Jasemine

Well last night didnt go to plan, i was suppose to pick up my son...

 

when i got there my son was standing there, he said he didnt want to come home. i leaned in the house to hold his hand, and my ex's ex ran in from the kitchen and start screaming and shouting 'Get the F off my property, you are tresspassing' then my son father came from hiding behind the door, his family then came out of the living room and started shouting and screaming at me, my son by this time was in tears and so was i. i felt so alone there 8 of them verse me. my son started walking away from me and i couldnt do a thing about it.

 

I always felt uncomfortable with my son's father wife but i just accepted it, but now that they have broken up and my son is still in her care during the day.. i dont see why i should have to accept that, esp when she starts swearing at me. How am i suppose to trust her with my son if she has that little respect for me that she makes a big scene when my son is standing right there.  Do i have the right to stop him staying at her's when my son is with his father, surely he should be with his father not her.

 

I kept saying i didnt want to argue but my son needs to come home, he go backs to school on thursday and we need to get him ready. Long story short after loads of yelling on their part i just couldnt let it go on, with my son being really upset. I got back in the car and drove home and cried for hours.. this is the same thing that happened last year, same time of year in fact.. school holidays are over and he doesnt want to come home.

 

I called the solictor and there was nothing they could do, i didnt tell my ex that though. I just said i didnt want J more upset ( which is true) i felt so helpless and alone.

 

after 1/2 an hour of being at home my ex kept phoning me, i finally answered and he replied 'are you okay?' i can believe the cheeky of him, he puts me through all that and they phones to ask me if i am okay.. it turns out they are going on holiday on thursday for 2 weeks and needs J to come home today. I am glad i am getting him back and get him used to the routine again, but i cant have this happening again, i am getting really weak and the stress is making my M.E worse.

 

although i would hate shared living, i.e half the week with me and half the week with his dad ( or more like his dad's ex wife, since his dad is at work all day) i cant see it working...isnt it going to stress my son out more to be passed back and forth. i know if i dont give in to what my son wants i will lose him all together so i am trying to comprise but i am really scared for my son to be with my ex's ex wife, i hate her so much right now, she completely embarrassed and humliated me in front of my son.. i think my son hates me now as well as they have turned him against me.

 

Sorry for the moan, but my head is all over the place, i am suppose to be working but cant concertrate on anything. I dont know whether to give this shared access a try or not? i just no it cant continue to the way it currently is. Also if it is agreed for the spliit week, surely i dont have to consent to 'her' ( meaning the ex wife) taking care of my son.

 

sorry i am just so angry, upset, confused and desparate...

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 8:46am
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Jasemine that is totally horrendous! I am so sorry to hear what happened, no wonder you were upset, what a nightmare.

You say you phoned the solicitor last September when your son didn't want to come home, and they had said there was nothing to be done. Well, now that you have been abused and threatened then something needs to be done about THAT. Secondly, if your son's dad was still living with this woman then unless she was a danger to your boy then you would just have to put up with her living there too but you say they don't even live together anymore, so that is irrelevant. It is quite one thing for your son to live with his dad, and another matter entirely for him to live with his dad's ex-wife. I really do think you should be in touch with your solicitor again, have an appointment, take a friend with you if you think you will get angry or emotional, to help explain. You should not have to take that sort of treatment.

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 9:21am

Jasemine

Thanks Louise,

The problem is his whole family will deny that they abused and threatened me, they will stick together so i cant do anything as i have no prove, it was me verse them. In fact they said i was emotionally blackmailing my son because when this happened last year he made a promise that he would never refuse to come home and if he did he would not see him dad until we went to court, i reminded him of that and asked him not to force my hand is doing something i didnt want to do. At the time i said that i didnt realise my ex was hiding behind the door, it didnt mean to be said as blackmail, but i was so upset and he promised this wouldnt happen again, so i feel the bad person now.

Apparently i am no longer entitled to legal aid, because i moved and am renting my property out, i cant afford to get a solictor now. they are saying it is a second home although i am renting the first one. Now i am really stuck!

