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Just thought I would open a chat forum for single dads.
I have a huge experience and knowledge of both legal and social care of children. I am a father who gained residence of his son, I am not an expert, but I do know a thing or two - I know the system.
Well, I was about to become a Dad, before marriage, thank god we stopped it. Not ready for that yet.
Hi umerseoig,
One Space is a site for lone parents. Perhaps you didn't realise that?!
Mary
Hi Mark!
I've been a single dad since January 2005
And I love it : )
Later.
Hi Mark66 - I would certainly appreciate your help/advice. Too much to write now but will brief you another time if okay and would be interested in your thoughts. Good luck with all. Take care
Hi Mark, read your message and apologies for delay in responding. Life has been hectic over last week or so and have had neither the energy or the enthusiasm to go through my case. However I have copied and pasted an email that I sent my MP in regards to the CSA and other issues including Social Services.
'Many years ago I married. She seemed okay for a short while, we had a child and then unknown to me she started taking cocaine. She was also drinking heavily. We split up. I started drinking heavily. She got in to a relationship with her drug dealer. I sobered up after almost dying. I went to AA and still do. I was honest about my alcoholism and I went for access to child and later custody. She lied about everything: her relationship with drug dealer; her cocaine use; made false allegations of assault; made false allegations of almost everything.
Everytime I got access to my daughter via Court system, she would stop it. She was threatened with jail. Cafcass Officer was involved and stated if she continued relationship with drug dealer then she would recommend custody to me. Ex wife said relationship had ended. Also if she tested positive for drugs (again) this would have a bearing. She denied taking drugs. I had her tested once through Court which proved positive. She claimed it was a one off, so we asked to test again and she refused to take another test. Judge refused to make her. She got custody.
I paid maintenance via CSA, but was almost bankrupt. I was a property surveyor for the Ministry of Defence. I didnt earn a lot (circa £25K and spent over half my yearly gross salary in legal fees. I was told I wasnt allowed Legal Aid as I earned too much. I couldnt afford to keep going back to Court, taking time off work etc. She also made another allegation of assault and I was found 'Not Guilty'. The MoD had offered voluntary redundancy and I took it and decided to move awayfrom the whole madness. I moved to Spain with my new girlfriend. Six months after moving, ex wife rang up saying I could have access to my daughter again. This is after 18 months of no contact. Apparently the drug dealer was no longer on the scene, as he had threatened to stab her and they split up (even though she stated to the Cafcass Officer that they had already separated which is how she got custody). Also, w
Not long after this she remarried. Very soon after requests for money for bringing up our daughter started. As I was so happy to have my daughter back in my life I started to send money even though I had no legal obligation. This then set an infrequent trend. I have some texts to support this. In October 2009 after the birth of my son I moved back to the UK. Straightaway demands for money started even though I wasnt working. I was threatened with violence by the drunken husband, when I took my daughter back one night. I did report this to the police but they have failed to act. I was told threats did not constitute an offence by Hampshire Police? To be honest I feel very let down by the relevant authorities.
Hello all charlie, thank you for sharing your story in full. The system seemed ranged against you! I have to say that my experience over the years is that the system tends to be geared towards the mother of a child. I know there are lots of female members of this site who can tell you that they have experienced huge anomalies, eg parents being convicted of violent crime and yet being granted contact orders, or parents being allowed to just walk away, and I guess you can read their stories on their particular threads. I have every sympathy with their awful and unfair situation. However, my experience over the last 12 years is that the system "in general" is geared towards women and this is perpetuated by the fact that the great majority of single parents with care are female (88% I believe is the latest figure) and your experience has been that despite the track record of your daughter's mum's new partner, you were not automatically given your daughter's care.
I am not sure where you go from here. You could try Families Need Fathers once more. There is also a really informative site called Separated Dads Uk, which I think explains things very well. The Fatherhood Institute has a lobbying role, for dads in general, whether separated or not.
Hiya Louise, thanks for the links. Yes I first realised I wasnt lucky when Milky Ways started ruining my appetite and Maltesers melted in my hand and not in my mouth!!! Having read a lot of the posts on the discussion boards it amazes me some men get anyway at all and the system does seem to favour the woman. Also hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I knew then what I knew now, I would have taken the time needed off work and established myself as the main parent. My ex never really looked after our daughter and because she was bottle fed then it was me getting up in the night to do the feeds. My ex has admitted this since as well but never to anyone in authority!! Clever as usual.
