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Hi
Three weeks ago I found out that my husband of 3 years and partner for 10 years was having an affair with a lady he works with - she was even at my wedding!
I won't lie things had become difficult since our beautiful daughter was born and we somehow got into a rut, but I always believed we would work through it. He left the first time when my daughter was 7 months and we both tried hard to solve our issues and he returned. 3 months later he moved out again - he told me he had to sort his head out as he was not happy about us - so I gave him the space he needed. During the last 7 months I have tried to show him that we can make this work, but at times it felt like a loosing battle, but I perserveered becasue all I wanted was my family back together.
All the time he never once said he had no intention to come back nor did he tell me he didn't love me anymore and it was over. 3 weeks ago it transpired that he had been seeing this woman over the last 3 months and my world fell apart. The affair I thought I could forgive, but all the lies he told me about how we are still trying was just too much to deal with. I still love him so much and would take him back - but he doesn't want me..
I'm so lost and confused that someone I thought I knew so well could hurt me so much and give up on his family for his own selfish needs.. I'm devasted...he's not the person I fell in love with.
I need some reasurance that the pain I am feeling does eventually go away..its so hard to put to one side over a decade of happy memories with the one person I truly loved.
Hello adriana
You are very welcome here, and this is a friendly site with lots of support from others.
I am not surprised you are feeling lost, poor you, with all the comings and goings and then with a small child to care for. Hazeleyes has asked an important question: what support do you have around you? it's really important to talk about your feelings and share with other people so you don't feel so alone.
The end of a relationship is a bit like a bereavement, with so many feelings going on at the same time, some of them quite surprising. Just go with them. As long as your daughter is fed and cleanish then don't worry too much about the day to day things for a little while. THEN it will be time to get practical in terms of can you stay living where you are? what money do you have coming in? etc but first just be very kind to yourself. Yes, you WILL get over this in time but it will take a while, the hurt has been very deep, but step by step you will get there.
If you would like to read about some other peoples' experiences of what you are going through then there are two threads to have a look at here and here. Sometimes it helps to know what you are feeling is normal!
Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Try and eat even if it is just a little. We are here for you and don't forget that if you need someone to talk to at any time of day or night, you can call the Samaritans on 08457 909090
Take care and keep posting.
hi adriana welcome to this site . i have found this site to be very helpful and it allows us to speak how we feel and get advice . louise is right it is like a bereavement and we have to got through each stage as it comes . it is hard my ex left me in may after being married for 17 yrs and like you i loved this gut with everything i had . i had had afew boyfriends but he was my real love the first guy i had ever slept with . so this i find hard to deal with . and yes i think its the lies that hurt us the most . and you cant get your head round how they can live in their lies and their world well i cant . but each of us on here are at different stages and give advice which truely helps so keep posting and you will get support .
Hi Adriana, I'd like to send you an enormous hug - and sincerely hope you can get the real thing from good friends and family to help you through this horrible time. My advice is to take any and all offers of practical and emotional help, you really need to look after yourself.
If you don't have many close people around, a site like this will be a life-line, with women who have been through the same or similar situations - and survived! And even come out the other end as a stronger and more confident person.
At the moment you probably can't imagine how you will move forward, it seems like walking through treacle - but like the others say, take it one day at a time, you will get there.
I'm wondering what's your husband's contact with your daughter like at the moment? Does he see her regularly or is everything up in the air? There's others with much more experienced and professional advice on the site, but personally I'd suggest that you and he try to establish at least weekly contact, it will be better for all of you in the long run. Easily said, I know!
OK, take care of yourself, and remember to make the most of any support you can find.
Lucy
Hi
Yes, the pain does go away - in time.
Glad you've found us...
Thank you for all your kind and supportive comments. I have two good friends and family who are supporting me at the moment. It helps to hear that me feeling lost and not being able to see any end to my pain is what all you have gone through too.. and you have gotten through it.
My husband see's my daughter currently every other weekend - this arrangement is not final but for me to sort my head out - I guess this sounds selfish on my behalf and until I'm in a better place I will reasses the arrangments.
