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Hi guys,
I need to get my feelings off my chest because I feel like I am going under.
I am feeling so oiverwhelmed lately and just cant seem to over come it. I have always been everybody's agony aunt as well as the "go to" person. I normally have a very bubbly personality and people tend to say they only have to pop round to mine for 5 mins and they leave laughing.
But now, I am just so sick of everything. I do suffer with severe depression (but nobody who knows me knows this) and my defense mechanism has always been to be the "class clown" but now I just cant be bothered. I have lost interest in everything - my house is a tip, I cant be bothered conversating with anyone, I am behind with my uni work, my bills are piling up, I am gaining weight rapidly because I cant stop eating ( have never been a big eater before) and I dont want to go out anywhere.
Everyone is on at me that I am acting "weird" and this is making me angry because I feel everyone thinks I should just be entertaining them all the time. You may have seen on my other thread I have got sick of looking after other kids (but have always enjoyed this and having been doing it for 3 years). Right now my boyf is in the other room wondering why I havent come to chat to him, but i just cant be bothered so i got straight in bed when he came and am pretending I am going to sleep.
I know I shouldnt say things like this, as I have the most precious daughter in the world, but I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up! I would never do anything stupid as I once took a very serious overdose and it nearly destroyed my family, but at the same time I feel angry because its like I have to go on for everyone elses sake. It is so hard for me to open up to people about my feelings because they just dont seem to think I am ever capable of being down ( even when I took an overdose , my family managed to convince themselves it must have been some kind of mistake, not noticing it was the product of years of depression). Comments like "oh you'll be alright your strong" or "nothing ever gets to you" or " you have a solution for every problem" or "you are always so happy" prevent me from ever really communicating things to others. Even now as I am struggling to even get out of bed, people are saying im acting "weird" not even considering that something may be wrong.
I have just had enough. Sorry to rant guys.
Thanks lrh, I am going to the docs this morning, she seems to be the only person I can open up to. My boyf is supportive but more on a practical level he doesnt really do 'emotions' that well and right now his practical help will get on my nerves because I will feel like he will sort the bills/house etc and then expect me to be ok and that isnt going to happen so I am keeping him at a distance or I will be snapping with him.
I do probably need to ask others for help but for some reason have never been able to do that. Since I were little I always kind of the 'strong' one, my mum struggled a lot when we were kids so I always had to take on a supportive role (being the oldest) and it has made me take on a persona of being 'able to cope with anything' but it really isnt the case.
Dear littleangel, I am glad to see that you are being pro-active and have arranged to go and see the doctor.
It is so horrible when you can feel yourself slipping. Have you ever had NLP therapy? I can't remember if you have or not, I think this sounds like a good time for it.
One thing I am wondering, you started a thread recently about losing some weight for your summer beach holiday, has this become quite consuming in your life? Are you looking in the mirror and everytime worry about your body in a bikini? Are you eating more than you should then beating yourself up because you are trying to lose weight?
I ask this because I think body image impacts on our thoughts and wellbeing so hugely that we can get lost on a road of self disappointment and apathy.
Hi Anna,
I havent had NLP therapy, what is that? I am waiting on some CBT therapy.
Just got back from the docs, she has referred me to a psychiatrist as she thinks I am having a major depressive episode. My only concern of this is that my ex is using my 'unfit mental state' as ammunition in court, but the doc has reassured me that any reports she writes on me will be favourable, although I still worry!
My over eating has been because of the meds I was taking (doc has decided to stop them today) I have gained over 1 1/2 stone. I dont have a good body image and have in my teens had anorexia, but my weight doesnt cause me major issues now I just like to be a decent size but wouldnt get too down about it. Hopefully now am off them meds I will lose some weight.
Apathy is the one thing that I am struggling with at the moment - I just cant be bothered with anything its a horrible feeling that I cant shake. My boyf thinks you can just 'snap out of it' or 'cheer yourself up' and thats what gets me so frutrated because I really cant.
NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming, from what I can gather it is where your unconscious mind and conscious mind connect. I have recetnly been reading about it and find it fascinating.
So in the way that CBT helps you to change your thought patterns to healthy postive thoughts to create healthy positive actions. NLP looks at how we organise ideas and actions, often we find we have learned a way of being and we will continue to do this until we teach it something different.
Have a look on You Tube there are some free courses and some interesting seminars on NLP.