Think the worst thing I did was admitting my drink dependency (which came a few years after we split - mainly due to a broken heart regarding my dhgtr) which obviously didnt help my cause. Who said that honesty was always the best policy?? That said my drinking had got that bad I could not really deny it and had to face up to the truth and long term it has helped me. My frustration is that on the whole alcoholics are tarred with the same brush and that is not always the case ie violent, liars etc. Hopefully if I ever finish writing my book then I have got the platform to educate.
have a good day!!!
I look forward to reading your book... I keep threatening to write one too, but no time 
Your comments on milky ways and maltesers made me roar with laughter.
I'm sorry you're having to face so much.
Cheers Sparklinglime - must admit the book keeps taking a back burner - like you too much other stuff to do. Glad i made u smile - life can be tough enough at times without a bit of humour - trying to take the humour to the book as well. Just got to get it done!!! Better at procrastinating than writing at the moment.
Thanks for the sympathy - am sure you have had your fair share of trauma and whilst I never used to a great one for cliches - theres a lot to be said for what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I try to use that as my mantra!!! lol
Have a good weekend
Hi All chalrlie, I'm sorry that coming clean about your alcohol problem worked against you. I think you should feel proud that you faced your problem and got yourself sorted.
Does your daughter live with you now? Does she see her mother?
Thanks and I do feel proud (without wishing to sound arrogant) about getting sober, but it does emphasise the madness of the current system that someone who admits a fault and does something about it, is treated worse than somebody who denies an addiction and does nothing about it. My admittance made me an easy target. An example of this is Charles Kennedy ex politician/ex leader of Lib Dems whilst drinking heavily. He admits he has a problem and starts to deal with it and has to resign. Surely by stopping drinking (and staying stopped if he has?) he is better suited to run a party? However will get off my soap box.
Yes dghter has been with me about 2 weeks now. Everything is still raw as she is very disappointed with her mother for taking the stepfather back yet again after another episode of drink induced violence. Dghtr has spoken and met her mum a few times since all this happened but it is on dghtrs terms and I am fine by that. I aint going to try and pressure her to see her mum if she doesnt want to but I will encourage it. I am letting dghter do what she feels comfortable with. I met with Social Services y'day and they are keen for some routine and I am okay with that but I dont intend to play any part in it ie driving daughter to meetings etc. I have done enough and now it is up to her mother to step up to the mark. Bit harsh possibly but I have incurred enough expense and now its up to her mother to put her hands in her pockets. If she can afford drink, drugs, tobacco she can afford taxis and bus fares.
Hi allcharlie, I think it takes a very strong character to overcome alcohol addiction and I too take my hat off to you. People are very quick to judge alcoholics and forget the underlying person who is struggling with their life and essentially self medicating.
I think it is great that you will encourage your daughter to seek contact with her mother, as it is an important relationship, but I also understand you taking a step back in the arranging it or paying for it. Your daughter and her mother have to come to their own understanding of their relationship. Your girl must feel so very let down, but it is often said that as a long as a child has one parent who is consistent, loving and loyal, that is where they find the strength to overcome all other challenges. I believe you can offer her that.
Did you have a good weekend? What did you get up to?
Hi Anna, thanks for that. I must admit I dont feel a strong character and when I see a 'newcomer' I wonder how on earth did I ever stop drinking. Quick answer to that - a lot of help 
. Hope I can keep making the right call by my dghter - my one concern is that ex wife will kick out her husband and then dghter would go back. What I dont want is for her to yo yo between the two of us. Similar has happened before and I am not willing to be 'used' in effect. Call me selfish but I want to get on with my life now. Had this situation for too long and time to move on. Guess I am going to have to cross bridges as I come to them.
Trust you had a good weekend too. Took her to a party on Saturday night. She was one of the youngest there and didnt know anyone but she soon made a few friends and enjoyed herself over all. Didnt do a lot else but did drive up north yesterday evening so she can spend time with my mum for half term. I cant afford to take the time off work and dont have 'care' sorted out as yet. She wanted to see her nan and nan wanted to see her so decision made. Back down south for me tonight and then same journey next weekend. Oh the joys of being a parent!!!! lol Enjoy the day!!
