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Hi all,
My name is C. I split up with my Ex in July of 2011. I serve in the RAF and i am currently posted in North Y and she lives in B SW. The distance is approximately 280 miles. When we split up it was obviously all upsetting for myself and i tried to cling on to what we had but it just went. I was down to go to the Falklands in August and she allowed me to have contact with my son for 2 x 2 weeks end of July and start of August.
I am a good dad and i am very hands on. I have coped well with parental responsibilty when he has stayed with me and got stuck in to daily tasks such as change his nappy, feed him, clothing him, playing, bathing him and putting him to bed, etc. I do not have a home due to me being on an RAF base so the contact i had in July and August was in my mums house in L. Yes i travelled from Y to B to pick my son up then travelled to L. Total journey distance is 500 miles and a cost of £70. I then obviously had to do it in reverse when dropping my son off. It was hard but i done it to be with my son.
Well anyway i went to the Falklands and recently returned in December. Whilst i was away she allowed me to ring and speak to A but obviously he is 2 so doesnt really talk properly yet. It was pretty frustrating as she started to get a bit problematic, not telling me much about him and making it hard for me to ring up as she did not want to speak to me. Toward end of my tour we arranged for me to go down and spend a few days in b having day access to A. Obviously 4 months away so it was right to work my way back in and not have him straight over night.
I planned to see him for a few days then if all went well take him to L for a few nights. She demanded that i have him within an hour of seeing him on 16th December and that i was to have him until 24th Dec due to her being in work and that i had to help cos she needed to work (claiming benefits also) I didnt think it was a good idea as i thought 8 nights straight off wasnt best in A's interests. But she was so pushy that in end i thought ok i will have him.
She wanted him dropping off 24th so she could spend xmas day with him but ten for me to pick him up on 26th to have him until 1st january. So basially only day she wanted with him was xmas day and she wanted me and him to make 2 journeys just for her to have him for one day. In the end i had him from 16th december to 1st jan and i had him on xmas day. A total of 16 nights.
Well anyways moving on i then had further contact in january for 9 nights. Once again i took him to L. She was happy for me to have him. For 2 months she had promised to contact CSA and we agreed she would tell them i have A for 8 nights a month so i could get a reduction in maintenace. So on 1st Feb when i was returning him after 9 days in L i contacted her to arrange the next contact dates and to also find out if she had contacted CSA.
She told me she had forgotten and that she wasnt sure about when i could have him next. I told her to make sure she contacted CSA otherwise i would. She told me to go for it. Then i gets a solicitors letter through the post sayin she was stopping all contact and that i had to agree to have have A for 4 nights a month. This was to occur on 2 occasions of 2 nights.
Now obviously i am aware that when he gos to school i will not be able to have him on weekends. But i am also aware that he will have school holidays. So i have asked to have him for minimum of 7 nights during holidays of which she has rejected.
So i am in this situation now where i am having to take her to mediation and then if that does not work then off to court. I dont see how she can just reduce my access especially when she was happy for me to have him for 16 nights at christmas then 9 nights in january.
Ok i understand that he needs to get into a routine so i am happy to have him 4 to 6 nights a month with extended contact when i take leave of 7 - 9 nights a month. Is this reasonable? I have already proved i am capable of looking after my son. I had him for 16 nights over xmas and she has no argument really as to why she has suddnely restricted me to 4 nights a month. Which funnily enough will amount to 48 nights a year and therefore i would not get a reduction in maintenace! Funny how women work sometimes and i hope some of you take note of the fact that not all women are innocent when it comes to parenthood!
Hello scousecraig30
Welcome to One Space and thank you so much for posting as I am constantly championing dads and saying they do not get a fair bite of the cherry. The situation you describe is heartbreaking! You are already some way down the line with the process and I do believe that the care and commitment you have already shown your son will stand you in good stead if it does go to court, I would encourage you to stand back a bit from the emotions involved and rather than seeing it as a battle with your son's mum, be proud of what a good dad you are and intend to be,
I feel sad that this may well be about money from her point of view and wish you all the best for sorting this out, Re staying in contact with him over a long distance, some parents record themselves telling a bedtime story, others send a steady supply of picture postcards in the mail (as he gets a bit older) but talking to him on the phone is a good idea. Sadly all these are within the realm of the parent with day to day care and in that sense while he is little you are dependent on his mother's goodwill so it is worth trying your best to maintain a civil relationship with her if at all possible,
What you are suggesting sounds eminently reasonable to me. Have you had some legal advice?
