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Hi admin and members,
I wrote to you in the past seeking some advice from other parents. Basically, my son (he is 7) and I had fled my marital home in 2009 as a result of domestic violence and child protection issues. We were referred to the woman's aid by my son's health visitor. Anyway, my ex' visa had run out and in order to stay here he has now after 4 years of separation sought legal action accusing me of abducting his child and for not him not having had access.
My first court hearing will be on 15th and I will be representing myself. I am very nervous and I have never been in a court before. I would appreciate if anyone who have been in a similar position could give me some advice please. I would appreciate if people who had a negative experience DONT share it here with me please. I don't mean to be rude but I am just worried that hearing about negative experiences/negative outcome will make me more anxious. I want to stay strong and not anxious - especially as I would be representing myself so I need to be emotionally stable in order to defend my case well. So please don't take this the wrong way but I would like to only have advice from people who could provide me with some encouraging, re-assuring advice please.
THE DANGER/REASON FOR NOT WANTING MY EX TO HAVE ACCESS
* The negelct my son had endured was so severe that he was under-developed at the age of 4: He couldn't talk or walk
* My son does not want anything to do with him as he remembers how his dad locked him inside the room through-out the day and keeps saying he does not want to have anything to do with someone who made him feel so unloved
* My ex sexually abused my younger sister from the age of 9 and also molested a cousin of mine who was around 10-11 at that time.
* My ex' "addiction" to pornography which was one of the main contributinng factor to the negelect
* My ex used to abuse me psychologically using my son such if he was mad with me then he would not let my son come near me, he wouldn't let me speak to me when I called from work and he would say horrible things about me to my son in my presence
* He also warned me that if I leave him he would find me and take my son to his own village back home and that I would never get to see him and that he would kill me
* It took me very long time to help my son overcome his trauma and support him to be the healthy child he is now. I am concerned that him starting to have contact with his father could affect him once again.
* My son's father who has not really shown interest or been in contact for all these years have now applied for a court order stating that I have abducted his child and wants contact. Before I heard from court I had been repeatedly contacted by my family who is also my e' family informing me that my ex has asked them if they could see if I could provide him my passport details in order for him to remain in the UK as his visa has come to an end. I refused to provide my passport details. It is since then, he has sought legal action and I therefore assume that he wants contact now in order to appeal for his visa and stay in UK.
PROBLEM WITH EVIDENCE:
* The health visitor told me that once both my son and I will be out of the house and safe police and social services would be involved so they could take my e' laptop to see i there was any child pornography there. I had hoped they would also e able to see how he has been watching porn from morning to evening in my child's presence. However, when I later contacted social services to follow-up they informed me that because my son was no longer at risk as he was now removed from that environment they had closed the case. This means I do not have any evidence to provide.
It would really help if people who have been in this position could give some example one questions which would be asked, especially the tricky one so I can feel more prepared (When I get nervous I struggle to think straight and not good in providing a good response so knowing what type of questions might be asked could really help me to think about it and prepare myself)
Many thanks in advance for your time and help.
Hi rudimentary mary,
HThank you for getting back to me.
I have already tried to contact , the woman's aid, my son's previous health visitor and my son's previous school but they there have not been any successful. The health visitor and woman's aid did not get back to. I have left voice messages. I have also written to her but no reply. The school says that they don't have his records any longer which sounds strange as they suppose to keep all records until 5 years. But I will certainly keep trying.
Hi Jas, So sorry to hear you are going through all this.
We are all here to support you through this.
Womens aid have a drop in service, you do not need an appointment, just walked in when you feel like it, they are very accomadating.
anyways good luck with it all xx
Hi Shoked mum,
Thank you for your warm and supportive words.
Please could you advice me of any tricky questions they ask in the hearing and how you defended so he your ex didn't get access?
I am terrified mine will get access especially when I dont have evidence to back-up my points
hi well my ex isnt allowed access,well last hearin in august, there are many risk factors surrundin my my ex, cafcass recomends no contact or indirect contact,thing is i didnt av to go in court twice, my solicter did all my work for me, i ad private room booked so didnt av to see him,z
I can't afford to pay for a solicitor so I will be representing myself. This mean I have to see him.
Thank you for your time any way
Still go to womens aid they can advice you.
write that letter for you.
Personally I would make clear his imigrations status and the timing of this application.
There really are no tricks to this you just state the truth and nothing but the truth and stand your ground.
That is it really.
Don't even worry, fact finding and proving your concerns is the job of the court and the people they ask to write up these reports.
The only thing I can advice you on is make sure you are in contact with those people doing the reports and don't expect them to do there jobs properly they can make mistakes or be lazy. If you have concerns state them and that you want them checked out. It happened to me were they was so incorrect i disproved them with a letter from there own head office 2 years prior lol
So i had a whole file ready for the lady that made the reports a list of numbers friends, family, school, g.p. school nurse.