Hi allcharlie,
I do the same with my girls. Took them to my parents yesterday and will pick them up on saturday. Child care in the holidays can be very expensive. We are lucky to have parents willing and able to help out.
It is hard not to worry about what may happen in the future. You don't know what your daughter will do if her mum kicks out the boyfriend. All you can do is provide a loving and stable home for her now, you never know she may choose to stay with you permanently 
Hi allcharlie, I agree with pancakequeen, you don't know what will happen in the future. Lets focus on doing the best we can with the Now.
Safe journey back down south!
Yeah one day at a time I guess - where have I heard that before!!?? lol. Thanks for your comments.
Best way
Hi allcharlie. You've been through the mill and back again. I'm delighted you now have your daughter, and it's great that you're encouraging her if she wishes to see her Mum. Hopefully, you're at the end of your dark tunnel. Hope she enjoys her time with her Nan. I'm sure she'll be spoilt rotten
Hi allcharlie, i trust you had a good journey back down south? other than work do you plan to do anything else this week, whilst your child free?
Hi Hazeleyes and Sally W. Its funny when you go through the mill and back you often dont fully realise what u are dealing with as you are focussing too much on getting through the troubles being caused. Looking back I do wonder how I have managed to keep going at times. But like most threads on here - you just do!!
Plan for today - lazy morning!! Got in late last night so catching up on rest. Then shopping and a bit of work. Tonight cinema to watch the Bond film. Mates birthday so quite a few of us going to watch that. Not sure about the rest of the week as yet, but know there is going to be plenty of 'me' time in there.
Hope everybody had a really good day!!
Hey allcharlie, your day sounds fab! I hope that you have managed all that you planned to.
Will you be calling your daughter for a little chat every couple of days, to see how she is doing?
How are you finding the whole thing? Have you taken to it like a fish to water, or does it feel awkward?
I think you're right allcharlie. When you are in the thick of a bad siutation its sometimes easier just to put your head down and get on with it. Its not until you look back and reflect that you realise what you have been through and what you have put up with and how well you have coped. I think it is important to remember that.
Let us know what you think of the james bond film.
Have just spoken to my mum and dghter and all going fine. Was a bit like a fish out of water yesterday morning but lots of things this end to keep my mind focussed.
James Bond film was a bit of a disappointment I thought. I think Daniel Craig is a brill Bond. The film starts off superbly - typical Bond film and then it turns in to the A Team v. Sacha Baron Cohen/Bruno. Very little depth of story and poor scripting I thought. A real shame as it promised so much. Still an enjoyable night out though.
Thats disappointing allcharlie. Glad your daughter is doing well. When does she come home?
Meeting up with her Saturday. Kind sister/brother in law have offered to drive her part of the way and meet up in the middle (maybe a hotel) and stay over night and then drive back Sunday. Dghter likes going out so she would enjoy this. So just looking at weather forecast and see what we can do. Hopefully a lovely weekend.
What about you, have u got any plans??
That sounds good all charlie. Your daughter will think she is the bees' knees. How wonderful that all your family has rallied round and been glad to welcome your daughter back!
Hi allcharlie, your daughter will enjoy that i'm sure.
I have had quite a quiet week, been at work during the day, going out for dinner with a friend tonight. Picking the girls up on saturday, not sure yet if I'll stay the night or drive home the same day. Its just been nice to slow down and do things at my own pace. I've also enjoyed getting out of the usual routine, normally I find that really hard but this time its felt easier. I think routines are a bit of a double edged sword, they give you structure when you're busy but I also find they make me feel trapped.
I'm glad she's having a good time allcharlie. Soon be Saturday
I'm glad the time's passing ok pq.
Thanks for your posts - really are all appreciated. I would be interested in your thoughts....
Ex wifes husband has quite a criminal record of assaults and threatening behaviour and has served a six year stretch for a serious assualt. As a result I specifically asked Social Services that my address was not divulged. Social workers report had my address on it. When I went to the Child Protection Plan I pointed this out and stated quite clearly (i have a witness and I also asked for it to be minuted) that I didnt want the address to be given out again. I have now got the report and guess what!! Yup - address on the report. I have fired off an email to the person who chaired one of the meetings and copied it to a few others. Have also emailed an MP. I am fed up with pples incompetance. i dont want to go to papers as I dont want publicity (but am thinking about it) all i want is for the incompetants to be dealt with. I have had the same incompetance and corruption from CSA, Police and now Social Services. Any thoughts??