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 9:39am

Bubblegum
DoppleMe

I hope everything is OK for you, your story (can't think of a better word as it's not really a story as it's your life) is very moving.

Take care : )

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 9:40am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I can't find the words here, but am so sorry you were faced with that, along with your son.

Could I please ask a question or two.  You really don't need to reply to any of them.

If your ex has split up with her, why is your son still going there? 

Can it be argued that for your son to go there you are putting him into a place where you are concerened for his safety? She has no 'rights' with regards to your son.  If you are concered for his safety, then you don't let him go.

I know this is so easy for me to type out, as stuff that went on with The Git was a total nightmare for a while.  I am not a strong person, and would sit in tears, not knowing what to do.  The Git's father, however, supported me...

Is your solicitor a specialist in family law?  As this does seem to help.  Finding one who could help me with the things that were difficult took a while, but she was good.  She holds paperwork with my file, which although is inactive, she will bring out at any point.

If you are being threatened too - but I don't know how this stands when you are collecting your son - call the police.  Report the incidents to them.

Are you keeping a record of all that goes on?  With the dates and an account of what happened.

More than anything, I'm sorry your son is going through this.  One thing I did do was keep the school informed, and they were a tremendous source of support too.

 

 

 

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 9:49am

Jasemine

Because my ex works during the day, my son stays with his ex during the day and because my ex is staying at his parents and there is no room for our son he stays at her house. Complicated i know. His brothers and sisters are there and my ex is always over there, i dont know if they are trying to make it work, but when i asked him yesterday he said he is back with her and he doesnt know if they will get back together, of course she is supporting him at the moment because it is against me.

I started writing down things the other day when someone on here recommended it, but i havent wrote about yesterday yet, but i am planning to.

My solictor was good last year, but as i am no longer entiled to legal aid i cant afford to use her. My mom keeps trying to get involved and telling me that i shouldnt be so angry and that i shouldnt involve the solictors as if it goes to court i will probably lose my son as he wants to live with his dad. She probably right, but i am just so angry at the moment, i cant get the imagine of my ex's wife telling me to get off her property.

I have thought about calling the police, but legally they couldnt help me get my son back, and it will just be more upsetting for my son, which i dont want to happen. He is starting school tomorrow where he was bullied for 9 months and he is scared of going back, i have offered for him to go to another school but he wants to stick at it, so i know he is nervous about that and this is the last thing he needs. I am hurting so much but i am trying to hold it together for his sake, but i am so angry. I cant calm myself down.

 

 

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 10:14am

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Jasemine. What an awful nightmare for you. I'm so sorry. It's already been said on here, but your ex's ex has no rights to your son at all. I would indeed be very worried letting my son go to her. Once your son comes home today, hopefully as the weeks pass, he will settle down again. He has been away from you an awful long time, and now faces the prospect of the school bully again. Poor fella must be all over the place at the moment. Loads of hugs

Alison

x

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 11:16am

Jasemine

Thanks guys for your support, just took a nice hot bath and feeling a little better, i phoned up my son's counselor and explained what happened, she recommended getting 'relate family mediation' so she is going to look into it for me and arrange for us Me and My ex and son to attend a session to work out what is best for J and access. she said in her experience split weekly access can work but only if both parents are willing to give it a try and get on and be flexible.

This is the hardest thing i have had ever had to do, but i think it is the only way to ensure my son doesnt come out of this completely scarred.

Despite how upset and angry i feel, i am going to try and put on a front so when my son returns tonight he is in a happy calm postive atmosphere. ( fingers crossed my ex doesnt start on me when he drops him off)

Thanks again for listening.. without judging or telling me to stop moaning, i really appreciate it. I know i am not in the right frame of mind to be offering support  right now and i do feeling like all i have been doing on this site is taking and not giving anything back but i promise when i am in a better place. i will be there to offer my support.

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 11:33am

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Jasemine, we are all here to give you support, you're not on your own. Smile

As for your son's Dad, do you allow him in your house? Once your son is indoors, perhaps you two could have a chat by the car, out of son's earshot. If ex does start, you DON'T have to put up with it. Explain to him that you will continue with the conversation when he is more approachable, and walk away. Really really hope that you and your son will get some peaceful time together tonight.