Its my daughters birthday in a month, closely followed by Christmas - I am scared and really worried how access will work out - do you have any suggestions that have worked for you and your children? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. x
For the first few birthdays, we had a birthday tea at my Father-in-Law's house. Strained between the two of us, but the children didn't notice as they were enjoying their birthday tea. It didn't last though.
There were birthdays when the children were with him (at first they were with him every other weekend), but then I'd either celebrate it before they went on when they came back. Not easy, but the children absolutely love having two birthday parties (and two Christmas'!).
The first two Christmas' he came to us for Christmas dinner. Told him he was welcome any time from 7am. He didn't arrive until 9am the first one, and after 11am the second. He would leave at 3pm on the nose! (to travel to which ever fiance he was with at the time **meaw**)
The third Christmas he lived close by, and as the meal was costing me a bomb, and as I had the pleasure of buying it, cooking it and doing the washing up, I told him to make dinner at his place for the children. Which he did.
After that he chose to see them on 27 December.
So, I've been lucky as there hasn't been issues.
As hard as it is, being able to realise the children love to celebrate their birthday or Christmas twice helps. Same with Mother's Day or Father's Day. It does work...
Personally though, I do feel that as your daughter is so young, Christmas Eve I would feel she would need to be at home with you to be there when Santa calls.
Thinking of you
hi i will be hard this year for you and likewise me . i have done the 1st birthdays on my own it was not easy but i coped i just did the best i could and did a little birthday tea . gave the cake to neighbours but let my son give that out as he liked doing that . i have not much family and they dont live near either . friends i do have are good they help when they can . i did my birthday on my own the kids were with me but it was hard i had taken them out for a meal and i cried but now taking them out to eat gets better when i can do that which is rare. im not looking forward to christmas at all , friends say that i cant stay at home the first one on my own so friends have ibnvited me down to theirs so i may do that .
my situation is alittle different as my kids dont yet see their dad due to reasons but i would say that mine have stated that they would not like to go to his at all xmas is with me and that what they want . i would say for you like sparklinglime says your daughter is young so i would say the same she as to be with you by all means invite your ex it is his choice whether he comes yes it would be hard but that way you remain in control and you are still being nice . could you not go to family or friends ? i think we have to be strong for our kids and make it the best we can for them and not show that it is not hurting us
take care
Hi adriana
The Christmas issue can be a thorny one, but only if people set such store on it being "Christmas Day". As sparkling says, they love having two Chritsmasses.
What I always did was have my boys in the morning then dropped them at their dad's (he would have been on his own otherwise, with no friends and a rather uncaring family). I would pick them up again at bedtime and we would have our Christmas Day together on Boxing Day. Meanwhile, on Christmas Day, although I had invitations I preferred to have some me time, used to have a curry for dinner, put favourite movies on and congratulate myself on what I had achieved that year and plan what I wanted the coming year to bring. But each family has to work out the right way for themselves. You can have a system of taking turns if you wish or compromise and she could have part of the day with each parent 
Thanks all - I spoke to my ex last night and we are going to try christmas eve and morning with me, then PM with both of us and my husbands in the evening and stay boxing day at his families.
I am still struggling to come to the reality of all of this and I feel like I am sinking, constantly thinking about my daughters future and what effects us not being together may have on her.
In comparison my husband isn't. His care free - it'll be fine if we are appart for our daughter is waring very thin and I am confused and shocked how easily he is accepting this. He only see's her every other weekend and if that was me I would be knocking down the door for more access, but he isn't. Is this normal? - are my expectations too high - or am I thinking he is still the person I fell in love with who would act that way?. Even the christmas arrangements he didn't mention about having her any longer than boxing day?
I'm fighting with my conscious at the moment and need to let go.. x
Hi adriana, I'm about two months down the line of my separation, and know exactly how you're feeling...( I think now the shock has worn off, the feelings of abandonment somehow seem more overwhelming).
But everyone is really great here offering support and good advice....at least you are thinking ahead to Christmas which is positive too...