You provide them with the resources to do there job.
They are the one that will give recomendation to court.
and from there is where the court will take it.
I can't say more then that.
I am not a solictor and just another person.
But good luck and you have my support
Thank you for the advice provided. Please pray for me tomorrow and send me positive vibes
hi hun good luck for today b strongx
Hi JasV, wishing you lots of One Space empowerment today, it will be tough, stand proud, stand strong.
You are doing this because you love and protect your son, I am sure this will come across.
Let us know how it goes.
Sending you my prayers and good vibes for today.
Good luck hun xxx
I had a really hard think.
On if there is something else i could advice you on
and there is.
Since you are representing yourself, the difference I noticed between a solicitor and representing yourself.
Which realy is the wording of things.
For example when you are in court you CAN NOT be saying things like, "making sure he does not get access". I dont want him near my child,
If you come out with this straight away, these things are warning signals to judges, they see this all the time and probably are thinking "oh here we go again another parental feuds"
Do you get what I am saying?
Solicitors help you to articulate yourself better. which why i emphasise so much on here to articulate yourself and state your case.
For example what i wrote to the court when the ex tried to get residency by making false claims, i was really good with my family support worker and she and the head teacher looked at the court order with the section 37 and there reasons for it they said the social worker did not do her job she had not investigated properly and if she would have looked she would have known he lied. The judges went of that lie by the advice of the ss worker so my family support worker got me senior social workers notes on my case, supervisiors notes. On every point the social worker made my family support work got prove it was incorrect and i got some proof from women aids on other points blatenly showing the other social worker lied or just did not do her job properly which this kind of info i should have never seen as it is private and yet she still gave it to me to give to the judge lol. some social workers are good. I tell yah.
So now I have shown i am a credible source and judged unfairly in this court order.
So I wrote a letter to the judge with that information the day before they would put care procedings on my child to show them how incompetent social workers have been here. I also explain my late respondse You can't give em an angle to slaughter you in. Especially when they have been WRONG!
I waited that long because I knew they would have hearing on my child the following day and i just wanted ss to be red in the face really. lol
What I said in that letter to the judge where i attached that info here is a snippet of it.
"I am writing this now as I feel it is like I have not been able to present my side of this case." (i said this because it was very one sided court order and full of lies and I proved it indeed were nothing but lies and i could not defend myself as the applicant filed on a old adress)
"I feel that I have not disclosed to the court significant details which ARE RELEVANT to the childs safety." (making them want to lissen to me without accusing or being angry with them and showing them my only concern is the childs welfare as I am a very relevant source) and then I said
"I feel it is of Paramount importance that i get that oppertunity".
(So now i have established a platform to speak on and they was very eager to lissen yes indeed it were of paramount lol)
Its a refernce to the welfare check list, where the welfare of the child is of paramount, when they nearly put her in harms way oh the irony!
Then well They had already character assinated me so, I did not go in there being negative towards him and very mindfull of my steps not to come over to which they preconceived.
I envasised that Every child neeeeeeeeeeeeds a father and a mother.
And every Mother would Indeed hope for such.
Including myself.
I would WISH for my child to have a healthy meaningful relationship with her father however I would like for it to be in a environment free from domestic abuse.
and Now you have platform to slaughter him on.
and every concern you raise from then on they will have to investigate.
Because they can clearly see you are doing this for the welfare of your child.
and no ulterior motives, because the respondent and the applicant have the same goal which is for the child to have a healthy relationship with both parents.
Your actions are only in the best interest of the child.
where as if you had not articulated yourself correctly they could have dismissed you as an angry mother in a battle with her ex. They may not say it but they do that!
Go of what you have written in your original post in this thread show a pattern of behaviour(this is why womens aid is so important) TIMELINE! how he was before he needed a visa the effects on the child/ren ON YOU (the main care giver) etc the family needing your info you refusing and BAM now your in court.
Good luck though I am sure you'll do great its only a first hearing anyways.
Hi Shockedmum, thanks for sharing that.
JaxV how did yesterday go?
@Shoked mum, Thank you so much for this detailed message. I really appreciate you went out of your way to think about this and giving all these suggestions. Very much appreciated and etremely helpful!
@To the rest:
I am very very touched to open my post this morning and seeing all the "All the best/good luck" messages and messages thinking/asking about how my court hearing went. That is truly touching in a world where you see less and less of any compassion. Thank you very much for your warmth and compassion!! Means a lot :)
Re. Yesterday's hearing: It went well..the herbal remedy helped to stay calm..We waited very long but when finally went into the judge's room the hearing took only 10 mins. The judge said that CAFCASS wanted to do further investigation so they would interview my ex alone, me alone and then my son alone and asked if we both were ok with this and we both agreed. So that should happen any time soon before the next hearing. Next hearing is scheduled within next 3-4 months.
