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I'm so tired. I've moved in with my parents at the weekend because my stbx turned nasty. The police officer who came round advised that I take my kid and leave. He didn't have to tell me twice.
It was strange because I felt stupid and relieved at the same time. Stupid because stbx didn't hit me he just shouted and swore and gave a very chilling ultimatum. He's done worse over the years but this time even though I was scared I just knew I had to call the police. I was also relieved because the police officer who came round took what I said seriously and told me to trust my instincts I just picked up everything I needed and left.
Stbx tried to talk his way into my parents house. Threatening to get the law on us. It's a really hard one because he is good to our child and I feel guilty that he can't see the little one, but I'm afraid he'll snatch and run. The police were great they gave really good advice. I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow police and solicitor are both advising an injunction. I'm a bit scared because it's just his word against mine what if the courts don't believe me? What if they don't grant an injunction?
All I want is not to be married. For both of us to get a (separate) roof over our heads and parent our child.
I know very naive .......
Congratulations Stressball, you've taken such a massive and important step - I wish you loads of strength and all the support you can get.
I can't advise you on the legal stuff, but I think your desire to co-parent your child SEPARATELY from your ex isn't naive at all - but obviously it'll take a lot of work to get there.
Good luck - look after yourself!
Lucy
Hi stressball
You must be exhausted! You have done the right thing though, and now have the mechanisms in place. Hope you get on Ok with the solicitor, let us know what happens. Don't feel guilty about your little one, your stbx will have enough chance to be a good dad in the future, what matters is that you are safe and he learns that this behaviour will NOT be tolerated.
One day at a time, yes, but you are moving in the right direction
Thanks Hopeful
I can't tell you how good it is to get such nice replies. I've been a bit of a mess the past few days hence the silence. I just sit here and worry about the work that I'm not getting done, trying to explaing to little one why we can't go home.
My solicitor has been great. Thinks the evidence is borderline because no actual violence or explicit threats to harm but is checking with barrister before proceeding. Advice is not to let stbx have access to little one but to direct him to my solicitor. Sol said offer telephone contact or skype but not to give opportunity for a snatch and run senario.
You guys are great I should have joined up years ago
xxxxx
Thanks so much Lucy
I'm feeling much better today. You're right its going to take a lot on both mine and stbx's part to be the best parents we can. I'm just holding onto the hope that he really does have little ones interests at heart.
xxxxxxx
Morning Louise
Yes it's been a tiring few days. I left in a hurry so it feels strange not having my own things around me. The safer neighbourhood team have offered to escort me to the house to pick up some of our stuff but I just can't face it at the moment.
Thanks for the support. I do feel better for taking a stand. Things couldn't go on the way they were.
stressball xxxxx
Hi Stressball,
you are allowed to not get on with work for a little while - you have made a huge change to your situation, so you are adapting to this and things will be a bit mixed up. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a manual saying 'if A happens, do B' etc.
It is already a good sign that you say you are feeling better just for making your decision and carrying it out. You have done so well!!!
For your little one (is it a boy or a girl and how old?) it would probably be a good thing to implement some routines for getting up and going to bed, mealtimes, etc. This will give him/her a sense of security.
Just to repeat myself: you are doing a really good job! xxx
Thanks Hopeful
Yeah I should probably cut myself some slack. The whole situation is a nightmare. I'm so paranoid that's why I haven mentioned my kids gender or age. I just have this fear that stbx will stumble across this site and recognise me from the details in my posts. Is that normal?
He routinely tapes conversations at work without peoples knowledge. He's got myself, family and friends to perjure ourselves for him. He's got pretty nifty IT skills. He'd happily use anything I say in these posts against me.
Little one is beginning to adjust but is angry with both of us. Doesn't see why we don't just 'stop being silly so I can go home'. I say yeah you've got every right to be angry but home has got to be safe for all of us.
xx
stressball, you are free - well done you for calling the police and then taking their advice. As others have said you are in a huge transistional stage right now, so just take it easy and go with the flow of things to come.
It is understandable that you haven't given too much information away here in on the boards, I think you have survived some very traumatic years and you know how to protect yourself.
How long can you stay at your mum and dads? Do they have much room there? You have mentioned that your stbx stopped paying the mortgage, I am wondering if you have more rights to stay in your home than he does?? You could ask our Housing Expert.
I'm back
It's been tough stbx took me to court claiming to be primary carer and wanting residence. (he changed his work pattern from 9-5 to working from home) To cut a long story short. No orders were made. Judge made us promise to keep out of each others way. House is big enough for us to have our own rooms so we are supposed to keep out of each others way.
I didn't go ahead with the injunction. I wanted to see whether this promise to the judge would help with stbx behaviour. So we're back home. It's very tense stbx is still angry. Now that I know what he wants (our child, the house and me out of it). I want to sort out our living arrangements asap.
Once he realised he wasn't going to get sole residence (CAFCASS were nice but not really interested at this stage) he muttered something about 'shared care'. I've read a bit about it and whilst I think he's too high conflict for that sort of arrangement to work I'm willing to explore it. The question is how to get the ball rolling? He's steaming mad because I called the police. I'm angry and making myself ill with worry because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my kid.
We need to talk but every time I try he brings it back to the divorce and how it's all my fault etc. I don't want to leave this with the solicitors. That just escalates things. I'm a bit suspicious of mediation.
Hi stressball, I am so glad to see you back here, but also really very sad to hear that you have moved back in. How did that come about? OK so the judge said that you had to keep out of each others way, but it sounds as though you are still feeling very uncomfortable?
You are choosing not to do certain things for fear of repercussions and that is no way to move forward with this. You want to move forward and you are going to need professional support to do this.
Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? They are there to support women in the similar situation as you are in.
Please feel free to ask our legal expert anything about shared care or anything else that you would like some free advice on.
How is your little one coping/dealing with all of this?
Hi Stressball,
welcome to this site - it's a really good place and Anna, Louise and Sally (the professionals!) will be along shortly with some proper advice, and everyone else with their thoughts and experiences will give you advice, too! Everybody here is really supportive and welcoming!
What a turmoil you have just gone through! But good for you to make the decission to just get out of an unbearable and potentially dangerous situation. You should be proud of yourself for that. And it is good that your parents can just take you in like that, their support is really valuable to you at this time. See, we have a few positives already!
As the police advised you to get an injunction, I would think the court will believe you - you've got the police report as evidence AND when you called the police you were obviously justifiably scared. Obviously I am no expert, but there are links to the legal experts here on the site - one of the others will put them here, I've not worked out how yet!
At the moment I'd suggest take one day at a time. You do not need to feel guilty about him not seeing the little one because that little one would have witnessed any violence or picked up on a bad athmosphere and he/she will be safe from that. Your wish to just be the best parents you can albeit under separate roofs shows that you are a good mum and recognise that a child should have two parents. At the moment this is just not possible, but it doesn't mean that at a later stage this can't happen. Don't be hard on yourself!
Sending you a big hug! x