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 11:40am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

So glad you are feeling more positive, Jasemine, we are here to support you. glad you have found this helpful Laughing

Posted on: September 8, 2010 - 12:50pm

Jasemine

 

 

Well I got my son back.. 45 minutes late might I add… I was a mess waiting for him, I was so scared he wasn’t coming back. But when he turned up I pretended it didn’t bother me and I pretended I was happy and everything was okay. He was very sarcastic the whole evening, and was just being really mean and cruel to me. My mate was there for support and she asked him if he missed me, he replied back ‘yes’ then turned to me and said ‘I am only saying that because someone else is here’. I then bought him a dvd I know he really wanted and was planning to have a nice evening watching it, when I showed him the dvd he replied ‘oh I just saw that today’ I tried so hard not to cry, my mate told him that wasn’t very nice but he just shrugged it off.

 

I then told my son I was going to start a uni course which I was looking forward to and my mate said it was a really good idea, it was Counselling Children and Adolescents level 4, he said I was stupid being a student again and that he didn’t care, within seconds he started texting someone, I didn’t think much of it until that night when I was tucking him in I saw the message which he sent, it was to my ex’s wife, telling her that I was doing a uni psychology course. My mind started racing a hundred miles per hour.. why did he text her and not his dad? Why did he send a text, he didn’t seem interested at all that I was doing it.

 

I always thought that it was his dad that was manipulating him, but now I am starting to think it is the ex wife!!! I feel like a prison in my own home. Has he been told to ‘spy’ on me and report back to her? My friend left and he turned around and said he didn’t want to watch the dvd and that he was going to his room to watch one. I said okay and just called it a night.. I felt so drained.

 

Didn’t sleep at all last night, couldn’t get out of my mind the ex wife screaming at me, and then his attitude and then the text.. I feel like a prisoner, I am having to watch everything I say and do encase he reports it back to her.

 

This morning he woke up at 7 and got ready for school, made his lunch, I offered to help and he shrugged me off. I ask him if he wanted a lift to his mates, but said he would walk. So I end up driving past him to work.. he was so cold, it is nice he was severing all emotional ties with me.

 

I couldn’t be wrong, but something just doesn’t feel right. Is he being manipulated or because I am an analyst, am I over analysing everything? I finally ate some breakfast this morning ( first thing in 2 days) but I am at work and feel sick, still cant concentrate on anything.

 

I want to stop my son from being in her care ( which I think I can as she is my ex’s ex) but will that make matters worse?

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 10:00am

sadsy

If you are abused at any time, call the police. It is never too small a matter and the police recording the event will be to your benefit in the future.

If you ever feel harassed, it only has to happen twice for the police to issue a harassment warning letter to anyone that may have ideas about making your life a misery.

Parental alienation may be taking place. This is child abuse and it must stop.

Your son has something to say, he should not be so cowardly in his approach and come out with it. It sounds as if he is being manipulated and a free speaking session would pop the bubble of hatred that is forming.

It may be that you put your career on hold if it means preventing your son being exposed to negative coaching. He is more important than a course.

You are mum with residence and what you say goes. Simple as that.

hug sy*

*by the way I'm mentally ill, so ignore all of the above

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 11:11am

Pansy

Hi Jasmine,

I really feel for you the whole situation sounds awful to live with, I know a bit about how you feel.

 My 14 yr old daughter is living miles away in Scotland with her Dad, the difference is I sent her there! long story but basically it was because of her behaviour which was very damaging to her sister & brother, it had always been difficult ever since she could walk & talk & she always was closer to her Dad, they are the same kind you see. I do love her very much though & I done it for the good of us all, but she did not want to go, although now she says she is pleased & very happy.

However, my ex's GF has been a nightmare from the start, she has taken much pleasure in stiring things up & has fuelled my daughter's hate of me for sending her there. I have had nasty & abusive texts from the GF throughout the year at various times & if it happens again i won't hesitate to get a harrasment order from the police, as Sadsy said. The GF is very controlling & seems to be taking control of everything! she even thinks she has rights over my daughter & I have been stopped by daughter's school from having reports on daughter. All of this has come about because of allienation of my daughter which i believe has come from the GF fuelling the situation mainly. I am dealing with it at the moment & trying to sort it out, the school thing i mean, but it is hard for me to except that I can't do anything about the allienation from the GF & her Dad.

