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On for a rant again, apologies.
As I shall be going to court soon to battle my ex over access to my daughter he has decided that because he is obviously not a candidate for father of the year that he has no other choice but to instead try to attack my credibility as a mother.
So he has brought up the anxiety, depression and the fact I smoke too much (despite the fact he excessively smokes cannabis and uses recreational drugs at the weekend) Now his latest dig is to focus on the fact that when my daughter was born I didnt bond with her until she was about two weeks old. I was also very vocal throughout my pregnancy that I didnt want her and even went to the doctors when I was 7 moths pregnant and threatened to throw myself down the stairs if they didnt remove the baby from me.
This is by far the lowest blow he could have thrown because this was the hardest thing I have ever had to face up to and I never told family or friends about these feelings (although now I wish I had because all he ever did was try to make me feel like the worst mother ever). I spent a long time feeling ashamed and guilty because of my thoughts, particularly whilst pregnant, towards my unborn baby.
Dont get me wrong I never hurt her, I fed her, washed her, changed her and everything but what I didnt do was kiss her or hold her just for cuddles. For those first two weeks I did feel like I could love her. I even tried to leave her in a doctors surgery (but a well meaning receptionist ran after me thinking I had absent mindedly left her by mistake.)
When I left that beast I went for counselling about this because he constantly used it to make me feel like an awful mum and through counselling I was able to realise I WAS being a good mum. I was her sole carer he never once helped. The reason my mind refused to bond with her was because of him. It was my minds way of trying to keep her safe. I didnt want to get too close to her so I could let her go because I didnt want her to have to suffer in the mess I had got myself in to with him. It didnt last long because she really was so beautiful and precious I couldnt help but fall in love with her.
It just angers me so much that now he gets to use this as a way to make himself look good when he was the one who got me in to that state in the first place. He is broadcasting my deepest secret in a way that will probably hurt his own daughter. I am so angry at him for this I really am. How dare he????!!!!!
Hi littleangel, I absolutely agree with hazeleyes. All those emotions that you felt after being in an abusive relationship are normal. I didn't bond with mine either. I did all those things you should do, clean, feed, change etc, but I didn't feel IT, I think I was emotionally broken, I felt that I was bringing up 'his' child, I didn't feel connected to her at all. I didn't feel any ownership over her and if I am completely honest it probably took about 3 years, before I changed that.
Your ex is trying to get at you..........AND ITS WORKING.
Forgive yourself for the past, you were in a bad place, but you know you are a good mum, you know you love your daughter, you know you would do anything to protect her, you know that you had down days, but you have taken action to deal with these.
Easier said than done, but can you try and laugh it off? How desperate he is to try and use these things against you?
Have you read a statement from him saying all this, or is it word of mouth?
Hi guys,
Thanks for the reassurance. I have never been in a court before so I have no clue how they work all I know is what he told me when he took his sons mum through the court (and she subsequently lost!).
Anna I try to laugh it off but I am so anxious about everything its hard he has made me so paranoid about everything. It is only word of mouth it has been spread through people he knows but I wouldnt put it passed him trying to use it in court. I just cant believe he is telling everyone wat I went through because I have never told anyone and its embarressing for me (I know it shouldnt be) I feel embaressed when people start asking me if I really left her in a doctors surgery etc.
Thinking about it I reckon he is just trying to get my anxiety levels to the max so that I give up trying to fight him (that wont happen!). Im just gonna keep trying to block him and his chums out before he gives me a nervous breakdown!
Hi littleangel, just to add that the court used for family matters are not big scary crown court sort of places, they are like headmaster's studies. Also in any dispute you would have your solicitor with you (and even a barrister if neccessary) Have faith in your parenting and don't let him get to you.
I can imagine how upsetting it is everyone knowing your business, however perhaps you now have to turn things around. If anyone asks you a question about you leaving your child in the surgery or any other incidents, just say 'I don't know what you are talking about'. This is not a lie as such, it is more saying, I do not know why you are asking me this.
You are currently worrying about something that is not a definate, it is all word of mouth. If I were you, easier said than done, keep your head down and get on with your life. His strategy of trying to get to you is working.
How often do you hear from him or about him from others?
Hi littleangel. I cannot see how any of the above would go against you in court. It's his way of getting back at you, and he's clutching at straws. Don't worry about it, and don't let him even see an inkling that you're worrying.
Not everyone bonds with their babies at first. The main thing is, you're a good Mum, you know it, your family know it, and more importantly your daughter knows it.