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Ok just on here to sound off am afraid 
I have been diagnosed with depression for 5 years now and I am starting to feel trapped in this 'condition'. I seem to just dip in to deep lows with no notice and cant understand it. My doctor is great but all she ever seems to do is increase the anti depressants I am on and its like all they do is drag me further in to a permanent state of reliance (and zap away all my energy). I go through periods of feeling frustrated by taking them so (with docs help) I go through the absolute torture of withdrawing from the pills only to completely come crashing down a month or so later. I feel like nothing is getting better and all the tablets do is keep me in a dependent state - its so frustrating.
I am waiting for CBT and praying this will help but counselling and psychotherapy havent. I just want to be able to enjoy my life more and I do some of the times but then 'bang' I get completely drowned in a black cloud and nothing can drag me out of it. I have tried everything from hypnotherapy to gym sessions to girl nights out (which I hate) but I just stay in a state of 'nothingness' for a week or so. Getting out of bed is a mission (usually drop little legs to school and get straight back in), having a shower or a bath is not achievable, hair doesnt see a comb, food becomes the enemy and just day to day life feels impossible to contend with.
Sometimes I think I am actually going crazy because one day am all fired up do shopping etc and the next am in bed for a week - literally!
Anybody else out there relate to any of this? Is there anything that works for you? I want to reclaim my life now enough is enough - and I am not having my meds increased ever again!
Aw Thanks littlered x Think I have actually forgot what I DO enjoy nowadays to be honest. Before I met my daughters dad I was very outgoing and active but he preferred me to be at home by his side 24/7 and I just got used to staying home and reading and watching tv etc. I split from him 6 years ago and have tried going out and having fun the way I used to but I just dont enjoy it. Even on my good days I prefer to be home with a good book or dvd. Because of this (and the ex) I lost most my friends coz there arent many 25-30 year olds who just like sitting home night after night.
My doctor has done gradual reducing of my meds several times and I have had quite a few different varieties of anti depressants but I am really starting to resent taking them (I have no choice at the moment because the withdrawal is hell).
Your right about the positive thinking though I do try just hard sometimes. More than likely ill feel more positive tomorrow anyway but I just wish i didnt get so down.
Hi littleangel
Depression really is the pits. I have not suffered myself but as a counsellor I have worked with many who have, and one of the troubles is that "depression" is such a generic term and it covers a wide range of presentations so there is not a "cure-all"
I am glad you have got a good GP. CBT is particularly helpful for depression but one thing you could start to do, to help yourself before you start is to try to identify two things: are there any "triggers" you can notice (is there anything which seems to set off a depressive episode?) and, more easily, what are the first signs you noitce in yourself at the beginning of a depressive episode? These things will help your counsellor in the CBT treatment.
Do persist with trying to find a way to improve things, littleangel. LRH has given you some good suggestions and here is a really helpful info sheet from Mind that you can read.
Hi littleangel i do hope that the CBT works and as Louise said it's good to think about triggers, this is probably a bit of a wild card but have you had any blood tests a friend of mine that suffered with depression and like yourself she would go home after dropping off the children and would go back to bed.
This went on for years, anyway last year she met with a new doctor and they did some blood tests turns out that she had some sort of hormone imbalance they gave her medication (some sort of hormone replacement) which has helped enormously with her moods etc.
Just a thought as often in my experience they don't often test to see if anything else is going on, just an offer of counselling or pills, it could be worth talking to your GP to she what they think?
Thanks Sally that is such a good suggestion actually, because I have felt for a long time that something else is going on but my doc seems to blame everything on being stressed and having depression. I have had a lot of blood tests but I dont know if they checked hormone levels they were the routine ones for anaemia, chlolesterol etc so i will ask my doc. About 2 years ago my breasts suddenly started leaking milk but when i went for a test she said I wasnt poregnant and said it could be hormones and if it continued to come back but the leaking stopped so i never followed up. I will definately bring this up on my next appt.
As for triggers I am struggling to find one really, I definately get down when my daughter stays out, but otherwise it can just come on me from nowhere. I will usually just wake up in the wrong mood (i never remember dreams so dont know if a nightmare triggers it) from the moment my eyes open I will know its gonna be 'one of those days'.
Hi littleangel. Sorry to hear about your depression. I was wondering whether instead of dropping your little one to school and going straight back home again to bed, could you perhaps set yourself a task, just by wandering round a shop for 15 minutes or so, increasing it just by a little bit each day. I'm thinking if you change one habit, then maybe go out during the day, just before doing the school run.
Hope you're okay.
Thanks Hazeleyes, it is a good suggestion and I have in the past tried to go to the park which is very close to home and feed ducks and stuff like that but I usually end up crying - sounds funny but it really isnt when your on your own in the street. When I am not going through a depressive episode, like today, I am up and about all the time its just when the depression draws in. Im at a loss really as to why I just suddenly get like that for no apparent reason, luckily though I can still function in my mum role so my daughter doesnt see it I will be up and about whilst she is around and then jump in bed when she goes to bed.
Awww that doesn't sound funny at all littleangel. It's great that you're still able to function for your daughter, I guess you simply don't have any choice in that one! These are the times when it really is awful being on your own, and having absolutely no one to help isn't it?
Have to say as soon as my son goes to bed, I do too. I've never really seen the point in sitting up on my own. The times that I do only reminds me of the fact that I don't have anyone!!! I'd rather get snug in bed and watch tv.
Hi Littleangel
I really sympathise it's horrible. I'm bipolar and the depressive lows are overwhelming. I feel for you! Triggers can be really subtle. Sometimes just a thought can lay me out for weeks. I now jot down my moods, what I was thinking and what has happened that day (or week etc). Getting a journal helps, even if you fill it with pages of rubbish lol. Re-reading it, you can find links to things sometimes. Just keep it well hidden :)
Thanks J67, Thankfully am up again - for now! I say 'up' but I just mean not 'down' I never feel 100% really. I think general mental health is so mis understood in the medical field all they ever want to do is give me more and more pills but then I can barely function as they make me so sleepy. I am hoping the CBT will help and then maybe I can ditch the meds.
I will try the journal idea, not kept a diary in years but when I did i never really wrote thoughts just things I had done in a day so I will try and write some thoughts and see how it goes.
hi littleangel - i don't suffer from depression but i have been finding life difficult to cope with since my ex left about 4 months ago - the best advice i have been given is little steps and one day at a time - so my advice to you would be perhaps look at it that way - if you have a good day then that is one good day - if it is followed by a bad day then so be it - have you asked your doctor about reducing your medication over time. have you thought about doing something that you do enjoy rather than the gym or girls days out - exercise is supposed to really help with depression and low mood - do you like cycling, running, walking - why not focus more on you and what your goals are - not sure if that helps but sending you a positive hug to get you on the right road