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Hi everyone, Although I left my husband last year, I am new here, feeling so alone and had not realised there were any supportgroups. I am desperate as I feel the Court case is almost more battering then having stayed home.
I left the matrimonial home with my 2 children, the children did not want to visit my husband at all, they had witnessed violence between my husband and me and had been punched and kicked as well as mentally abused. They saw him drunk most of the time. When in Court I told what happenend my husband turned around and accused me of being an alcoholic, of factitious illness and that I had been the violent one. The judge decided that yes the parents had been in a violent relationship (as there were police reports as I had been to the police) but as I did not go to the police with the children, I had fabricated it.
I then was accused of factitious illness and parental alienation as the judge had decided that nothing had happened to the children and they did not want to visit. The children went to a visititing centre which at first was not too bad until they just did not want to go and it became a trauma. A paediatrician was asked to investigate and has now proven there is no sign of factitious illness but all of us including my ex-husband also had to be assessed by a psychologist.
She believed my husband, her report is full with "mistakes" and distortions and untruths, has decided he is normal but an unfit parent and he has to do a parenting course for 20 weeks, I however, according to her, have a borderline personality and will have to go treatment, maybe for years or longer. I will have to be reviewed every 6 months and if I show no progress (she has confirmed I have alienated the children rather then him having abused them) I can lose my children to care or to him as he will be progressing and it has been decided he has done nothing.
A section 37 report came out. This was in favour of me. I have now asked if I could take the children on holidays to their native Country and their family and he is doing everything, but everything to stop me from even visiting my own Country. I feel like a prisoner, I am divorced since September but I feel so battered with the System and with what he can get away with.
I did start treatment with what the psychologist had decided for me as I cannot refuse it. Last Monday my solicitor phoned and said the therapist had phoned her and according to him I do need therapy, but because I filled in all the forms he gave me and he checked them, I was too balanced for what I had gone through and he felt I was just coasting instead of working with him. If he writes that in his report, I will lose the children. I will never be able to recover from that. we haven't even started treatment, this was just his assessment, treatment will start in January and he has to produce the report the end of that month, which leaves 3 sessions. How can I turn this around? Thank you so much for just listening.
Thank you for your comment Anna, the reason why I am sent to this psychologist is not to help me deal with the abuse I have had, it is because supposedly because I have alienated the children from wanting to visit their father. It has been established that they have witnessed violence between the parents, but the judge has ruled that there was no abuse towards them so they should be happy to visit. Because the children are not wanting to visit, I have to visit the psychologist because the reason the children do not wish to visit, must be because I alienated them. I will have to be in therapy for this and will be reviewed every 6 months. If I do not show progress I can lose the children to care, or to their father who is now following a parenting course and will soon be assumed fine to parent them.
Hi there Christmas 2012,
Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to One Space. What an awful situation to be in.
I am troubled to hear that the psychologist has stated that you are 'too balanced' considering what you went through with your husband. This seems like a very flippant statement to make after seeing you only once (or twice?)
I wonder if you have made any contact with Women's Aid? Their workers are often really helpful in cases such as yours and their input can be useful when it comes to court hearings. I've posted a link here that you might want to take a look at.
You mention your home country - where are you from originally? I suppose I'm also wondering what kind of support system you have in place in this country; do you have friends and/or family you can talk to about what's going on?
Please let us know how things are going for you and do have a look around the boards - I hope you can gain information and insight from some of the amazing and strong parents who post on the forum.
Mary
Hello Christmas2012
I feel sad that you have had to face this dreaful situation. There is from the "experts" at least an acknowledgement that their Dad is not a perfect parent!
You need to take a step back from the emotions you are experiencing and think about how to turn things to your advantage. This psychologist....tell him you are really serious about working with him and ask what you have to do. Parental alienation is a very hard thing to "prove" and often parents who are accused of it are also alleged to have a personality disorder (what a horrible phrase, it sounds so judgemental, better to think of it as a mental health issue where you can get some support) Because the authorities are so closely involved they have a lot of power......think about how you can bring them round to your way of thinking. Being ultra co-operative would be one way. What do you think?
Thank you Louise, I will try very hard to do that. The psychologist sent me an email this morning to confirm the date of the session, with the question of that I will have to think over the reasons why therapy might be of benefit to me and I can only cry about it as I don't know the reasons.....I am just so trapped.
I agree there is an element of "trapped" about it and that is why you need to see what advantage you can gain, by boxing clever.As for the reasons...well you look very angelic and you say "It has been felt by experts that I need some help, and I willing to do whatever it takes to be a better mum to my wonderful children" 
Good luck!
Thank you Louise 
Hi there from me
Can I also add that one of the reasons you could do with some support from a psychologist is because you have experienced a lot of violence from your ex and psycological abuse too and you want to be able to unravel it all?
