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Hello I'm a newbie and was told about this site from a dear friend. Firstly it's fab :) . Let me give you a little info about my self....I'm in my late 20's and have two super children. My eldest is 2 and haven't seen her father since she was born due to him being an a***, she never asks for "Daddy" as she has never known him. My youngest, just under 1 still sees her dad, he visits once a month but isn't very intrested in her, we are friendly for her sake and he txts every other day to see how she is, I reply telling him about what's she's done but I never just a reply! He isn't allowed unsupervised visits due to him being unsafe with her (dropped her 3 times), forgets to feed her & doesn't check nappy! he comes to mine & me or a family member sit in room, this has always worked fine. On 1 of his visits he turned up with a mate, I wasn't happy but let them in. I explained after that this should be HIS time with his child, he said that his mates have never met his child and they want to meet her! Obv this won't happen as hes incapable of caring for her alone. To my suprise he turned up again with another mate, I refused his friend entry to my home and reminded my ex these visits are his time to spend quality time with his daughter. He can not just invite people to my family home, sadly he decided to not be a full time dad so if it means his mates can't see her it's not really my problem, after a year what's the sudden intreast in meeting her?
He has plenty of photos, I send his some each week. Proud!!! Hahaha he makes no effort when her, he doesn't even play with her and he's always been like that. I should be grateful that he comes but as he said when she was born, he only comes to get his "money's worth" (meaning CSA) sadly if a parent isn't suitable to look after a child alone yet, mother or father , they have no choice but to be supervised, this was the agreement between is both for our child's safety as that is number 1. Sure it's not the best situation but my house isn't a free for all. My door isn't open to randoms, he may know them but I surly don't and I have another child here to consider aswell. We chose not to go though contact centres as he said he would rather do visits at mine. I live with my partner and he come home from work to find my ex and my ex's mate playing football in Our garden, firstly his mates shouldn't be brought along for visits and secondly I swear visits are to visit and play with your kid not your mates
Yes I totally agree with you keeping the friends away. I just wonder if you could talk to him on his own about it?
Am I right in saying that both children have different dads?
You had a baby with someone who cares not for your child, only to move on and find someone that neglects your second child. He has dropped her three times and forgets to feed her.. Aside from the above I am not surprised you don't allow him to have her alone.
As far as him having his mates round. (is he younger than you)? I would just say supervised isn't for ever it's simply until he can reassure you enough that you feel comfortable with your daughter to have time with him alone.
I would monitor his visits until you feel comfortable that your child will be safe. I really don't think that this should be handled in a controlling way as at the end of the day he is clearly interested in her, he texts you everyday and is prepared to get scrutinised on supervised visits by yourself and your family just to see her. That says a lot and for that I take my hat off to him.
When you feel she is safe, it's time to do what you have to do as a mother an allow him to do why he has to as a father!
(edited by Moderator)
Wow Lilliful, Isn't this group called parenting support?
Your comments seem very judgemental to me and a little rude!
Apologies if this has come across rude. To the point yes, but rude was not my intentions!!:-/
I understand that this is called parenting support and I am supporting emma in findin a way to ease her anxietys and to look at the situation from a different angle, which will hopefully in time create a positive and amicable relationship for the sake of her little one.
I am speaking from expirence as a single mother and no father present I can find positives in some of this mans actions.
Its not always best to nod and agree that's all.. I believe that as a mother we all know deep down what is best for our children we jut need that reassurance.
I do not know the full story and was merely commenting as I saw it.
Xx
Excuse me Lilliful but I was with my first babies father for over 7 years! As you don't know me from at all I don't think your one to judge who fathers my children- as a single mother yourself I think you know things don't always go to plan! I wanted advice on the situation of my ex's mates coming round freely to my house NOTHING ELSE
Please see above.
Hope it works out for you. Best wishes for the future.
Lilliful you are basically saying woman shouldn't have kids by different partners! Ok it's not ideal but no one can prodict the future and your comment was rather foolish, ignorant and nasty! you could be with your partner for years, have a kid then break up, after that should u not love again? What if u love, have another kid then later down the line it doesn't work out again for what ever reason... say like you have a kid 2nd time round and the partner turns out to be abusive?! Think before u speak as you don't know the person OR the situation, maybe u should focus on the matter in hand as nobody is perfect
Let's put it like this- your ex comes to visit your child and turns up with his friend! You explain to your ex that his visits should be for HIM to spend quality time with his child and you do not want him bringing mates with him! A few visits later he turns up again with a mate in tow, clearly paying no attention to your convo before! ......... Now picture this- your ex and a total stranger in YOUR house, you have two young children there who also do not know this man. Would you let strangers into your home when you have children to think about.
