's be nice" and move away.
I don't see why you shouldn't send a card, that would be kind of you :)
Thank you.
I will send a card. The children's names will be first and I think I'll just put "and me". There'll be no name leaping out then...
I'd be terrified if it were me.
Thank again. I really appreciate the replies. :)
Hi sparkling, reading your posts just reminded my how hard it is when we have 'some' involvement with other side of our children's family, we still want to be involved and feel that they are still a part of our lives even if they want nothing to do with us. Good for you sending the card, i guess there is enough water under the bridge with your ex for him not to use it as ammunition against you.
I think you should tell your son not to be disrespectful to his dad
I agree with you here bubblegum on one level, especially when our children are small.
However, if our children are older and their non resident parent is not respecting them, ie, irregular contact, improper care and consideration, rude about resident parent etc should we enforce our children to respect that person??
I would be interested in your opinions on this!
Hi sparkling, reading your posts just reminded my how hard it is when we have 'some' involvement with other side of our children's family, we still want to be involved and feel that they are still a part of our lives even if they want nothing to do with us. Good for you sending the card, i guess there is enough water under the bridge with your ex for him not to use it as ammunition against you.
I think you should tell your son not to be disrespectful to his dad
I thought of putting "and me" pretty small in the corner! Hopefully they won't notice. I'm not convinced ex won't hit the roof though. He always told me how his internet "friend" in Texas wanted to get to know me - once the house was sold, I sent an email :D It wasn't nasty, but as my children had been involved in extreme religious brain-washing (which is why I did leave - I could deal with his women friends) I felt she needed to be reminded that she wasn't to be in touch with them as I would do what ever was needed to keep them safe.
He absolutely exploded. For once though I was the one who smiled sweetly and reminded him that he had wanted me to get to know her, and one of his favourite sayings back at him too. A moment where I felt confident!
Well done, you. :D Re the Texan friend, I guess there is a difference in your friendly gesture in sending a get well card and the religious brainwashing that you were protecting your children from......but one never knows how these things can be interpreted.
Anna you talked about a child respecting the other parent as the child gets older and perhaps can see the parent letting them down. I suppose once they are old enough to make a serious point about this then they are old enough to have THEIR views respected. I suppose you see a wide range of difference re this in your children of varied ages, sparkling?
What does everyone else think?
I agree with you here bubblegum on one level, especially when our children are small.
However, if our children are older and their non resident parent is not respecting them, ie, irregular contact, improper care and consideration, rude about resident parent etc should we enforce our children to respect that person??
I would be interested in your opinions on this!
Two wrongs don't make a right : )
I think it would be proper to try and teach them that just because someone doesn't give you reason to respect them or you find failings in them or they let you down or what ever, don't get angry about it, that's how they are, no ones perfect.
In general I think you should try to treat people like you would want to be treated yourself, irrespective of their behaviour and if you really don't like someone then avoid them, at least you should always try to do that : )
Of course it's not always possible, everyone gets angry sometimes.
Here is how you should treat nasty rude people that really don't deserve any respect : )
In my head I have so much to throw at him if he ever is sarcastic to me again.
The first thing would be to tell him to get a mirror as all he accuses me of, is what he actually does... As in I'm unfair, I'm unreasonable, I'm a bad mother etc. :D
Now CSA have changed the rate, I can't quite be sarcastic about what he pays - although it doesn't increase until 28 July! Mmm... I reckon he'll need to take time off to look after The Gitess (understandable, I do feel for her) so I can see the increase never actually happening. I always wish I had the courage to do it though - especially when I was getting the 11p a week while he was in the US!
I would never do this in front of the children, although I am more upfront with the eldest now about facts.
I wish I was stronger.
I get £5 a week from my X through CSA, she's on, as far as I know income support, do you know off hand if that will change too? not that I actually notice it anyway, but still : )
I think if you're on benefits £5 is what the rate would be.
Rather pointless I think as it benefits no one, maybe if they could like save it up for me and give it to me every Christmas, that would be good : )
Yes, the £5 seems to be a flat rate for those on benefit to give. I get a princely £10 a week from the father of my children :o That's just for one child though :roll:
Interesting what you say about wanting to hold up a mirror, sparkling lime. I don't know if you have ever studied psychology :?: but this is called projection....ie when we "project" onto others the bad bits of ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better.....
As for you being stronger, i think you do a pretty fab job already! :D
Louise
That's really kind of you to say.
Wish I felt it!! :D
For tomorrow, I'm planning another attempt at a lie-in, unless, of course, as usually happens, I choose to get up early. :)
I reckon the doorbell will be ringing before 9.30am. I do hope it won't...