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Hello im Theresa, im a signle parent and have been since my son was 13 months old, he is now 13 years old. Am I the only person out there that feels like they just dont want to do this any more? I love my son dearly but I find him such hard work and it never seems to get any easier.
Apart from going to work, (I do love my job) I feel as if I do nothing at all for myself. Every time I want to go anywhere my son objects therefore, I stop going places. I find myself constantly at home on the weekends just ironing, cleaning, gardening etc, and every suggestion I make about going to see my parents, or going out to my son, I get "Oh, do we HAVE to go there, I want to stay at home and play with my friends! Cant you go on your own and leave me here, I will be ok!"
His father hasnt seen him since he was a baby and hes tried to get in contact with him recently and he has promised to ring my son and not done so! He is so cruel and I really feel for my son because of this. He is angry and takes it out on me. I just feel like his father walked away without so much as a backward glance and left me with my son and all that comes with it to deal with alone.
I know that it sounds selfish but some days I really wish I could change places with my friends that dont have kids and none of the worries that come with them. I feel so restricted and resent my son sometimes and then with all of that I feel guilty. I feel like he is a ball and chain sometimes. I sound horrible.
If I do manage to get him to come to places with me he naggs me to death for things and spends money like it is going out of fashion. He constantly asks for things all the time. I seem to have lost the will to reason with him as to why he cant have things. I think that he wants lots of things to make up for his father not being in his life.
I have started to see a counsellor about this but have only been once so far. Im stressed out. Anyone got any suggestions to help us?
Hi Theresa7, welcome to one space
No you are definitely not alone in thinking that you would love to be young free single and childless Hazeleyes is right it doesnt make you selfish, it does make you human. I myself have 5 children age range 24 down to 10 and in some ways I guess the more you have the easier it is, when the 4 eldest were little they all played together etc so I did get a little time to myself although have to say I rarely took it as I was always waiting for the inevetable falling out and bickering, my youngest has in many ways been like an only child given the age difference but he has also picked up many of his elder siblings ways!!!!! He is now 10 and his vocabulary is fantastic, all in all a really good little boy, BUT there are still days when I wish I could just take off and do whatever it is I want to do, if I do want to go it, it has to be planned with military precision, the teen girls always want a financial treat to look after their little brother, then they want a take away so more often than not I dont bother going out, so you are not alone at all xxx
Please stay with one space, it really is a wonderful site xxx
Hello and thank you to Hazeleyes and Tiredmum for your comments.
Im glad that im not the only person that feels like this sometimes. Yesterday I felt so down and coudnt stop crying, spoke to my sister on the phone last night but she doesnt really understand, she has a husband and three children, doesnt have to work, but she does know what my son is like. I feel so guilty saying that I just dont want to be a mum any more and want to escape it all, then last night I looked at my son, asleep on the sofa, that angelic little face and I feel so much love for him its unreal. Then I am beating myself up for feeling like this about him.
I have built up the independence thing with him over a number of years now, hes really good to be honest, hes got his mobile if he needs to ring me or I him. He goes off up to the park with his friends and is back to base every now and then. The thing I find hard is that even tho he is out most of the time, when he comes home for dinner he doesnt want to spare the time to eat it, says hes not hungry, everything seems to be a battle or an argument to get him to do everyday things. Arguments over brushing teeth, having a shower, washing, schoolwork. It all seems to be an uphill struggle. Sometimes, I think, "why the hell wont he just do it when I ask!"
When I am talking to my son, it seems as if I am using a foreign language, I repeat myself over and over, the same things. I find myself telling him exactly the same thing today as I told him yesterday. I just think, I used to be a PERSON before all of this, I used to have a life and I used to be ME!
My life is constantly arranged around him and his life. I dont ask him to do a lot, just keep his room tidy, clean his school shoes, do homework and little things like that. I think back to my child hood and I had to do so much more than he does.
Before I became a mum and before I met my sons father, I had a good job, savings, a home and was in a relationship with someone for 13 years (mind you, he was having an affair behind my back, which is why we split up). Now, I have a different job, with the same company, managed to keep my house, (my sons father tried to force me to sell it to get half the equity, even though I had lived in it years before I met him). Ha, I could write a book.
Anyway, its comforting to know that I am not alone. Thanks for your help and I am glad that I have discoverd one space. Thakns to you both for your comments.