Hugs (())
It's disappointing that he does not want more time with your daughter, disappointing for her, that is. I can't tell you what is "normal", some parents disappear and never see their chold again, others are constantly doing the beating down the door thing, that you mentioned. I am glad you have sorted out an arrangement anyway
Hi Adriana, welcome to onespace, i know exactly how you feel wjth your ex not seeing much of your daughter, my ex only sees our two for two hrs every saturday he doesnt even take them home to his place, once their time is up in those indoor play centres he brings them home, he hasnt even asked to see them over the half term!!! When we first met he was confident that he was going to be a great dad as his dad left when he was 4 and he felt bitter towards him all his life as he hasnt seen him for 40 yrs and what do you know he just up and left his own kids too.
Hope you are ok stay strong and look forward to chatting xx
That sounds good to have Christmas arrangements in place. You can work around them then.
Your daughter has you, and it will be ok. My lot were amazing really the way they dealt with things and accepted the situation.
How're you feeling today Adriana?
Hi Mich
Still feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I just can't get off. I have really strong feelings in regards to 10 years memories with my husband that I just can't belive that we are over. I think my biggest hurdle is the realisation that he is now with someone else. His family also know he is seeing someone else and they seem to be all fine with it, but I need to put those angry feelings aside as I don't know what he has told them about me.
I did have have a relapse and begged him to come back and let us try and work things out but all I got from him was silence which only added to my feelings of utter rejection. The confusion lies with him telling me he cares still and wants to help but only in a friend capacity - can you really fall out of love that easily with someone?
I am also really worried about my daughter. She is refusing to sleep in her cot now and is not taking her bedtime bottle of milk. Its liks she is scared of sleeping alone and I don't know If this is just a phase or she is picking up on the situation. I love her so much and just feel so helpless.
We have agreed on a parental agreement but I believe he is lying in regards to his new partner seeing my daughter and yet again I can do nothing to stop it.
I know I just need to carry on and do the best for my daughter but more times than oftern I doubt I can do this by mylsef. I also don't know if allowing him to see my daughter every other weekend is enough time for her and whether I need to let him see her more becasue is this why she is having her night issues?
Sorry to sound off and all the questions.. x
Hi adriana
We are always here to talk to so no need to apologise. You are welcome to share your feelings here
Try not to worry too much about your daughter. There could be many reasons for her changed pattern at bedtime. She is eating proper food now so is not relying solely on milk. Have a chat with your Health Visitor if you would like some reassurance.
Re contact with her dad, ideally this should be little and often at your daughter's age...but you need to think through the implications of this....does this mean he has to keep coming to the house? will that cause more worry for you about the new partner? etc
Thanks Louise..
Talking to you all really helps and a appreciate your comments. My daughter was ok tonight and took her bottle of milk and went to sleep ok. Its hard not to worry how this is effecting her but I know I need to keep my emotions from her and ensure she only gets the love she deserves.
In regards to contact with her dad - your right that I am concerned abut him coming to the house, it makes me very uncomfortable knowing he is here without me. As does coming home and seeing him. He doesn't want to move any closer (currently staying an hour away in Kent) I have told him that it would be easier if he had a place closer as it would mean S could stay with him mid week but is not willing to consider this which hurts me as he can't see it would mean he could spend more time with her.
Every other weekend is good for me, but i am unsure if this is good for our daughter.
Thanks again, hope you are all ok too.. x
hello
I am new to this page but have found the help and advice so helpful.
Two weeks ago my husband of 3 years (partner of 10) told me he couldn't stay with me anymore. We have a beautiful one year old daughter who we both adore. Today he finally packed his bags and left to go to his mothers. He has taken our daughter too for the weekend. Its all been so emotional and I am in utter shock. He says he doesnt love me like he used to and that I have 'broken' him. We have had a pretty horrid year as we bought a house which ended up being a disaster and hence we have been living out of bags at my mums for three months. That, and having a young baby, took its toll me me and I guess I took in out on him. He puts most of the blame on me although he accepts his part too. He just says he won't be coming back to me and its over. I am battling with the fear and loneliness. I feel frightened as I go back to work in 2 weeks and all the plans we had made are now ruined. On the upside he is a very devoted Dad and has promised to look after us no matter what. The trouble is I miss him and would have done anything to give it another go. He just refused all options of councelling or trying again. He just says he can't. I am so hurt and confused.