It was strange to see my ex though. I think if the support worker wasn't there I may have felt emotional. When we were walking into the judge's room we had to go through a corridor and enter 4 doors. He was walking less than 1/2 meter away from me in front of me and he kept the door open for me each time for me to enter behind him...weird. We had to wait in the same waiting room too where we sat appro 2m away from each other! Plus the judge said while he was there that I had requested for a screen and that couldn't be arranged and kind of mocked about it. To be honest, the judged seemed very insensitive and unempathic... worrying! The judge seemed really cold and when I asked when I need to provide him with documents (evidence) he was rude saying "I don't want any documents. We don't need any of that armed approach"!... Any one have any idea of how I can provide the documents (evidence) to make the case stronger when the stupid judge says this?? E.g. my sister who was sexually abused by my ex has send me a written statement testifying all what he did to her.
It is a relief that this first part is over but won't have proper relief until this case is over.
Thank you once again. Have a great week ahead xxx
Give that info to cafcass, I had to give the court information because i was disputing the grounds on which the court ordered a section 37, and they had send a disclosure of whereabout to my daughters school so i had to report myself to the court.
However with you it wil be down to cafcas, I dont know much about cafcass.
But you see when they give you a oppertunity to speak to the cafcass ppl then you can give her all the info you have and not the judge he goes of cafcass recomendation.
That is what you do prepare yourself for cafcass, get a timeline with EVERYTHING in it attach all the evidence you have to prove what you are saying in it. Give that to cafcass I dont know if they accept that but the lady that did my section 37 report did and she basicaly went of that. You'll be fine.
Your fella is clever by opening doors and stuff he probably never did.
Be smart don't put yourself in situation that make him look good.
The child's welfare is of paramount here.
You are more then welcome, and good luck with it all.
You'll ace it!
@Shocked Mum
Thank you ever so much, hun. Your advice is greatly appreciated and have been very helpul.
So perhaps something like a written statement I could provide to CAFCASS where for each point I make I could refer to the appendices e.g. "See appendix 1" (and then attach a relevant document as evidence to back up my point)?
You know, I feel so much better after reading your post as I felt bit down when the judge said he doesn't want any document. Cause I started worrying about how they would take me serious when they can't see all the things he has done and how it has been harmful to my son's well-being. Your suggestion has given me hope that I can still provide all this :) So thank you
And yes, I am very proud of my son as he is so confident and shares so openly with me about how he is feeling
All the best to you as well. I'll keep you updated
Hi JasV thank you for coming back and sharing what happened yesterday, it is pretty harrowing isn't it.
Shockedmum is right your ex is playing games, by opening the door etc, he is on his best behaviour! I remember how odd it feels though when you are sitting in a small room with your childs other parent discussing their future, it almost makes you feel more bonded.
Anyhow the first hurdle is over. I understand that the judge made you feel belittled and daft, but take no notice of them. You will get your say and use the documents you have.
I think the important thing with CAFCASS was said earlier Acknowledge that it is important that a child knows their father, these were Shockedmum's words:
I would WISH for my child to have a healthy meaningful relationship with her father however I would like for it to be in a environment free from abuse.
That is where you can use your evidence.
Did you do anything nice to treat you and your son last night?
hi well thts wot i said in my statement and to cafcase, s tht i wud love for my little girl to see er dad but it isnt the case ere, cafcass said i am right to av concerns, my ex is still comittin crime, stil smokin canabis , so he isnt exactly provin himself is he, i no now tht social are now again involved with ex and hsi kids and grilfriend,im glad im out of it, x
Hello JasV, you did really well and got through everything with great courage. As for what you need to gather, I suggest you write an email to our own Legal Expert (click)
Hope you have some plans for some nice times for you and your son before the next court hearing comes up 
The courts are so condescending when it comes to the feelings of women whom suffered domestic violence. We really have to fight to be heard, they mocked me when i wanted a screen. They tricked me into a situation, so that they could say "well you have seen each other now you don't need one". they mocked me when they kept him in so that he could not follow me home even my own solicitor rolled her eyes.
For a long time i really wanted to know if i could sue the court for the distress they caused me!
But I am now of the thinking these judges make people who have been through a lot worse sit toghether. Murder victims familes have to see thee accused in court, rape victoms get slaughtered in court by the perps solicitor etc etc.
Court is just an all round not nice place.
However its a very FAIR place.