Sounds interesting, I'll look it up - cheers x
Hi littleangel, sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, what can you do to help yourself well you wait for an appointment? what has helped you in the past when you have felt down?
It is amazing what goes on in our brains, it took me years to discover that i could actually choose how i thought and felt about others or situations, it had amajor impact on my life.
Hope you have a better week this week 
Hi littleangel. You've made the first move by going to see your GP asap, so well done for that. I'm sure you were as nervous as anything, but you took the step. Could you perhaps write your feelings down, describing it exactly, keep the letter, and show it to anyone that calls, ie, friends, family, boyfriend? This way, you're not telling people over and over, and you're also asking for help, without actually asking out loud if you see what I mean.
Hi Sally thanks for your reply. In the past when I have been down it generally worn off after a few days or an increase/change in meds. Its so hard to really describe how it feels because nothing really lifts me out of it - I could win the lottery now but I would still have this black cloud. For the past week or so I have tried lots of things I normally enjoy bingo, day out with little angel, going out for a meal, reading good book but nothing so far has worked.
Hi hazeleyes, thanks for your response. I have started writing somethings down but I dont think I could show to anyone. My family dont really understand depression and they think I should just count my blessings and be happy and boyf only understands practical problems. Writing it down is good for me though just so I can air my feelings in some way
Hopefully, you won't have to wait too long for your appointment littleangel. In the meantime, if it helps, keep writing it down on here, and maybe we can all put our heads together to get you through this rough period.
Aw thanks hun, having a little moan about it does help a bit 
Keep on moaning girl, and we'll keep on listening
What are you up to tonight?
do you know littleangel I have realised over this past 6 months that when i feel low i just have to go with how i am feeling as i too have tried to do things i enjoy and pull myself together generally but top be honest nothing works so now i sleep and generally laze about and give myself time to come round naturally - it feels a bit odd as i am normally a pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself type of girl but i am learning fast that i have to ride this out - for me there is nothing else for it and each time i seem to get over it quicker than if i fight it - not sure if this would work for you but maybe worth a try - it is maybe your body's way of telling you to slow down and take care of yourself
Tonights plan is an early night, sleep seems to be my best friend at the moment.
LRH I think your right, I always feel pressured to 'snap out of it' so I try doing all the things I enjoy but it just feels like I am dragging myself through the motions and making myself feel worse because i cant snap out of it. Normally a few days of lazing and sleeping and being moody and I will eventually get back up. It is taking longer this time and people are noticing and commenting so I think that is making me feel like I need to do something. But if I had it my way I would slam the door on the world and stay in my bed till I feel better, in fact that is almost what I am doing except for taking care of angel.
Loads of hugs littleangel
then I would go with your feeling littleangel - don't worry about what other people say but I would say be honest if people express concern and say how you are feeling and see if they offer any support - having no expectations of yourself is quite refreshing - trust me - I know
Good morning littleangel - great advice from littleredhen. I think it is such an important skill to learn - to be able to allow ourselves to 'be blue'. I love the phrase 'having no expectations of ourselves' and letting our body and mind come round naturally. It is essential that during this time we are kind to ourselves and think positive thoughts, so rather than 'I feel awful, my house is a mess, I am a bad mum and I just want to hide from the world' think to yourself 'I've been feeling awful, I am going to hide from the world for a couple of hours and sleep/watch morning tv/read, then at least when I pick up littleangel, I shall feel better'
Were you told how long the waiting list is for the psychiatrist is?
Have a look at this fabulous resource from Mind, there is lots of information on what you can do to help yourself when facing Depression.
Cheers Anna, I'll have a look at that site.
Doc said she couldnt be sure how long it will take as its not been put through as urgent but I have to have weekly doc visits untill my referral comes through because I used to be a self harmer right from my early teens till two years ago so the appointments will help me not go back to that.
Having no expectations is a good idea, sometimes I think my problem is I "imagine" other people have expectations of me although no one has ever said they do I just feel lik they do if that makes sense?!
Yes it makes sense littleangel - but repeat after me " I have no expectations of myself today"
"I have no expectations of myself today"
that's it littleangel!
Good job! How are you feeling today littleangel?
Still fed up Anna but its good I can vent on here as I would normally keep it locked up inside and things get worse.
Did you see that you can ring Mind as well littleangel, if you needed to talk to someone, perhaps find a local support group? Their number is 0300 123 3393, which is open Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm.