Theresa7 
Hi Theresa7
Great to see you here. You are DEFINITELY not the only parent who feel like/has felt like this. The trouble is that so few parents talk about it, that if we DO feel like it, we can feel as if we are odd or not a good parent. NOT TRUE!!!! I became a single parent when my boys were 3 and 8 and sometimes I used to go and sit in the car on the driveway just to get five minutes to myself.
The thing that you say where you compare your life before motherhood to what it is nowadays, that is something you cannot do much about and it is about getting your head around that. You are seeing a counsellor and they will really help with that. Perhaps here at One Space, as well as giving you some support we can also suggest some practical steps to help your day to day routine?
My boys are both a lot older now and I sooooo recognise the thing of having to repeat yourself over and over. Hazeleyes has talked about how we gradually give them more freedom and she is right: now is the time for you to strike a balance between freedom and reponsibilities. He is 13 now and yes he can go out and about on his own but he is old enough to start taking a different role in the house. As teens get older, we can use a Family Contract, but my own recommendation would be to adapt that slightly. Get a piece of paper and draw a vertical line down it. On one side write down things you do for him and for the household. Don't forget to include go out to work, feed you, do your washing etc. Put down the things he does on the other side, such as tidying his room. Sit him down with a favourite food, such as pizza and say that now he is getting older, you need to work out a new way forward. Pick a time when he is in a decent mood, and it is not his favourite Tv programme. Ask if there is anything else he can out on his side of the paper. In return you could offer to have something else on YOUR side of the paper, one of our mums on here found her son wanted a special breakfast cereal as his part of the bargain!
As for food, grr I always found this annoying, one really silly thing that worked for me was after a period of not eating, I called him for tea one night and on his plate was one pea, one slice of carrot and a tiny piece of meat. He laughed so much (his real tea was hidden in the microwave) that we were then able to discuss it properly.
Re outings, how about asking what HE wants to do, not much will please him at this age, but maybe cinema, bowling, swimming, lunch out? However, in recognition of his age, you can say that you have a budget and it is up to him to help decide how to spend it. Don't expect him to enjoy visits to relatives or to the shops but maybe once you have done an outing with him, yet another trade off will be that he will agree to accompany you in return.
I hope you have got your reading head on! because I have got lots of helpful reading for you.Here is a great article about teenagers. Also the most helpful book I have ever found for parents of teenagers is here (click on the links)
Anther thing you could think about is a Parenting Course. I would mention at this point that most of the people who go on these are good parents, just like you, who would like a bit of extra support. Contact your local Relate, they do a great short course called Riding the Storm. It would also enable you to meet other parents in that siutation. I know it is harder as a single parent but you CAN do this.
And.......the biggest tip of all that I can give you is do not lose your temper, bite your tongue......mine has a permanent ridge in it now as I have bitten it so much over the years 
Do stay with us, we would love to see you on here regularly, there is also a Chat section you might enjoy.
Hiya Louise, thanks for the advice, yes I am definately going to try the dinner today with one piece of carrot, pea etc on the plate. Thats brilliant.
You are right about doing a bit around the house, he should do a bit to help out, I even find myself asking him time after time, "why havent you scraped your plate into the bin?" He knows these are little things I expect him to do but he just will not do it without an argument.
I have tried his suggestions of places to go but they only involve one thing! Wheels, taking his bike (which will not fit in my car now) or scooter, sitting outside a skate park all afternoon is not my idea of fun. He used to love to go to the beach, looking in rock pools etc, but now doesnt want to go because you cant ride a scooter there.
Ive been taking him to swimming lessons since he was about 4, 5 years old, but now he even wants to quit that, saying "its a waste of a Friday night!" It only takes two hours for the lesson, travelling there and back and changing!
I did do a positive parenting course when my son was younger and did find it really helpful, but now that hes older I think I need to brush up on things and get some new ideas, I will try to find out about some courses in my area. Can you give me the links again, I cant see them.
I dont usually loose my temper, I just tend to go quiet and have a good cry. Ive lost my way a little with my son. And as for the ridge in your toungue, yeh, ive got one of them too lol.
Well, lets see if today will be a bit better, and I cannot WAIT until dinner time. Will let you know what happens. Thanks Louise, you have cheered me up no end.
