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Hi all,
I'm wondering if anyone else has the same problem: I told my soon-to-be ex that I wanted to end our relationship 3 weeks ago, and although it's hard at times (we still live together with our young son), were are still on good terms.
I told my mother about this, and while she was understanding at first, she has now turned on me and tells me how I'm ruining my life, my son's life, that without a man I will be nothing and that I'm basically taking a massive gamble. I'm 30, I would think that's young enough to start over. Obviously not!
Has anyome had a similar reaction from relatives? I can't imagine how bad things are going to be when we announce the break-up to my in-laws and their (very large) family.
My ex and I can cope (we still plan to spend week-ends and holidays together) but what can we do when others interfere?
The problem is my mother doesn't really know much about my life: she lives in another country and sees my twice a year, at most. She doesn't know here I work, in which city, or even what I do. But she assumes I don't earn enough to support myself. I work full time, earn a decent wage, in fact I earn the same as my ex. Is this some kind of complex women of another generation have? That without a man we're nothing? I find it a bit of an insult to be honest. I have tons of friends who have been single for ages and still manage to work, and rent or buy their own place.
My mum separated from my father and because she had a rough time, she assumes I will too. She forgets that she never divorced my dad and therefore, was never entiled to any support or benefits. My dad never supported her either, in any shape or form. She told me I would end up living in a dump surrounded by low lifes. Cheers mum, just the support I need!
Awaiting your comments!
Carlotta x
Hi Anna,
Many thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it :-)
It's true that things are much more convenient - and affordable - when there's 2 of you. That is partly why we're still living together. We've worked hard to get our beautiful house, so why give it up so quickly?Unfortunately a comfy house doesn't sound like a good enough reason to stay together in the long run. If there is no love, no respect, no affection and no more 'physical stuff', how long can we sustain this arrangement? We all have needs and at some point, one of us will end up meeting someone and/or having an affair. Then things will be a lot more awkward and messy.
Neither of us want to stoop to that level so as you say, we are 'getting along'. Ironically, we get along much better now that everything is in the open. We want to behave like sensible, intelligent adults, not people out of the Jeremy Kyle Show :-)! It just seems like the best things to do, for now. Although in other ways, it's harder: we carry on pretending everything is normal. We manage to do this because we have a long history and we achieved a lot together.
As for saving our relationship, I don't see that happening. For me, the spark is gone. I tried to push my feelings and my hurt in the back of my head for so many years but now I can't lie anymore. Not to my ex, and certainly not to myself.
I just wish my mum would see my as the adult woman that I am, not the naive little girl who left home all those years ago. She doesn't know what I do, where I work, or even in what city I work. I feel like my only validation in her eyes, is my relationship. And that's a real shame.
My mum also told me how hard things would be as things were hard for her - it wasn't my choice to split but i had told her i wasn't happy and she kept saying i had to think very hard about things because of how hard life was going to be - if you know your own mind and feelings i wouldn't worry too much - i am sure she wants what is best for you - sometimes we just have to smile and move on
Hi littleredhen,
You're absolutely right. I know in my heart and my mind that I'm doing the right thing, even if the next few months are going to be hell. Life is hard sometimes, but it's also a gift, so I'll just try to keep calm and carry on :-)
I guess she's doing what mums do: worrying about me and thinking that life would be better if I just ignored my problems and hoped for the best. I think she believes I made my mind up overnight, which is not the case, it's actually taken me over 6 years! There's so much she doesn't know, I never said anything as I didn't want her to worry. Guess I'm doing what mums do too! :-)
good luck on your journey Carlotta - keep posting
Hello Carlotta
I haven't got much to add to what Anna said, but I wanted to welcome you. Also it is hard for mums to see us grown up and taking adult decisions, it is the way of the world. I have never forgotten supporting a young woman of about 20 who had a four year old son and a very "involved" mother. The mother always insisted on going to the doctor's with the young mum and even going into the consultation with her. I was working with her to develop assertive skills for dealing with her mum, and she started to talk about her son and she said "He needn't think he is going to go on holiday with his friends until he is at least 21"
It sounds to me as if you and your partner have been very sensible and reasonable in the discussions and decision and you need to go with what the two of you feel is right and not worry about the opinion of your mum which, let's face it, is based on lack of knowledge.
Have you thought about how you would share the care of your son if you were in different households?
Hi Carlotta, I was wondering whether you would consider a weekend away with your mum, just the two of you, so you can get to know each other again?
Hi Carlotta, welcome to One Space
Your mum probably just wants to see you happy and believes from her own experiences that whilst you are with your soon-to-be ex you are secure and safe, whereas if you step out on your own you are cast adrift where all sorts of catastrophes can occur.
It is harder on your own, however you have to be honest with yourself and your partner, you don't want to be living a lie.
Are you sure this is the end of your relationship? it sounds as though you get on very well?