No that is certainly not what I'm saying. There are plenty of people that have children by numerous amounts of fathers and are brilliant mothers. Clearly emma is one of them as she is on this site to get advice on how to handle her situation in the best way.
Im not gonna get into a slanging match.
Maybe just concentrate on giving emma some productive advice rather than making this thread about me.
I have clearly been misunderstood. Unfortunately I can't go back and reword what I have written and have therefore apologised for causing offence and wished Emma all the best.
Cant say fairer than that Tinkerbell.
I totally understand that emma. I think the angle I was going for was.. This is the father of your child. He has the same parental responsibilitys in the eyes of the law. He has agreed to supervised visits at your house. This man with parental responsibilitys that you do not trust alone with your little one so you certainly will not trust his friend.
So really the problem is deeper than his friend coming round with him. It's the fact that you are safeguarding your child from his father because of him mistreating her in the past (rightly so)
Down the line if he has your child alone.. These friends which ate strangers to you, will become acquainted with your daughter only not in YOUR home or even in YOUR vacinity. Scary thought for a mother with doubts.
Im just wondering if it would be Easier on you to see what sort of people he is trying to introduce your children too.
I get your point but my only issue is how to stop him thinking he can turn up with his mates to my family home! In the future I'm not worried about his friends seeing our child, I can't stop what happens when our child is in his care and gained trust to care for buba alone. . I just need advice on how to get it though to him that he can't bring mates round my home with out my permission
Ok,
when he arranges his next visit with you. Let him know that your are happy for him to see his little one, but he must come alone. Make it clear that should he come with a friend he will not be able to see her. Tell him you have to set barriers as its unsetteling for your home life.
He has two choices.. Come alone or not at all.
if he decides not to listen and brings a friend along on his next visit.. Simply say 'I'm sorry, you know the agreement' and close the door.
The other option is arranging it through a third party I.e family member or contact centre.
Perhaps I shouldn't have gone round the houses I was just concerned for you in the long run.
No that's fine, I wasn't sure weather to be as harsh as saying "no visit full stop" if it happened again but yourself and others has suggested this so I think this will be my plan of action. I'm hoping he has listened to what I said as I really do not want to stop a visit but my children do not feel at easy with his mates there and of course they are my only concern, no one should feel put out in their own home! Thank you very much this has been a great help
Your welcome and I agree no one should feel put out in there own home.
If he pushes boundaries then just keep reminding him that he has plenty of time to see his friends and that your child needs some one on one time with her daddy. (obviously your in the background though) He will get it in the end..your doing the right thing!!
Chin up sweetie.
Gosh, this was the only thread I did not look at this morning and now I see that there have been some disputes.I hope all parties concerned feel ok about the difference of opinion that has occurred? it looks to me as if you have resolved it but obviously one of the things the moderators do is keep an eye on any disagreements.
We are all in this together and it is important that we support each other. We are all entitled to our views and that it one of the lovely things about the site, as long as we express those with respect 
Hi EmmaMc. Welcome along to One Space. It is a great site, and I'm sorry your first post got off to a bad start. I've not seen that happen here before, and I've been around for a few years. I do hope you come back so we can offer our support. What are you up to for the weekend?
MODERATOR: post deleted
Several posts have been deleted from this thread. No personal and/or confrontational comments will be tolerated, The original dispute was let lie (with edits) because it was seemingly resolved between members. Please see a full copy of our Forum Rules
The Moderator's decision is final and no discussion of the ins and outs of this matter will be tolerated.
Emma Mc, we welcome you posting on this thread again on the original topic or starting a new thread.
Hi EmmaMc, welcome from me, I have been off for a couple of weeks and just catching up with the boards.
Does your ex have one friend that you know, or you have seen, who seems ok? If so, perhaps he could visit with your ex? You seem keen to keep communication and contact working positively, so maybe there would be room for this chap to visit too?
Hello EmmaMc
Welcome to One Space.
It sounds as if your little one's dad is rather proud of his daughter and wants to show her off. I wonder if he also feels a bit pressurised coming in on his own (having already been deemed as not competent to care for her alone at the moment) and feels more confident with a mate? I do think that what you say is right, that it is his quality time with his child, but maybe you could ask him (gently) if he feels a bit intimidated being supervised and ask what would make it a bit easier for him (while still keeping her safe of course) Also could he take some pics of her to have on his phone and that way he could show the photos to any of his mates who are interested?