Theresa7
Have a look at the links again, I think I have mended them () Do get that book, it is brilliant.
Hmm know what you mean about the outings, sitting outiside a skate park,....but maybe sometimes we have to do this, and that can be one of the things on your side the paper and in return he can ??? (up to you) I would take my mp3 or a book or something as well, heh heh.
You haven't lost your way, it is just that he has changed and is changing.
Hiya Theresa7, oh your message brings back so many memories. Yes, yes and yes!
Yes, I have often felt, especially when my daughter was younger, that I wanted to run away and gave up this parenting alone malarky - in fact to be honest, I still get those moments, just much less frequently! 
This time will pass, our children will grow up and although we will probably spend the rest of our lives worrying, caring and contemplating our children, our life will be our own again and we will probably find that we miss them!
Yes - I used to feel that there was no 'me' anymore, I had no life and seemed to spend my whole time working or doing housework. It is really important to find some you time, at 13 if you felt he was responsible enough, he could stay at home for a couple of hours, early evening while you went and did an activity - swimming, book club, yoga etc
Yes - I wanted to swap places with my childfree friends. I have one friend who moved to Barcelona about 10 years ago, I was always so envious of her carefree lifestyle, however I have since found out that she was envious of me, as I had a child, a secure home and a role in life!! We laugh about it now, especially as she is considering having children at 40 and my daughter is on the brink of leaving home in the next few years and my life will be mine again - yeehah!
You mention that you are in a different job but with the same company, do you enjoy your job??
Hello Anna and Louise, thanks for your comments on my situation. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. Sorry I havent got back to you sooner, had a bit of a hectic weekend, put a lot of things into perspective. My next door neighbour, a single man of 91 years of age, took his own life, I have been devastated by this. Have known him for 15 years or so, and my son has known him all his life. He lived alone and up until about a year ago has been fantastic, always out walking etc, however, he had cancer and got taken into hospital, he had various carers going in and out all the time over the last few months and I think it all got to him. Ive had police, doctor, his sister etc over on the weekend so makes my problems seem quite small.
I have been doing some things for myself, I go to college every Tuesday morning and have been for the last two years, doing an ECDL course, only two exams left to go.......yipee!!
Yes, and as my son is now a little older, I think I will start running in the morning before he gets up as I am always up really early, the exercise might do me good and make me feel a bit better. They do keep saying that exercise is good for depression!!
I do like my job, and the people I work with even more. Its hard work but I do love it.
I do sit with a book when I take my son to the skate park, but he is selfish in regard to wherever I want to go. Doesnt seem to matter where it is, but maybe all teenagers are the same. 
I can only take comfort in the fact that it wont last forever and just hope that I can come out the other side of this unscathed!
Thanks for all your advice and tips.
Theresa7
I'm so sorry about you neighbour.
What an awful shock for you and your son.
Hi Theresa7 that is terrible about your neighbour, a big upset for you both.
You are doing really well with moving your life forward, there are no easy answers but stay with us and there is a lot of support on here
Thanks Louise and Sparklinglime,
Yes its a massive shock. Its been great knowing that you are all on line for support. Im off to work today for a bit of sanity and a child free day, well up until 4pm anyway!! Its been a hard week so far and its been a lot to take in.
My son is still driving me crazy, ive got to do something about all of his stuff, I have been trying over the last few months and have got rid of loads at car boot sales. The trouble is, as soon as I clear a space, he wants more stuff. I refuse him loads but my mum keeps giving him pocket money all the time, which he does nothing to earn I might add!! Ive told her loads of times not to give him any and if she does she is to make him do something to earn it. I feel as if everything I say falls on deaf ears.
Each day I say the same things over and over to my son, im like a broken record. If I won the lottery I would hire a permanent live in nanny to take care of it all for me.
Anyway, im off to work, even tho I feel like getting back into bed (havent slept too well since I found out about my neighbour). Thanks again, great knowing that you are all ready with your good advice.
Theresa7
Hi again
I so know what you mean about the "stuff". My son went away to his grandaprents a couple of years ago now and I said to him that we were having a sort of Changing Rooms makeover of his room while he was gone. Got rid of bags and bags of stuff, heh heh.
