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Hi everyone..
First time here, I've checked the forums but can't find any guidance. At this moment in time I've very angry.
To start with I'll outline the situation. I'm the partner to a woman with 2 children m17, f13 though at this stage we do not live together. Her ex returned from working abroad (been over seas for 3 years, returning to UK for 6 weeks per year) to the UK at the beginning of the year and at Easter got married. He's been good and has had the kids most every other weekend, though they tell us they watch TV most of the time whilst there, with a little indirect contact between visits. Now however he's dropped the bombshell that he and his new wife are going 'Travelling' for 3 months over the winter, we could understand being away for work reasons but this.
My partner has tried to explain that the effect, to her ex, that going away will have on the f13 as she's a handfull at times and causes a lot of stress between her and her mum (my partner). My ex works from 7am to 2pm weekdays, she is strong but in my opinion she needs a regular break with something to look forward to. All our plans to get away have been scupped now thanks to this very inconsiderate ex.. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had asked us, but it seems his plans , flights hotels etc have been booked many months ago.
He know longer seems to contact my ex directly, things like this traveling trip come firstly through the children to us.
Has anyone any experience as to how to handle this situation and reason with people like her ex who just seem to be able to up and go with little consideration. All she gets when she trys to approach it is fob offs, grunt and I don't know answers.
Hi dazzlera145, welcome to One Space.
I can hear your frustration. You are asking for guidance on how to handle the situation and how to reason with someone who has already made their decision.
It sounds as though his plans are set in stone, so there is little you can do about him going, all you can do is work out how to make it a positive experience for the children.
So currently the children have been told, what do they think about it? Are they happy for him, uninterested or upset that they will not to see him for 3 months?
They are old enough to sit down and discuss what sort of contact they would like whilst he is away. Skype once a week? Phonecall fortnightly? Postcards from every town? There is no right or wrong answer, just what would make them happiest with this situation and then you can encourage them to tell their father.
As sparklinglime says there is little you can do to control another adult or reason with someone who has already made up their minds.
Showing the children that it is an exciting opportunity for their dad to go off travelling would be far more beneficial to them than them thinking that he is deserting them. They are old enough to understand that.
Hello dazzlera145
You are very welcome here. I agree with both the posters above and would also like to say that if your partner is having some problems with her teen, this is something we can support her with. I was doing some research recently and one of the findings was that the age for most problematic parent-teen relationships is 13, I was quite surprised by that, but maybe that would reassure your partner.
Your partner can register to be able to post and seek some suggestions (as you have done) and I can also strongly recommend this book (click) to both of you, when dealing with teens. Your partner's daughter needs her mum to be extra strong if she has difficult feelings because of her dad going away and it is great that she has you by her side to help.
Hi
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. And I do understand how frustrating it is for you seeing this happen, knowing how it will affect your plans.
Unfortunately, there isn't much she can do. There isn't anything that can be done to make a parent prioritise their children, and as cold as it sounds the parent with the children has to deal with it.
It is difficult too when the arrangements are made through the children.
Are their grandparents who would be able to help with childcare if you want to go away?
When the children were staying with their Dad and I had plans, I always had a plan B, which meant I could take the children with me, or on one ocassion when I went to see Will Young, Plan B was taking the children to stay with my ex-in-laws (who were my rock). If he had an idea I was off out, he'd cancel at literally the last minute.
They've not stayed with him since 2007, so Plan B had to become normality.
I'm sorry that I can't give a better reply. From experience, this can put extra pressure on your partner as she will feel that she's also letting you down now this has happened.
I used to let my lot know how lucky I was to have all the extra time with them. I like to think they believed me.