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Hello all,
I'm having a tough time now coping with all the practicalities of life as a single mum, plus recently I've been feeling more emotional about the whole thing.
We were married for 30 years, 4 children (11, 16 at home, 21, 25 flown the nest.) He was so horrible when I had cancer last year that it was the very last straw and I kicked him out the day after our 30th wedding anniversary, that was June 2011.
So he's been out of the house for five months, and I've recently been going to the Freedom programme and hoping eventually to be able to be with someone who treats me better.
Money is a terrible worry. I'm not ready to go out to work, one child diagnosed with autism in the last month, not in school. Ex has been giving me child support and some "voluntary spousal maintenance," pending the divorce being finalised. I've been ok so far, but now I have boiler and car bills, MOT coming up in Jan (old car).
He tracked down his "first true love" from senior school and is flying out to Hawaii to spend Christmas with her (!!!). He will be gone 4 weeks, 3 weeks with her. She told him that even though he's travelling 7,000 miles to see her, she won't sleep with him!
Dec 1st he withheld £450 from the amount he has been giving me, which means no Christmas (have already told kids), plus feeling more helpless about bills. The combination of the less money plus trip to Hawaii is really getting me down.
I recently started dating, one guy, two dates, but he lives 60 miles away. I really like him, I can just say anything that's on my mind, so far he's kind and funny and I'm hopeful.
I never, ever expected to get cancer or to initiate a divorce. I never expected to have a child with autism. I'm having counselling + she's really good, but I just am having such a hard, hard time. I feel like I *should* be working, but there is no way I can (trust me.) So that makes me feel like a failure. Starting to date again after being in one relationship for 32 years is stressful.
I really see nothing but stress on the horizon for years and years.
Thank you so much for listening! I am at home with autistic child, so, so isolated.
Anna
Hi Sparklinglime,
Thanks for your kind and prompt reply. I applied for DLA for my son in July, and it was turned down. I have asked for a review, turned down again, and so I am appealing and it is going to tribunal in March 2012 (?). I think the reason it was turned down was not the lack of diagnosis but the fact that he goes to a music club once a week.
I am getting no support from anywhere except CAMHS, he has an appointment there every 8 weeks. I am looking into the Bristol Autism Project at the moment, as before when I looked into it he hadn't been diagnosed yet and for that you need a diagnosis. But he doesn't want to attend any of their activities anyway.
You mentioned specialist services through social services. He's not in school, he's getting nothing apart from CAMHS. Connexions were kind enough to do a home visit (as he could not manage the anxiety of going to them) but then posted him a sample CV a few weeks later and that was the end of them!
My ex and I agreed maintenance between ourselves, so now if I want him to resume the previous amount I will have to go to court to get a maintenance order. I am paying for solicitor, so not sure I will go down that route yet.
Son wants no contact with ex, so the DLA, etc is down to my pushing it on, ex thinks everything is a lie, psychologists lie, he doesn't have autism, etc. (This from a guy with a PhD!) I have no family in this country either.
Thanks so much for listening.
Anna
Hello mumx5inuk
Welcome along!
You have been very brave to end your relationship. I hope you are well now after your cancer treatment. Good for you, doing the Freedom Programme, hope you are getting a lot out of it and it is great to hear that the counselling is helping.
DLA is notoriously difficult to obtain and almost everyone I know of who is on it did not get straight away and had to go through an appeal process to get it. Do persevere. Which child has had the diagnosis, the 11 year old or 16 year old?
Re the maintenance, you do not have to use the court, you can use the Child Support Agency, click here for details
Even if your son does not want to attend activities, you need some support for YOU so do keep in touch with the local support service now you have the diagnosis. Can they help you with your DLA appeal?
Hi Louise,
Thank you so much for your reply. It's my almost-17-year old whowas diagnosed recently. My ex is paying child support but has reduced extra maintenance amount, so I think I need to go to court rather than CSA (he is a high earner, and solicitor says after 30 years and 4 kids that court will order some maintenance.)
Can you suggest anyone or any place that I could get some help in preparing for the DLA tribunal?
Thanks again, Louise.
Anna
Firstly contact the Bristol Autism group, if they cannot help then they will be able to tell you of anyone who can....some cities have specilaist disability advisers
Hello mumx5inuk, I think you are being a bit hard on yourself...You have a lot to cope with,so just take things a bit slower rather than trying to get everything sorted out at once...five months still isn't a long time...I wanted to get things sorted out as quickly as I could, and downsize as I hated being in the MFH...but I've listened to friends' advice and am taking things slower...
Hi Mich, Thank you for your post, I think you are very wise in what you said. It's just hard for me to sort out in my mind what is urgent and what isn't. (What is MFH?) Since I went through cancer treatment, where everything feels completely of control, I seem to want to control everything now. With cancer, I felt completely healthy, but I was being attacked from within.
So with the divorce I developed a Plan about how things would go, and exactly in what order:
1. Divorce paperwork + Open University course
2. Sell house
3. Move
4. Get job
5. Consider dating.
So now things aren't happening the way I planned, and I am just feeling overwhelmed. I feel like "everything is happening at once", I feel like I've just given birth to quadruplets.
Instead of having a controlled life, I now have a DLA tribunal to prepare for (for my autistic son), I've started dating a lovely guy who lives 60 miiles away, had to cancel the Open University course I had hoped to start in Oct 2010, and am panicked about money. Plus can't stop thinking about ex spending 3 weeks in Hawaii over Christmas!! Not to mention Christmas presents are cancelled at our house, but still trying to muster some Christmas spirit...so tree, candles, cards, special food. But I'm not feeling any of it.