However, you can! you want your son there & he lives with you & I think you said he does not have parental responsibility in another thread? so at the moment what you say goes. I think as someone had already said it would be good to really concentrate on getting him friends he really likes & things he loves doing near you, it will keep him busy & happy. 

The GF texts my children too! she was doing it with my daughter before she went to live there, everytime daughter got in trouble with me she would phone his GF & spend ages on the phone to her while she listened & sympathised with all my daughter's lies.

Keep us updated, goodluck, hope today goes better for you.

Take Care

Pansy x

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 11:44am

Jasemine

Hi, thanks for your comments.

 

I have just phoned the police and explained what happened and they said it is not counted as abuse or harassment, so I/they can’t do anything about it.

 

:-( i feel so helpless

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 12:31pm

sadsy

Don't be put off because some dumb plod is in a hurry to go to lunch and ditch your call. Next time you get sworn at, call the police again. 

Kick-up a stink with all agencies which may have an interest. Call social services about alienation. Record your conversation with them.

Write to your ex formally explaining your concerns and that you wish for the behaviour to stop. Make sure your laptop copy is backed-up. My ex turned-up with the community police officer to collect a few jumpers and a piano, so I'm sure that if you wished for help you could contact your community officer for support in going to abusive residence.

Domestic violence does not mean being hit, it can be mental or verbal. He is still counted as ex partner for 10 years or more and comes under domestic violence. Better to speak to domestic violence unit at your local station to ask for their advice. Record the call and recount your fears and experiences.

When I contacted the police to get my harassment letter withdrawn, they said even sending flowers is counted as harassment. Don't be fobbed-off. Ask to speak to someone else if you are unhappy with the response. If you feel harassed and there is a pattern, such as same person each time, it is harassment. 

https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm or 

http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1997/40/section/1

Never assume competence.

The meek do not inherit the earth. They die miserably and get forgotten. 
[Sadsy 9 September, 2010]

 

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 1:31pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Jasemine, I think on the other thread Anna asked if you were in touch with Women's Aid. If not then please do get in touch with them. Click here for their website

Posted on: September 9, 2010 - 6:46pm

Jasemine

Hi Guys,

Thank you, will look into it, phoned the 101 number again today and they still say it is not counted as abuse i asked them to log it but they said it wasnt something they would log as it has only happened once, if i then recieved loads of harrassing phone calls after the event then yes it would be. But at the moment it was just her 'protecting her property'

The good news is my childminder/friend has had a word to my son yesterday and told him that his behaviour is disgusting towards me.. when he came home he was alot better, he said school was better then he expected, 2 of the bullies/ ex friends are being nice to him. He said he was nervous about going but it was better then expected. His friend came over last night, and he seem to be in a good mood.

I wont see/hear from the ex for a few weeks as he is now on holiday until the 24th which is good, it means i can get my son back into a routine and back to normal. I need to have a conversation with my son about what happened, but a little scared that it will make matters worse. I also know that i need to discuss shared weekly access, but there will be conditions to it i.e no attutide from my son, me and my ex are on talking terms, his ex butts out.. etc.

I dont want to stop him seeing his dad or siblings, but i dont want him seeing her, but i think that is unavoidable. But at least i will make a point that my son should NOT stay with her overnight. I am sure that will cause a big reaction from my ex and his ex wife, but i am really concerned about my son mentally stability when he is in her care. I dont have any proof she is doing anything but my son goes to her and he is fine, he comes back and he is full of attitude and has no respect. But after a week with me, things go back to normal.. so seems a little odd to me.

Will keep you updated. thanks again for your support

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 8:29am

sadsy

Hug for you Jasemine,

I don't understand the history of the break-up or why the siblings are split. Am confused. Maybe it's on another thread? Since the revamp of the OneSpace site I cannot find a way of tracking someone's posts historically across threads. Still the site looks pretty and the marketing budget gets some justification for it's size. Would rather have a legal advisor on the site than pink boxes. And that's coming from a graphic designer (me).