Hey allcharlie,
I haven't read all of the thread and so apologise if I I've missed things.
I wholeheartedly agree with you on the divulging of adresses issue. I was unfortunate enough to fall pregnant by a man whom I didn't realise had such a violent past until later. He had been to my home and remembered the address and the name of my elder daughter. When my youngest was two he decided to take me and his ex-wife to court for access to 'his' children. The first I knew of this was a knock at the door by a court representative. He issued me with papers with the names of both of my children and also the name, address and birthdates of his previous wife and children. The court representative informed me that his ex-wife was also receiving a 'knock on the door and papers with our details on'.
I asked the rep how he would know if this guy was really my daughters father. "I don't but he walked into a solicitors and said so"!. Well the court rep could 'say' he'd fathered all the kids in the neighbourhood, could he? and that would make it alright to divulge sensitive information!!.
I neither wanted the personal information of these people and am disgusted that it was thrust, unannounced into my hands.
Hi allcharlie,
i haven't experienced what you are describing but I think I would be mightily p****d off if that happened to me. I can see that you have been let down by the services that are supposed to protect us as citizens. I don't know enough about the system to be able to comment but I can see why you are so angry. I hope you can find a way to get this sorted for you.
I agree this is a disgrace! I have come across instances where women had left violent relationships, secretly relocated and then were forced to give details about their childrens' dads when they applied for benefits, and then the CSA got involved and the CSA managed to send the dad some papers with the woman's new address on it!
You have to exhaust the "complaints procedure" of the organisation you are complaining to first, and keep copies of everything and a date record of what was done when. Every organisation has to have a procedure so ask for a copy of theirs. But I think the MP is a good idea.
Apologies for not responding and thanks for all your comments. Dghtr is now back safe and sound. Had a nice meal out on Saturday night but didnt stay over as intended as she arranged to see her mum yesterday. First day back at school today and that seemed to go down well and she is now watching Eastenders whilst I do a few bits around the house.
Thoughts please. I am letting her watch Eastenders because her mum let her. But I dont like it and I think it sends out the wrong message. What do you think? She has a Blackberry phone that she uses a lot and appears secretive about - again what do you pple think. I dont want to be the big bad father but also I am keen to implement what I think is good for her - but am open to advice. Meeting Social Worker on Thursday so also going to ask for advice from her. Hope you are all respectively having a good night after enjoying a good weekend. Take care
Personally I find Eastenders one of the most miserable soaps going - although we don't watch any of them here... I do know a lot of people who do though, and their children watch it and have no problems. I think its a good move letting her watch it though allcharlie as it could cause a conflict that can be avoided. Sometimes knowing they can will mean that she will lose interest, where as if she thinks she can't, it might make her more determined?
With my younger two I will have a quick look at texts and to see who they've phoned if they leave their phone lying around. Not always possible mind. I just like to know what's going on really, and as I pay for the phones I don't feel guilty either I know that this isn't always agreed with though, but just how I do it.
Glad she's back home and you're both doing ok.
Hi allcharlie glad your daughter is home Ok. Personally I would let her watch EE but watch it with her so that you can make (occasional!!!) comments or ask her things like "do you think it is ok that that person did x?" Sometimes, soap operas can help parents to highlight uncomfortable issues.
I have done some "nosing" into my sons' mobiles and MSN in the past, again I don't agree with it in principle but I did it 
and the contrast between the total non-events of their texts etc and the grand way they carried on about it all was quite marked.
I watch Corrie with my girls (not an eastenders fan myself), but like Louise suggested we watch it together and talk about issues as they arrise. As far as the phone goes, I too check the messages from time to time, just to make sure nothing untoward is going on, but like sparkling I too pay for the phone so feel slightly better about it.
Thanks ladies for the advice. Next question: what about Facebook?? Do you let your children on there and how much do you monitor? Many thanks in anticipation. :-)
My eldest doesn't have a facebook account as she's not old enough. Some of her friends have lied about their age, with their parents consent which I don't understand, but I have said no. So far she hasn't questioned me about it, but this phase with her is very chalenging so who knows what to come ??