I hope mediation goes well and that you are able to get regular contact with your son. What's going on is so unfair after all you have done to make sure you see a lot of your son.
Perhaps you can come to a private arrangement with maintenance in mediation rather than through the CSA? The nights of contact can be used by both parties when it comes to paying maintenance which can cloud the main party - the child.
It's great that your parents are involved too to save a bit of travelling - lovely for them to see him too. I see a lot of my ex-in-laws who have been tremendous support to me and my (now getting on a bit) children.
I have to add this, even though I totally see where you're coming from and understand your frustrations.
Unfortunately mediation and solicitors letters made no difference in my case as I was unable to get the children's Dad to see them regularly, even though at the time he lived locally.
So, not all men are innocent when it comes to parenthood as well... Perfect world, of course, both parents would chose to be responsible with contact and (in my case) with financial support.
So many presumptions are made when it comes to which parent is involved. There are so many separated parents who are able to amicably sort things out - just we never hear of them.
Well as i am in the RAF the situation i have is i cannot really get into a set routine of seeing my son on set days due to the nature of my job. We dont all work 9 til 5 jobs. So i have had to sit down with my boss and work out a rough schedule of when i can see my son over the next 6 months. And i forwarded my plan to her via my solicitor.
Basically i work 4 days on 4 days off and she is stopping me from seeing my son on the first day off i get so i am restricted to seeing him for 2 nights/3 days. Now obviously i am travelling from Y to B so i want to make the most of all the time i get with A due to the long distance travelling and cost. I know cost should never be an issue but if i am putting all the effort in to see my son then i want as much time as i can whilst im in W and thats why i am pushing for more time. Obviously when i take leave then it is worthwhile me taking my son upto L as i would have more nights with him and also my family get to see him then as it is hard for them to get to W from L.
But she is only restricting me to 4 nights even when i have leave and it makes the whole journey from y to w and to L and then back again not worthwhile just for 4 nights when i could obviously have him for more. I dont think a week spent with me in L is unreasonable. I have already proven i am capable of having him (16 nights over xmas, 9 nights in january) so she cannot go to court and make out i am not capable. She is silly really as i have all the messages at xmas from her pushing me to have him for extra nights, especially when i had not seen my son for 4 months. All she was interested in was palming him off on me so she could go out and play over xmas. Shes also engaged too and the fact she claims benefits while working behind a bar for cash in hand makes my blood boil.
I have to say I'd be reporting her...
I do hope mediation works though. Do you have a family liason officer in the RAF who can help with some advise? As if you do need to go to Court you can represent youself. Things need to be all child focused with things...
I don't blame you for being mad.
Well the RAF and my line manager are aware i am having trouble with my ex about contact with A but i am using my solicitor. It is at the stage now where ive put my proposals to her again and if she rejects it i have requested that it goes to mediation. At end of day i dont think i have anything to worry about as she is going to need a b#### good excuse to why she is now restricting me to only 4 nights a month even when i have holidays.
I understand that when he starts nursery that i will be restricted to weekend visits only but like i said when he has school holidays there should be no reason why i cannot have extended contact during those months. My family have a right to a relationship with him too and i do not expect them all to have to travel to sw to maintain a relationship with him. It is hard enough as it is with the long distances involved and she is making it harder because of her inability to sort things out sensibly as adults.
As things are, the extended family doesn't have rights - which I don't agree with. My parents have died, so having their Nana and Grandad has been important to my lot. I see them (still call them the in-laws) every week and we speak on the phone a lot too.
If I hadn't have taken them, then they wouldn't have seen their granparents as ex never took them there.
Sorry, going off topic.
You can ask for half the holidays and alternative Christmas'? That seems to be a starting point for many.
I know a lad comes to stay by us for all the holidays. He stays with his Dad's parents (his Mum lives in South Wales, we're on Anglesey). His Dad doesn't live at his parents but doesn come a lot when his son is home. He's great friend's with my son, and he seems to not have a problem spending holidays here. I'm not saying you should aim for all holidays perhaps with your parents, but trying to explain that it can work. We've been here six years, and this was in place before we arrived. The boy's 12 now.
I do hope you're getting support from the RAF though, as the forces life can make things so difficult (my brother was in the RAF, and living on Anglesey, do see a lot of things happening).
Hi craig,
You are right that both women AND men can be unreasonable at times.
It seems you are in an unfair situation because you have proved your worth as a dad but your ex seems only interested in what benefits/maintenance she can get. I gues you got keep fighting for your extra time with your son because both you and your son desrve it. Good luck and I wish you well x