Hope your day goes well.

sy

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 9:45am

Jasemine

Hi Sadsy,

Sorry it is confusing. i have one son (the one I have been talking about) his dad left me when for 'her' when i was pregant, she already had 3 children, they got married when my son was a year old ( 11 years ago). Since then they have 3 children together. So those 3 children are my son's half siblings. The other 3 are step siblings. Although my son considers them all to be his siblings. He is espically fond of the youngest, she is almost a year old. He was there when she was born ( home delivery) and was the first one to hold her, so i can understand the attachment.

Four months ago my ex broke up with her(the wife) although he still spends all his time there, i am assuming it is because of their 3 children. So ever since my son was little he has been staying with 'her' during holiday's and weekends. His dad works all weekdays and saturday, so my son is in her care most of the time.

Because they were married i just accepted that i couldnt do anything about it, but now that they are broken up he doesnt live there, he (my ex) sleeps at his parents who live on the same road, just a few doors down. But my son has remained in her care during the day and at night.

He has definately bonded with her and is very fond of her, you cant really blame him since she has been like a second mother (i hate saying that) to him since he was 1 year old, so he doesnt know any difference. We were talking yesterday and i ask what he normally does and who he spends time with, he says alot of the time he is with 'her' in the living room while the other children play in their rooms or go outside. They talk alot of just watch dvd/telly together.

That is why if i forbidden him spending time with her, he will resent me for it and will make my life differcult and in the end could take me to court and chose to live with them permanently, hence the reason i dont want to stop ALL contact ( well i do, but it will not work out well, as i am stopping him from seeing someone he is close to and it will only fuel the fire even more).

Very tricky situation i know, the best thing for the situation was if my ex and his ex wife stopped talking then he wouldnt leave my son in her care at all, but at the moment they are sideing together against me.

I agree a legal person on here would be fantastic, as i am struggling to get any good legal advice without paying (which i cant afford to do)

I have decided to seek counseling for myself, as the last few days have really left me in a emotional state. I think they are trying to tip me over the edge to show my son how i am the enemy.

One thing that puzzles me is that my ex hasnt taken me to court over this, or even to get parental repsonsibilities. Maybe he cant afford it? Or maybe like me he really doesnt want to go down that route. He hated me last year when i did get a solictor involved. There are just way to many factors that have an affect of what could/should happen

 

 

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 11:07am

sadsy

hmm - I need to think about this.

Counsellor is good. There is usually a waiting list from GP so get in quick.

Whether in any future court case counselling is regarded as a plus or negative I shall see. I am nearly at that stage with a report coming from my GP and counsellor.

If you were unmarried and your son is 11-ish, your ex will not have automatic parental responsibility. If he married, the new married partner has no rights over your child. All she gets is the empty title "stepmother".

Your son needs to speak without fear of recrimination from you about what he is angry about. Without the information from him you will not fully understand where this anger is coming from.

You are mum, and it is for you to decide your son's "needs" versus his "wants". You are the parent. You gave birth to him. You have sacrificed and cared for him.

I get the feeling your ex is quite a manipulative person.
Legal advice, check with your local Citizens Advice Bureau. You might get lucky and get an advisor who has experience. They are all volunteers and vary enormously.
Why is your son in the care of someone who has no legal responsibility to him? She is legally just a stranger. She has no duty of care for him.
Where does your son sleep during the week? Who takes/picks him up from school?
Sorry, am being counselled myself and it's hard to get these things straight. I feel your parental role has insidiously been undermined over time. Possible because of your kind disposition being taken advantage of.
ow my head. need a paracetamol.
Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 12:19pm

Jasemine

At the moment my son is with me during the week ( i.e going to school etc) but weekends and school holidays he is with his dad ( in other words his ex wife) legally neither of them have any rights but in not as simple as that.