My youngest is 13 and is on facebook, so is my 16 year old who has special needs. You can see how horrid I am here, as I have their passwords. I'm their 'friend' and will check their pages and their friends list. My 16 year old has had problems with a dreadful bully from Year 1 and I am forever finding him on his friend list. I'll go in and delete him.
I check through photos to see who has tagged them too, and will untag if I'm not happy (done that once, I think). I'm not happy about my lot putting photos of themselves or friends on, however.
I think Facebook is Ok as long as it is monitored, ie where in the house is the computer, can you see the screen? or do they go on using their phone? See this article about Cyber-Bullying. As with the texts and MSN, teens are often very self important about their stuff and a parent can imagine they are plotting a military coup whereas all it is about is what top they are going to buy next week. However, as parenmts we can't just give them carte blanche so maybe one way would be yes you can go on as long as I am on your friends' list?
I have no respect for women who use their children as pawns, children need both mother and father.
I have the utmost respect for fathers who parent their children, even after a split.
Having said that, something should be done about the thousands of fathers who don't step up to the place and who mess with their children's mental wellbeing when they don't stand up and father them.
As for the legal side veering toward mothers, well controversially I do believe children (especially young children) need to be with their mothers, with fair rights to the fathers.
Thanks Louise. As always busy with work this end. Just got back from Dover and managed to lose my passport there!! B*gger!!! Never mind it can be replaced. Have rang police and reported it lost so will wait and see. Always something!!
Thanks Natural Mystic - whilst I dont disagree with you - this one cap fits all that the current system seems to advocate - does not work. If I am being honest if I knew what doing the right thing would cost me in terms of sanity, life and money with hindsight what I should have done is to walk away and be one of the fathers you are referring to. Its a damn deal harder to do the right thing than do the wrong thing and that is not how it should be. My battles with the CSA have been exhausting and I will clearly say - I think they are corrupt!! They are as guilty as causing child poverty as the pple they are chasing. Corrupt hypocrites!! I also agree that children need to be with their mothers if that is the option, but where a mother is lying about her drug addiction, is not working and gets Legal Aid to defend her position - then again there is something very clearly wrong in a system that actually puts the child at more risk. This stupidity needs to be exposed. Like me paying CSA more money to feed ex's drug addiction just because they have chosen to believe ex's drug induced lies. Something very, very wrong!!! Still it has come back to bite her on the backside but it has taken a lot longer than it should have done.
Hope you all have a good weekend!! :-)
Oh what a pain allcharlie losing your passport, how was the trip?
Hiya Sally W - I only went to Dover and back on business, so it wasnt that exciting. Left early this morning got round M25 before traffic and back home in time for daughter. Shame lost passport (use it for ID purposes) and didnt need it either as is turned out, so lost it needlessly. Ho hum :-)
As a single dad* I just came here to disagree with what Natural Mystic said :D
*Since my two were five and (around) eighteen months old, they are eight and nearly ten** now.
**How time flies.
And! I don't think children 'need' both a mother and a father, it's a bonus if they happen to have them but only if they are beneficial to them... just one good one is enough, I think, better than two average ones anyway, or one OK one and one utterly terrible one, or even two terrible ones. Really at the end of the day a child needs positive love and support, a place to call home that is safe, a shoulder to cry on and shout at if need be... and lots of other stuff that is not defined by the quantity and sex of it's guardians :)
P.S. No offence intended Natural Mystic, I Just felt the need to disagree.
Hiya Bubblegum, Its funny you should say what you have about good parents. I cant think who it was now (maybe Cafcass Officer many years ago) that was saying it was better to have two bad parents than one good one. Not sure I agreed then or agree now. I guess it is all down to individual circumstances
Valid points you make there, Bubblegum. I'm of the one good parent is better than two parents who are struggling or managing things badly too. And if you're in a relationship that isn't working out, you can't put the positive energy into parenting that you might otherwise.
I also think that you can have 2 good parents who live apart (not that I have that).
Hi Mark66 yes you have been through the system and will have lots of experience to pass on to others, thanks for that
I wonder if there are dads out there who read our boards but who have not yet posted and would like to share their story or even just say Hi?