Thanks so much for listening!
Anna x
Hello mumx5inuk
I think Mich was talking about the Marital Family Home (MFH)
Yes it is annoying when things don't go to plan, but if you think about it over the course of a year then a lot will have happened and been achieved. That was always my strategy, to do a grand review of the year 
Did you have any counselling support during/after your cancer? I am just thinking that if you are finding it hard to feel, there might be something around having shut your feelings off to some extent in order to cope with the massive amount of stress you have had?
Hi Louise,
Thank you for that reality check. You're right, I've accomplished a massive amount in 2011 and it really helps to remind myself of that now.
Yes, I've had counselling support from the Oncology Centre counselling department.
I can't work out how you identified that I have been finding it hard to feel. Do you mean my consistent attempts to plan the next two years? Rather than follow my gut instincts about what to do next? I do keep myself tightly controlled, never drink alcohol. I feel like if I really felt all the feelings inside, I'd just go to bed with some cannabis and a stack of books and not come out for 6 months. (By the way, haven't smoked cannabis in 30 years, but longing for it now...good thing I don't enjoy drinking or might be going down that path now.)
Thanks for listening, Louise.
Anna x
Hello mumx5inuk
Well you said you weren't feeling any of the Christmas stuff so I was guessing that you were keeping everything pretty battened down. Feelings are scary things.....but if we keep them bottled up too long then we either explode with the pressure of the feelings or we can start to experience a psychological state called dissociation where we do not feel real anymore and that can lead to all sorts of worrying things.
I wonder if you can think of ways to "let out" some of the feelings (alcohol and drugs tend to numb them and that is a way some people use as you have rightly identified and it is better to let them out) One good way is to do something physical, whether that is planned exercise or stomping up and down outside and even screaming if you can find a private place to do this. or you could punch a cushion or throw it round the room (not in front of children though as it models punching and throwing things!) Loud music and singling/dancing is another option. One thing I did sometimes was to choose a sad film, I mean a real weepie and sit and watch it because that made me cry (Ok I was crying about Bambi but it helped reconnect me to my emotions) Another thing you can do is to write down how you are feeling in a journal.
Wow, Louise, what you wrote was really spot on. I can't cry. I've only cried once, really, in the past eighteen months. I've written 300 pages, though. I'm pretty stoic about many things, so not sure if a sad film would make me cry, but I'll give it a try. Definitely had to learn to dissociate during childhood, so that's relevant here.
Thank you for the suggestions.
Anna x
You're welcome, mumx5inuk. This is something a counsellor could help you with, don't know if you would think about going again?
Hi mumx5inuk,
Um, just read through all your posts and replies and my impression is one of a completely amazing woman who is coping extremely well with what, as you say, must be like giving birth to quadruplets! And I'm not being patronising, truly - I'm particularly impressed with your 300 pages of writing - do you do hard copy or on the computer? I've done some, all hidden away on the ethernet, but I just can't seem to focus on it, or fear that someone will see it so I can't express my true feelings. Blimey, that sound so paranoid!
Anyway, how did you get through Christmas? Did your kids at home manage to have a good time in the end? Are your older children in a position to support you with your younger ones?
And what are your plans for getting through New Year's Eve/ Day? I can tell you that I would also have a very, very hard time knowing that my ex was in Hawaii on holiday for a month, whether he was having sex or not! My goodness - BE REALLY, REALLY GOOD TO YOURSELF!!!
And if that nice & funny bloke makes you feel good, go for it - enjoy the relationship for what it is, you deserve some loveliness - in fact, I'm really envious! 
OK, take care
Lucy
XO
Dear Lucy,
What a lovely supportive post from you, thank you! I hope that you are getting through the holidays with your family (ages of kids?.) My writing is on my computer but I got my courage up and have shared it with two friends. Did I read your post right that you can't relax and write freely?
We got through Christmas just fine, I budgeted £50 + food (4 kids) this year compared to ?£750 last year. The kids did not seem to notice all that much, but the youngest is 11 and got a huge expensive present from her father (a deluxe rat cage.)
Sunday I'm going on my fourth date with New Guy, still exciting and fun. But as he doesn't live in Bristol, it's very different from what I'm used to. (Living in the same house with a man who doesn't like me!)
My mind does keep going to my ex in Hawaii and wishing I could be a little mouse and see how it's going. On the one hand, I hope he's finding his "first true love" to be a big disappointment, but on the other hand I hope it's going swimmingly and he'll come back and I can get a good deal out of a quicker divorce.
My main stress at the moment is the fear of reentering the paid job market. I'm not worried about actually having a job, it's the process of getting one that terrifies me. I'm going to have to break it down into tiny steps so that I can begin. Right now I'm too scared to begin. But as the amount my ex is giving me is going down by £450/month Jan 1st, I think that will be enough incentive to get me off my bum!
Let me know if you want to email me about starting your writing project. We should start a group Mothers Writing, where we get together once a month/week and encourage each other.
Look after yourself, Lucy.
All the best,
Anna
Two brilliant posts! 
Hi
What a hard time you're facing.
Does your son receive Disabled Living Allowance? I know he's recently diagnosed, but perhaps a thought? My autistic son does. I am able to claim Carer's allowance for him, and am therefore in receipt of income support. Do you have support from specialist services attached to your social services?
How are you after the cancer? What an awful shock that must have been too, especially if you had no support.
With regards to maintenance. Was this agreed through solicitors?
I'm glad you have found someone who can make you laugh again.
I'm sorry to be asking questions.
Anna and Louise are the parenting specialists on the board, and am sure they will be able to give you some brilliant advice.