Every day is a good day

Hope I feel as good as he seems to be at 50...  Seeing I'm a bit of a write off at 48!!

HOW TO START
A

FIGHT

 

One year, I   decided to buy my

mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas

gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a

gift.

When she asked me why, I

replied,   "Well, you still haven't used the gift

I   bought you last

year!"

And that's how the fight

started.....
 ________________________________

My wife and I   were watching Who

Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I

turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have   Sex?'

'No,'

she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final

answer?'

She didn't even look at me this

time, simply   saying,

'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone

a   friend."

And

that's when the fight

started...
 ________________________________

I took my wife   to a

restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my

order   first.

"I'll

have the rump steak, rare,   please."

He   said, "Aren't you worried about the mad

cow?"

"Nah,

she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight

started.....
 ________________________________

My

wife and I   were sitting at a table at her high

school reunion, and she   kept staring at a drunken man

swigging his drink
as he sat alone at a nearby

table.

I asked her, "Do you know

him?"

"Yes", she

sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I

understand he   took to drinking right after

we   split up those many years ago,

and I hear he
hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" I said, "Who

would   think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight

started...
 ________________________________

When

our lawn   mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to

me   that I should get it fixed.  But,

somehow I
always had something else to take   care of first, the shed, the boat, making

beer..
Always something more   important

to me. Finally she thought of a clever   way to make her

point.

When I arrived home one day, I found

her seated   in the tall grass,

busily   snipping away with a tiny pair

of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for   a short time and then went into the house..

I   was gone only a minute,

and
when I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish   cutting the grass, you might as well sweep

the   driveway."

The

doctors say I will walk again, but I will   always have a

limp.
 ________________________________

My wife sat   down next to me as

I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on

TV?"

I

said,   "Dust."

And

then the fight started... 
 ________________________________

Saturday   morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and   slipped quietly into the

garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the  van, and   proceeded to back out into a

torrential   downpour. The wind was blowing

50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage,

turned on the   radio, and discovered that

the   weather would be bad all day. I

went back into
the house, quietly   undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I

cuddled   up to my wife's back, now with

a   different anticipation, and

whispered, "The   weather

out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5

years replied, "And,   can you believe my

stupid husband   is out fishing in

that?"

And that's how the fight

started...
 ________________________________

My wife was   hinting about what

she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny that goes   from 0 to

150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a

bathroom scale.

And then the fight

started......
 ________________________________

After   retiring, I went

to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for

my   driver's License to verify my

age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I

had left   my wallet at

home.

I told the woman that I was very

sorry, but I   would have to go home and come

back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your

shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver   hair.

She

said, 'That silver hair on your chest is   proof enough for me' and she   processed my Social Security

application..

When I got home, I excitedly

told my wife about   my

experience at the Social Security

office...

She said, 'You should have

dropped your pants.   You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight

started...
 ________________________________

My wife was   standing nude,

looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy

with what she saw and said to   me,

"I

feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your

eyesight's damn near   perfect."

And

then the fight started........