So we should not feel hard done by at all and brush it of.
and keep fighting our corner.
well i must b lucky then, in court in front 3 judges my soliicter saif tothem my client request screen if she as to giv evidence they straight away agreed tht i cud av one if i av to giv evidence, in my case cafacss as bin very very sympethetic and so av the judges, so i av bin lucky,
Hiya kiera,
Did you not mention you been in and out of court since 2009?
Perhaps they had previous files to go of to not need any evidence.
But I am happy you feel lucky.
You have a barring order and that is very rare so it must be a relieve for yah :) xx
how did u no it was 2009,
wot is barrin order, didn tunderstand ur message at all
Because you told me in a previous thread.
And a barring order is the same as a Section 91/14.
wot hell is section 91 14 lol how wud i no tht
Here's the thread I was referring to,
http://www.onespace.org.uk/your-talk/discussions/alcoholic-ex-wants-access?page=4
Hi Shockedmum, I think in that thread that you mentioned, kiera was in court with a previous ex (her son's father) in 2009, rather than her current ex (her daughters father) and I am not certain but it was Darsen that had the barring order lifted.
I hope that clears it up!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooh lol
sorry shocked mum i got bit paranoid when u said 2009
lol its okay.
Thanks, that's really helpful 
Hi all :)
Hope you are all doing well and whatever crisis you were going through during the time of our last chat has now been resolved:)
Please accept my apologies for not having been on this site for a very long time now but I have just been in the mind-set to be on the computer. It was the last thing I wanted to do on end of the day after all the day-to-day difficulties and hassle. My son has been re-traumatised as a result of his dad wanting to see him. He obviously does not want to see his abuser...so it has been very emotional to see him go through all that and have just been trying my best to give him my support
Anyway, to give you a brief update. We have all three been seen by CAFCASS (dad, mum and son) and I will receive a copy of the CAFCASS report by 28th. The next hearing will be on 02/12. Fingers crossed, it will go in our favour,...so nervous and I feel like going crazy!
As I am representing myself I really don't know the procedure or what will now happen. I basically only had one hearing but the judge didn't invetsigate anything. All he said was that CAFCASS will do the investigation which has now been done. So on 2/12 will be our 2nd hearing where judge will read the recommendation given by CAFCASS and make a decsion. So will the case end after this? Will this be the last hearing? I asked the CAFCASS officer if she would be there at the hearing and she said no but that she could be called if there was going to be a contested hearing. What on earth is a contested hearing? I imagine that is either my ex or I object to the decision made by the judge e.g. if my ex's lawyer appeal or something? Will there be any cross-examination or anything on 2nd? Would I need to be prpared for anything specifically or will it just be a case of judge giving his decsion and that's it?
Say if the judge's decsion is for my son to have contact and I would not accept this order what would happen? My son completely refuses to have anything to do with his father and keeps begging me to do something about it and not force him to see his father. So what choices do I have if the judge decides contact order?
Thank you for your time
P.S. I would like to say a special thanks to Shokedmum as your advise in particulr was extremely helpful and something I kept in my mind through-out all this :)
hi i av bin thru ccourt it lasted over a year, i also went thru contested hearing, wasnt nice,you could appeal but tht wil take time, u av to go by what th ejudge says, my ex got no contact at all, apart from indirect thru 3rd party as hes not allowed any acontact with my adress at all, btu he asnt bothered with it, which i new anyway, case closed august, a contested hearin where u av stand on oath , my ex stood and my solciter interogated him , i didnt av to stand on oath cos of domestic violence really and i was so upset and stressed out, it last alday as well, was awful, but u get tbru it u av to
Thank you for your response, Kiera. I am so pleased to hear that the case is over for you now and hope you are able to move on now with some inner peace.
Thank you for clarifying this for me. Ok, so I hear than contested hearing is the same as cross-examination. So will this happen on 2nd as well? CAFCASS Officer said that on the 2nd the judge will announce the decision based on the recommendation she has given him. So what will basically happen on the 2nd? Will it just be veru broef where he makes the announcement or will it be here where all the cross-examination will take place as well? Would I have to prepare anything for the 2nd (I am representing myself)??
*very brief
Hi JasV
Here are some One space articles regarding courts and hearings etc click here here and here and if they don't answer your questions you could try our Legal Expert who should be able to help.
It is tough going hopefully it will all be over for you soon.
Hello JasV,
It sounds as though your ex put yourself & your son through a horrific time. I'm sure confronting him again in court is the last thing you want to do, but I admire your desire to do the best job you can in representing yourself.
Have a look at this thread - Shockedmum has given some advice you might find useful. Could you contact Women's Aid/your health visitor/GP and ask them to provide written testomonials to back up what you will be stating in court?