Hello abitlost im so sorry to hear of your break up, its awful hard to get your head around whats happening and things can feel frightening, just take one step at a time, perhaps give him a week or two and see how he feels, if thats what you want? Keep posting as others will be along soon to give more help and advice, look forward to chatting, take care x
Hello abitlost and welcome to One Space, glad you have found it helpful
Sorry to hear about your recent break up, Perfectly natural that your feeling so confused and hurt and it still is early day's.
Have you any supportive friends? are you still at your Mums?
Hi abitlost
It all must feel very strange and yes, you have had a difficult year, it is never easy living in someone else's house, even your mum's. You need to give time fo the dust to settle, he may change his mind but in the meantime you need to move forward with your life and continue with your plans to go back to work. Does your mum help out with your daughter?
Stay with us as we will support you with this
Hi abitlost
Your post sounds identical to what I am going through now and when I started this post.. the likeness is remarkably scary in regards to yours husbands and my husbands reasons, excluding the affair - i am so sorry and I know you need a massive hug now.
Friends and family are your greatest support - trust me. You are not alone, I know its hard but you can and will get through this. We are all here for you too.
I know it is really scary for you, and a month in to my husband leaving I am still all over the place - all I know is its going to take time to sort my head out and you should need to give yourself that time. Also look after yourself, i know how easy it is not to but you have a little one to look after and they need you.
Stay strong and keep in touch xx
Thank you everyone. Its so good to have some help and advice from you all. It restores a bit of faith in human nature that people who dont even know me care so much.
I am still at my mums and continuing to get my home ready for me and my daughter. The ex is being very odd now turning it all around on me, as though I am the one who left! He tried to get physical when I saw him last and when I rejected his advances he said its clear I dont want him back and its my fault! Sex is the last thing I need from him now as it wont mend my broken heart. He is still very emotional about it all but I dont want to be used. He also doesnt want to move out of our 'building site' home and find somewhere else so we can get moving back in. I feel like he needs to go and realise what he is giving up and go it alone for a while. Men........
Luckily I do have fantastic friends and family support which I would have been lost without. I go back to work next week after 13 months off so am trying to keep busy sorting childcare arrangements which have to change as I will now be doing it alone. I suspose the worst thing is being alone for the first time in many years.
I do feel slightly better generally. I have my down days and get very emotional but I actually ate breakfast today which is a miracle!! I am so grateful to have my daughter no matter what happens.
I hope everyone else out there in this situation is bearing up. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger and all that. My love and thanks to you all. I will keep you posted xxxxx
Hi abitlost....the best thing you can do right now is try to keep your mind busy like you are doing sorting out child care arrangements for when you go back to work. This will also help to keep your mind focused on other things too...You will still get down days, but that's normal too...keep chatting...
hi abitlost it is funny how they turn things round to say its your fault and yet it was them that left and its them that did what they did . try not to be listen to what he is saying stay focused and you will get there stay posting we are here
Thanks guys. We had our last conversation a week ago and he tells me without any doubt it is over. He wants to remain amicable but I cannot do that at the moment as I have so much hate towards him. I also miss him terribly and am dreading my first Christmas without him. I did find two cinema tickets in his trouser pockets for a night he said he was working so pretty sure now there is a third party involved. He is still seeing our daughter at weekends and I have asked him to move out of our empty house asap so we can move back in. He tells me he will do this next week. I just want him to leave and let me get on.