Seriously it is difficulr if your mum gives him money, it is kind of her but sort of undermines you in how you are bringing him up. Is there anything big that he would like to save up for, you could be his savings bank and you could keep a little book of what he has in the "bank". You could offer a bonus system eg for every £5 he saves in the "bank" you will add another £1? It would also stop him spending money on general things if he was saving up.
Hope your day at work goes Ok. Sorry you are not sleeping too well. Please try and think of the 91 years of life that the neighbour had and all the happiness he experienced during that time and that (whilst not condoning suicide) maybe at 91 it was his time to go in the grand cycle of things.
Hiya Louise,
Yes, I think at 91 he had had enough. Dont think he liked the carers intruding on his privacy. He never had anything like that before and just dont think he could handle it. He was so independent and just thought he was being a burdon.
Yes, ive tried loads of things like that, regarding saving with my son. Hes just a spender!! We had a chat last night about things and OMG, a miracle, I came home from work and he had washed and wiped up the dishes (not many of them.....) put them away, wiped down the worktops and had a general tidy up! Dont faint!!!!!
I told him that I really appreciated him helping me out and if he could do that every now and again it would mean such a lot to me. I did say that I dont expect him to do things like this all the time, keeping his own things tidy would be a great help to me. (once he has masterd that, without the nagging etc, I could then move on to other little things) So, fingers crossed, I think I might have had a breakthrough!!! Keep your fingers, and toes, crossed for me.
Once again, thanks for your comments and advice. I do really appreciate it, its so comforting to know that I have you all to chat to.
Thanks again.
Theresa7
(....still feeling faint after Theresa7's son did the dishes......)
Hi Theresa7,
I know what you mean about wanting to run away. As a long term single Mum with no support I had always thought it would get easier and that has kept me going. I didn't realise it would be so different. It is like all your strength has been chipped away for years coping and you have to find even more strength when they are teeanegrs.
I also used to cope by dragging the kids out, it was my stress relief. I used to have days out on the beach with a picnic etc But as the kids get older they don't want to come as it is too boring for them lol But it is a bit far to leave the kids alone for whole day so you are spending more time local or just home.
this sounds trivial but my house was tidier when the kids were younger. I refuse to pick up after the kids, but getting them to do it, well you know what it's like. So I feel like i live in a squat lol! My eldest was supposed to tidy the living room (all his mess) but he has fallen asleep. My youngest should be doing the dishes, last week it took him two days to do them!!
Is it possible to leave your son for 30 minutes while you go for a quick walk around the block?
Doesn't it make a difference when they work tops are tidied up though?
Long may it continue.
I have to say that my lot have been so brilliant this last week.
It did make a difference to come home from work to a tidy kitchen, made me smile tho when I told my son to wash his hands before tea, he said. " OH, ive just cleaned this sink!!!!" I said, "yes, isnt it a pain when you clean something or tidy up a room and someone comes behind you and messes it all up!"
I think he is starting to get my drift but still is far from perfect. He left the front door unlocked the other day after coming home from school, he was outside on his bike and I had just driven home from work. I drum it into him every day to lock that door. Im so fed up of repeating myself its not true.
Anyway im going out today and taking my neice with us, we are going out to get away form my next door neighbours and their DIY!! (Been going on for years, the other side of my house) Can you believe it, Sunday morning, hammering and banging at 9.10am!!!!!!!!!!!! When is all this stress going to end???????
Theresa7
How is your weekend going? Theresa7?
Hello Louise, sorry havnt got back to you, been a very busy week so far, it wasnt too bad tho, took my son and neice out to the park. We had a good time, took a picnic as well. They enjoyed themselves.
Had my neighbors funeral today, was a lovely service tho and really nice to hear some things about his life. He had lived in the house next door to me for 71 years!! He was a lovely man and will be sadly missed.
Awww Theresa7, what a difficult day for you. So very sad.
I'm glad you've been able to get out.
Hello Theresa7 - just been reading your posts.
Firstly.... it's true you're not alone in the your thoughts. My children are much younger than your son but still they have a pretty good practice of being teenagers with strops, tantrums, door slamming.... and my daughter, my lovely little 5 year old darling, actually put her hand up to me the other week and turned her head away from me as if to say 'stop talking mum'. I did have to stifle a laugh actually, but it can be so tiring.