Parental alienation and its effects has come more and more to the fore in recent years. I guess that the psychologist will be interested to your reaction to this therapy and that is why the question is asked. Only a very small number of specialists in the Uk can provide a diagnosis of parental alienation, however, and I am thinking that this therapist you are going to work with has been asked to see if he/she thinks you are contributing to the children's reluctance to see dad.
Anna is right though, what about some help for YOU?
thank you Louise, I would love some help otherwise I would not be on here looking for support, I feel very alone in this; via your link I found a book on amazon called "when dad hurts mom" Helping Your children Heal the wounds of witnessing abuse", by Lundy Bancroft
in which it is exactly described how the Courts are reacting and the so called experts. I wish I would have read it before the assessments. It does say that your solicitor should at all times be present with the evaluations, because this so often goes wrong, and if the report is full of "mistakes" you should appeal immediately. I so wish I could have done that, but never was given the option by the barrister. They just said, with all the "mistakes" I will have to follow this, or I lose the children. When I met the second psychologist for treatment, he had not read the evaluation of the first one yet and he did not think I needed to be there. Then he read the papers, in which he is also asked to write a report of my progress.
he did not know what treatment to give and phoned my solicitor. Then I received a phone call of my solicitor, saying he did think I needed treatment but was thinking I was coasting. Now why would he say he did not know how to treat me in my face, then have a talk with my solicitor and then do that? Right thrown back into my lap. Then he wrote me an e-mail suggesting I need to look at the reasons why therapy might be of benefit to me. Unbelievable.
There are articles of Prof Ireland that have been in the news, about all this happening.Still it keeps happening.
Yes I could use real help, with helping my children get through this, and myself, but I am not going to get the help I truly need as they are not willing to look at what really happened.
The money is flowing away with all the Court costs, and the therapy, as because it needs to be a "specialist" that the Court approves and appoints and cannot be NHS. NHS would not treat me unless they truly thought I needed treatment. And the right treatment. No such chance. I will have to follow what the Court appoints and what the Court has decided what has happened, and pay for it all. For maybe years.
I have been very naive believing that solicitors and barristers, when you pay them, will fight your case. They do not fight your case. They all help the judge to move the case forward, not necesarily in the best interest of the children. I have been naive, believing that the psychologist would easily see the things for what they were. I do not know where to turn for help in this system.
Hello Christmas 2012
As you can see I have moved the post so you have your very own thread. This is so that we can give you ongoing support You're right, the system has many flaws and what is most worrying is that it seems it is not just you who is having to "pick" your way through it, but the professionals also!
Have you had any contact with Women's Aid? (click to see) Whilst you would like some support, and need it, with the present situation I would say the first thing is to look at the abuse you have suffered. We also have a Legal Expert you might want to ask about the situation
That book sounds interesting and very helpful.
Have your children had counselling? How old are they?
The thing about losing your children is if you "show no progress" which is them saying if you appear entrenched against him seeing the children....so you MUST seem open to working with them so that they cannot claim this about you. The system stinks and all I can suggest is using it to your own advantage as much as possible.
Thank you Louise, thank you very much. I thought I had spoken with Women's Aid but it was not, it was the Dom. Violence Helpline in L. As soon as the children are back to school I will do .
Thank you Louise, that was very helpful.
Great to hear that the children are on the waiting list for CAMHS I hope they don't have to wait too long.
It sounds as though you are really screwed on and the book you mention is really informative, thank you for sharing it.
I hope that you are able to find a womens aid locally, keep us updated with your progress
Thank you very much for your support Anna, any information is very useful,
thank you
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your response, very kind of you and thank you for your link, I have just read so much about contact orders through your link, I wish I had had this knowledge a year ago, doubt if it would have helped, but it now makes sense what has happened to me in Court. The psychologist has seen me twice but based his knowledge on reading through all the court papers and psychologist assessment of the family (which is all distorted and with a lot of facts untrue) and the forms I had to fill in which were psychometric tests, and as I was also psychometric tested by the first psychologist, in both cases I have scored very low apparently. I do not even know if these tests are legal. In any event his comment are based upon his reading and not by knowing me.
I have a domestic outreach worker, and then a solicitor and barrister who have not been very helpful until my now ex-husband harrassed me in Court and there was actually a witness of that. So far proceedings have cost me around 35.000 pounds.
The children do have a guardian at lithum (Cafcass) and solicitor who have never spoken to them about their wishes as I was to be seen as alienating. The children will have to be going to CAMSH soon. Those are the professionals.
I have made contact with Womens aid before: when I told them it was not safe to go to the visiting centre with the children as we had to park the car 20 minutes walk away and we kept meeting on the street which did not feel safe. I was told I should speak about it with my solicitor.
Thank you for the link Mary, it has already proved very helpful,