Has anyone managed to get any counselling? I cant afford to go privately but could really use some. I feel so anxious all the time and feel like my heart is racing and I am having a panic attack. Started the rescue remedy but think I am way beyond its powers now!
chin up all for now xxxx
Counselling is free through your GP, although there will be a waiting list. have a look here, it is a page which lists some free/lower cost counselling places in London
hi adriana how are you ? hope you both are ok . it does hurt when they wont try to help more with the children it is like they only want when they can and that bit hurts . i know cause i begged mine to put more effort into our boys but he told me that they were not his number one thought any more and he would not put on hold his new partner for them.
mine was coming most days but only for a hr or so and taht was upsetting never on a wed or sat wouldnt have them for a whole day only if his new bit was out . but now he cant see them as he is on bail , well he can the younger one but as not tried to see him.
well look at it this way it will be his loss and you and your daughter will have a stronger bond . it will be him that will miss out .
hope you are ok take each day as it comes and in time it will get easeier
Thanks Louise, I'll take a look at whats on offer for the counselling.
Shaz, what a pathetic man who puts another woman before his kids. Its shameful and I will never understand it. I could never imagine not seeing my daughter as often as I could.
My ex turned up two hours late twice to see our daughter this wk and i lost it and refused to let him have her which i probably shouldnt have done. I was so angry that he wasnt putting her first as I always do. He has now left for good and has found somewhere else to live so I have had a bit of an emotional relapse, but trying hard to get on. I have also asked him not to contact me but to arrange seeing our daughter through our family, its too hard otherwise.
Looking forward to a year from now when things will be settled hopefully.
love to you all and keep fighting. This in time will be their loss not ours.
Hi Shaz and all
Things are a little difficult at the moment. I have distanced myself from my ex and only contact him via text about our daughter. Although this week he has not contacted me at all, even to ask if she is ok? I am really confused how he previously could say how much he loves her and misses her then doesn't ask about her especially as I have been informing him that she is just not sleeping and getting into such a state when I leave her to go to sleep she throws up..
I understand I have asked for space but this surely this does not include ignoring how our daughter is as I have been up front that we must talk about consistency and her well being.
Shaz you are a strong person like all of you in the same siutuation on here - I completely agree it is his loss I just hope she doesn't grow up hating me for not letting him see her more..
The world is still turning and we just have to keep going - like all of you I need to stay focused for my daughter.
Stay strong everyone xx
Hi adriana
Every fortnight is pretty normal for children to see an absent parent. You seem to be questioning whether your daughter will hate you for not 'letting' him see her more. You said earlier in your post that you suggested he moved closer so that she could see him mid week, but he didn't want to do that.
From this day forward it is about you and your daughter. He chose to leave and you are now the one in the steering wheel. If he is not going to ring to find out how his daughter is, as you say, that is his loss.
You need to be focussing on you, your home and your little girl and the future. It is strange after sharing your baby with your partner and then they leave and don't show the love and affection that they used to, however they have to now come to terms with the changes and figure out how they are going to proceed.
Keep concentrating on you adriana, you are doing a grand job.
Thank you Anna..
You are right and I need to keep reminding myself of this.. I also need to detach myself from caring about my ex..I guess this will come in time as I'm still worrying about his feelings when I can guarantee he wasn't thinking about me when he lied and found someone else to start a new relationship with.
I can't help wonder whether what I am doing is ok for my daughter and myself but as you said I have to keep going and your support and guidance is really appreciated..
Thanks again, Adriana
Hello adriana
I just wanted to add that your daughter seems to be feeling insecure about things if she is being sick and not wanting you to leave her at night, she is probably a bit scared that you will go, like daddy did. Your job now is to give her a lot of reassurance about how much you love her and you will never leave her. If she sees you seeming "jittery" about things then that is harder for her.....I would say that being a rock for your daughter is your priority right now
Been away for a bit...but just wanted to say that if you are suffereing from panic attacks...then ( and I know I keep going on about them), but the Paul McKenna CD's do work...You can either get from Amazon:
I can mend your broken heart...or The stress one he has,( but not sure of the name of that one)...Put them on an I-Pod and listen to them when you go to bed at night...
Hi adriana. Welcome along. I'm so sorry you're going this. You feel betrayed, and rightly so. The pain you're feeling right now, will eventually go away, but it will take a long time. Just take it day by day. No one can tell you how long it'll take, everyone is different, but it will go. Please keep posting, as everyone here is so supportive. Do you have friends and family around you? Take care.