No matter how well you bring them up, once they start school and make friends and go through peer pressure to 'follow the gang' they change, don't they?! Glad to hear your son cleaned the sink. My son is 10 and it is real bug bear of mine when he finishes his food and leaves the plate with food on it and doesn't even empty it into the recycling bin.... and when I mention it to him to does do it... then leaves the plate in the sink for me wash up - :)
Secondly just wanted to say I hope you're ok today after your neighbour's funeral.
xx
Hi Theresa7
I think our posts crossed at the weekend! Glad you got out and had some fresh air.
A sad day for you today at the funeral, your neighbour is at peace now, bless him.
Mamaoftwo is right, you have to stay one step ahead of them all the time. Great that he cleaned the sink, I am all for an allocation of duties for children even if they are small, gets them used to the idea of working in a team rather than having a mummy-slave, and the bigger they get, the more they can do.
Hello and thanks for all your good wishes.
Had a lovely weekend away at my sister and her partners house with all my family. Lovely time and spoiled rotten. Still not getting any support from my mum regarding my son, but to be honest, I dont think I ever will.
My sons still the same, nothing changed, cleaned the sink out one day and thats been it. To be honest im too fed up with it all to bother at the moment. Cant wait for the half term to finish and for him to go back to school. Sounds as if weve all got our problems, mamaoftwo, you are so right! As soon as they start mixing with other kids thats it!
Anyway, think I will spend another exciting day catching up with all the ironing from the weekend and if ive got time a spot of gardening!
Thanks for all the support, it means a lot.xxx
Hi Theresa7
We are all here for you. I don't blame you wishing half-term was over, I often uaed to feel like that!
Does your boy get pocket money? You could link that to a couple of chores or let him earn an "extra" by helping out.
Hope there is not too much ironing, the Louise method is to shake and fold
Ha Ha Louise, I am with you on the shake and fold xxx
Shake and fold here too... And they know where the iron and board is if they don't like it 
Hi Theresa7
As a high school teacher and a form tutor of year 8, i can tell you it is their age. I know this is what they all say and I didn't believe it. But having witnessed my year 8s now as year 9s and the difference in them, it is amazing. I told my boss that if I could not teach a year group it would be them lol. They have to kick off somewhere and unfortunately it's at home. Some days I preferred teaching 150 kids than trying to get my four all ready and kept entertained.
Hello to you,
second time single?? As a school teacher, I think you deserve a medal. I think its much easier to work in a massive ware house, full of fork lift truks and noise for an 8 hour shift than being at home with a child, or in fact, teaching them! I take my hat off to you.
Even tho ive been off for the half term, I find it harder and I am more tired than going to work. Ive had my niece for a few days also, as my son is an only child, he always asks for others to come over and play all the time. I always say yes as I feel a bit guilty that hes on his own.
Ive found this stage of my sons life the most stressful so far, he just doesnt seem to understand English at all. How long is it before they grow out of this stage??? Please, dont let it be too much longer 
.
Anyway, thankfully, its back to school tomorrow. Thanks for all your help and advice, it is much appreciated. x
The good news is that is does eventually get better....."eventually" eek. Life can be hard with a teenager. My youngest is 16 and a half now and I think (touch wood) that he finally turned the corner and became MUCH easier around his 16th birthday. However, it won't be same for everyone and some teens will be relatively co-operative until they are 15 or 16 and THEN start, sometimes even later. So most of us go through a couple of tough years at one time or another.
Do get that book I recommended in my first ever reply to you, it is not dear and it helped me LOADS.
Yes half term is over. Many will say thank goodness, although I know some have had a better time. I agree that childcare is much harder than a job!
Hello Theresa. Welcome along, No you're not alone with thinking as you do. I have an 8 year old, and he is definately getting harder as he gets older. Reading some of your post, and I'm thinking, 'yes that's me too'. I guess as he's 13, he's wanting more independence, which must be hard. Is he sensible at his age? I am trying at 8 years to give a little independence, and boy oh boy, it is hard, (and I'm following him). You are not selfish in what you're saying, I sometimes think the same too. It doesn't make us bad parents, we are only human, and even friends of mine with two parents think the same, so if they are having it tough, then I think we as single ones are brilliant
Please keep posting, as I would love to get to know you better, and others will be along at some point.