My son is at the age where he has a big say in where he wants to live, and if i fight him on it, he could take me to court, as my solictor said he is entiled to legal cover and he can say where he wants to live. I dont want to lose him all together, so might have to agree for him to spend half the week with me and the other half with them.

My son wants to live with his dad, and he has been saying this for over a year. it isnt his dad he want to live with, he wants to be with his siblings. If she/they didnt have any children this wouldnt not of happened, if i had another child i dont think this would of happened either.

My ex is very intimadating towards me, but is also very clever and can seem like the perfect 'dad' when he wants to be.

But i think alot of the manipulation is coming from the ex wife.

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 12:35pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Jasemine

I don't know if you have thought about this but would your son talk to someone outside the situation? There is clearly a lot of anger there. Relate offer counselling to teens, click here to find one near you. I think it is usually free.

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 1:05pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Another thought...  My oldest, when he was 15 had quite crisis after having gone through so much.  He was offered counselling from an NSPCC counsellor that was based in the school.

I was told it would remain confidential, and my son felt it did help a lot speaking to someone outside the situation.

I do hope things settle down now, while he's not seeing his dad. 

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 1:12pm

Jasemine

My son is seeing a counselor from saucepans, but she is currently on holiday for two weeks and i cant get ahold of her, i have left a message asking her to contact me asap. So just a matter of waiting.

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 2:13pm

sadsy

Hmm, most complex problems usually have fairly simple motivators for wanting or avoiding something. I've made a schoolboy attempt to simplify things.

people:

ex partner
What does he want? How would he get it? What doesn't he want?

ex partner's ex wife
What does she want? How would she get it? What doesn't she want?

son
What does he want? How would he get it? What doesn't he want?

you
What do you want? How do you get it? What don't you want?

 

It's all my poor brain can manage at the moment.

sy

Posted on: September 10, 2010 - 3:51pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That's not schoolboy sadsy, they are some of the questions that a counsellor woud consider. To them I would add, in respect of each person "What benefits do they perceive they get from the way they currently behave?"

Ok I am glad you have a counsellor in place for your son, Jasemine. Just see how it goes while his dad is out of the picture for a couple of weeks

Posted on: September 11, 2010 - 8:03am

Jasemine

An Update!!

My son has been happy these past few days, although this morning it took a turn, he didnt want to go to school as he said he wasnt feeling well. So he is with the childminder, he apparently talked to her and of course she told me...

Apparently his dad told that i wasnt letting him see his dad from the 24th of december to 7th January... this is a complete lie what i said what he was going to be with me on the 24th and 25th and go to his dad on the 25th in the evening.. which is what we normally do..

He also said that it was MY fault he couldnt go on holiday with his dad, as his dad would of lost £3,000 if he added my son to the holiday... again another lie, i phoned up a few different holiday companies and they said under no circumstances would they lose any money for adding someone else on to the holiday, they would have to pay for the extra person, but they would not of lost any deposit or anything they have paid... if they were removing someone then yes they would lose something.

My son also told my childminder, that my ex and his wife are going to get back together so that i cant stop my son from seeing 'her'

He also said that my ex's wife told him that next time they go on holiday he could come despite what i would say.

His dad also told him that he hates me and if it wasnt for our son he would have nothing to do with me..  i feel the same way but i wouldnt say that to our son.

How on earth am i suppose to tell my son that his dad/wife is lying to him without it becoming a tit for tat. I have never bad mouthed his dad or wife to him, but it seems they are bad mouthing me.

No wonder my son is so confused..

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 11:09am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Poor lad! No wonder he is in such turmoil. And poor you, too, dealing with the fallout.

My suggestion is that you split these "statements" into two parts. The stuff about the holidays and Christmas, why don't you ask your childminder to talk to him about those, he clearly likes and trusts her. But the stuff about his dad hating you, and wanting nothing to so with you.....I think that needs some input from you, AFTER the other stuff has been sorted out by the childminder.