Update:
Well since I last been on here things went from bad to worse, but am feeling a little better today.
I ended up having an argument with my mum when I tried to tell her I was struggling to manage, she went mad at me (which I expected tbh) and then I had a massive row with boyf which (i am utterly ashamed to admit) resulted in me physically assaulting him. I hit an all time low after that because I have been a victim of domestic violence myself and never thoyght I could hit another person. I am afraid to admit that after I assaulted boyf I seriously contemplated ending my life, but my boyf is the most amazing man ever and he immediately recognized I was loosing it completely. We had a big talk and I explained everything to him and he just jumped in to action and has been excellent since. Even more amazing, the next morning after my row with my mum she must have had a think about what I had said and she has been a massive support ever since. It feels so good to have people on board to help me. My mum especially has suprised me so much and she has just been brilliant.
I am still waiting for psychiatrist appointment but I can finally see some light at end of tunnel. I spoke with doctor after I flipped on boyf and she was very understanding and has given me something to calm me down a bit.
Although I feel awful for hurting boyf in some ways it has helped me realise just how much I need help and can see some good in it and my amazing boyf has forgiven me.
Thanks Anna for the number, I'll probably try it in the week could do with meeting some like-minded people x
Sounds like everything came to a head, little angel.
By being violent, you have shocked yourself. I do believe we are all capable of violence, even while knowing it is wrong. And you have learned about yourself and about those closest to you.
Time to take a deep breath and make a fresh start. But just before you do, think back to how you were feeling just before the assault. Categorise those feelings so you can immediately recognise them if they occur again and avoid it resulting in violence. This will help you loads as you will learn about your personal triggers.
I am so pleased that your boyfriend has been so strong for you and in particular that your mum recognises she was not helpful when you initially taked to her. This could be the start of a whole new phase of your life!!!! Onwards and upwards...
Thanks Louise, I hope so.
Just havent felt like myself for a couple of weeks and think I just exploded on the closest person to me because I was just so frustrated that I didnt think anyone was hearing that i needed help. I feel awful, as I have been assaulted many times myself and I know how wrong it is. I feel like such a hypocrite now going to court and talking about my ex's violence after what I did. My boyf is twice the size of me and could have fought back but has never laid a finger on me and never would. I feel like I know this now and maybe part of me deep inside lashed out at him to see if he would?! I dont know but I know i would never hit anyone else so there must be something in it. Either way no excuse and I felt it was right that I should go and tell my doctor - which boyf didnt want me too as he was scared I get in to trouble (I didnt cause him any injuries) but i knew I had to be honest and take any consequences that came my way. My doc made things seem clearer to me though and she felt that it was years of pressure bubbling over and given the situattion (arguing with mum and boyf at same time whilst also feeling overwhelmed/anxious etc) although it was wrong she made me see how I got to that frame of mind (I was massively freaked out by time I got to her).
But yeah onwards and upwards from now on....
Sounds like your GP was talking a lot of sense there. And I do think that you have hit the nail on the head about it being the ultimate "test" for your boyfriend.
Hope you soon start feeling better
Hello little angel, have been thinking about you and hoping you feel a little easier, let us know how you are getting on
Thanks Louise, I am doing much better than have been past 2 weeks. Getting there slowly x
Glad to know that things are moving in the right direction
Hi littleangel, you really have had an awful lot of stuff going on recently - did you contact MIND about the local groups?
Thanks Anna, I have been on MIND website and joined a couple of depression forums from there and have even taken part in an online support group session. It really has been helpful to speak with other people that have had similar experiences as me with their mental health. I am continuing to take part on discussions on those sites and it seems to make all the difference. When your depressed/anxious you really feel like you the only one and you are crazy so it has been very enlightening speaking with others. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction x
Hey thats great littleangel!!
Hopefully by chatting with other people who have had similar experiences to yourself, you get a better insight into your own workings.
Very pleased to hear that this has been a good find for you.
so sorry you are feeling like this - I guess its perfectly normal - I would urge you first of all to talk to your boyfriend - you can't deal with this alone - he sounds very supportive.
I think the problem is when we deal with things so well people will always think that we can always deal with them but it is ok to say you are not feeling great and would love the support of people but I think people need to know exactly what you need help with so for example you could say that things in the house are getting on top of you and could one of them help you get sorted out.
I would go back to the doctors and tell the doctor how you are feeling too.
Sending you a bit motivational hug