You could say something like "it is very hard when parents split up. Sometimes parents can end up hating each other and then they say nasty things about each other, even things that are not true. I don't like your dad these days but I will not say nasty things to you about him because it is not fair on you. I want to be a good person and not to be horrible to anyone, I know your dad and his partner get very cross towards me sometimes, but you are not to worry, you can just ignore it, it is not your fault. I love you and always want you to be happy"

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 12:19pm

Pansy

If i were you, i would ask the child minder to make notes on what he said time, date etc for you to keep. you may need it one day. what your ex & his wife have done is ailenation (have i spelt that right?) & is classed as abuse & you now have proof because he told his child minder.

I am glad he has settled down Jasmine. It is very hard when our ex's are telling lies about us, mine does it alot & i think it is having more of an effect on me than i thought. Trouble is my 14 yr old who lives with him does it too, so i don't stand a chance.

goodluck x

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 3:06pm

Jasemine

Thanks guys, i will ask her and see if she is happy to do it. At the end of the day although she is my friend, she is not bias, she is only looking after my son welfare. if i did something she didnt agree with she would tell me.

but she does think that the wife is manipulating him, as she notices how different he is when he comes back from being at theirs.

 

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 3:12pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Awww Jasemine, I do hope your friend can help here.

It is such a difficult place to be.

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 3:16pm

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Jasemine, it's good that your son has spoken to the childminder/friend. At least he opens up to her, so you now have more of an idea what is going on, although you more or less knew. Thinking of you.

x

Posted on: September 13, 2010 - 8:55pm

Jasemine

Update

Hi Guys,

Well things have moved on.. since speaking to my childminder, my son has decided he wants to keep things the way they are.. i.e week with me, weekend and holidays with his dad. When he told me i was so happy but pretended not to react.

My only concern now is that when his dad gets back from holiday, he is going to think i manipulated him into staying.. when actually i never said a word. I think he will kick off about it or try and change J's mind ( like he normally does)

But for now all is well...

My son is also happy for me to do this course, it turns out it was never the course topic he was annoyed about, it was the fact he couldnt understand why i would want to become a student again at my age.. as he hates school. lol So i am now offically studying child and Adolescence counseling NVQ Level 4. I am excited and nervous at the same time as it has been awhile since i have studied.

He also told the counselor (i was in the room) that the reason he is so nasty to me when he comes back is because he feels angry. He doesnt know why but then after talking to him he admitted when he is with me he is his own person, but when he goes to his dad he feels he gets lost with all the other children around and its very hetic. So when he comes back it is a culture shock. So i agreed that when he comes back i leave him to himself for the first hour to let him calm down and get back to the normal routine.

He also said he would like to spend xmas day with me and go to his dad in the evening, so i typed up a letter and sent it to his dads.

He got his first homework assignment set yesterday and he is already getting grumping about doing that, so i am just going to have to let him get on with it and not get involved. it just hard as i know he is a bright child and cant get good grades, and i hate it when he hands in something late or gets a bad grade, i feel that it reflects on me. But i am going to try and let go...

We are not over the hill yet, but i do think we have hit the top and are coming back down ( if that makes sense)

 

 

Posted on: September 15, 2010 - 9:57am

Pansy

sounds promising. thank goodness your son has the councellor as at least you don't have to tackle issues on your own & you have someone who is in the KNOW about what is happening at his Dad's too.

It certainly sounds like they have influenced him, as clearly he settles once back with you. hope it continues to improve & you don't get any trouble from his Dad. goodluck.

pansy x

Posted on: September 15, 2010 - 10:11am

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Jasemine. Good to hear that you and your son are back on an even keel. You're doing brilliantly. Smile

x

Posted on: September 15, 2010 - 11:01am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That's real progress, Jasemine, well done. I expect you feel some relief and as if there is going to be some light at the end of the tunnel. Hope things will continue to improve for both of you.

Posted on: September 15, 2010 - 11:05am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm glad you feel you've got somewhere.

I sometimes try to work out how the children feel about things, but its easier not to...

Hope you're able to enjoy things - at least for a while.

Posted on: September 15, 2010 - 11:56am

HelenT

Hi Jasemine,

So pleased to hear that things are improving. It wonderful that your son was able to articluate to you and his counsellour how he feels.

Your course sounds brilliant! How are you finding it?

HelenT

Posted on: October 1, 2010 - 8:35pm