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Hi Caroline,
it is always good to be looking for "the best possibilities" for your baby but the danger with that is that you can be too scientific about it, not because you want to be but because you just want the best for your baby....
But the most important thing is, that your baby is loved and comes from just nice people with good qualities and a good heart....
This donor sounds really like a good choice on paper, just chose what feels right Caroline, with your heart.
I so hope you will like him enough to be able to make that choice.....sometimes things don't need to be perfect....imperfection can also be very attractive :)
I hope meeting him will help Caroline.
And I hope you have a lovely holiday and are able to relax.
I am starting to wonder whether I am doing this the best way for me. If we both sign this agreement then I am basically saying I will not claim any child maintenance from him. Although I can release some equity from my house to give me a £10k lump sum to keep us going for the first 5 years after that money will be tight. Maybe i am better doing this in a way that i am entitled to child maintenance..
Child maintenance is not as it used to be Caroline. It is 20% of his salary - deductions.
If a donor becomes the legal father, he might ask either for the regular visits, which is every fortnight a weekend and also the Wednesdays overnight. Those nights will be deducted from maintenance. If he would like to opt for 50% contact, which is shared contact, there is no maintenance as you both have the same time with the child.
I think a donor has in mind to help you achieve a baby, not necessarily wanting contact or taking care of the child himself.....or having to pay maintenance for the next 18 years.
If he realises you might want this, he might back off as this is a huge financial responsibility for someone he does not love ? I think you have to outweigh all and that you know for sure what you want, as before it seemed you were worried about contact ?
He did initially say he did not see any harm with the child spending time with his father and it was me that said that i did not want him to have contact.. he said he thought he could cope with that as long as i gave him yearly updates.. But now i am getting a bit anxious about money in the future, it is hard to know what to do for the best. Maybe the best thing is to leave things as they are for now and just meet him and see if we still like each as people enough to go ahead with it. I guess i could then test the water a bit, regarding whether he would ideally want contact. He lives 50 miles from me so every wednesday evening and every other weekend is quite a lot and not sure that would be practical. I would only ask for a small contribution from him, but yes you are right i dont want to scare off someone who seems a good donor and a nice person and it does save me the cost of using a private clinic.
So many decisions caroline1973. Personally I think that if the father wants to be in the childs life then that can only be a positive. All children need as many people who love them in their lives as possible, because being a single parent can be lonely and isolating, being the child of a single parent can also be very lonely and isolating for them too.
You mentioned earlier on this thread that it is scary and daunting to make this decision on your own....... it most certainly is! For me this feeling never really goes away when raising children on your own. Whether you are choosing a nursery/school, coping with negative behaviour, managing a teenager or planning a holiday there are times when doing it all alone can become overwhelming.
When are you meeting this chap?
Thanks Anna. Reading back through his messages i am not sure he is on for a full on coparenting thing and regular payments however he does say he would like regular updates. I think maybe Skyflower is right, if i turn up when i meet him and start talking about regular contact, coparenting, maintenance payments i might just put him off entirely and i would have lost a good reliable donor. Maybe i need to take it slow with him and just say something like every 6 months or so i will phone or email with updates and pictures, then i can gradually get to know him more over time. Then at least i will have a bit more support than just doing this with a total unknown donor through the internet. Later on if the child wants to meet him and he wants to see the child then i guess we can discuss that. I am meeting him after my holiday - so first weekend in October. I found out at work we are going into a restructuring phase with consultations in November so i probably need to leave it until Nov or even December to start trying as i know if i am made redundant and out of a job then i will need to find another job and if you start somewhere new you are not entitled to maternity leave so i should probably be sensible about this and wait til i know more. I will still meet him in October though as no harm in getting to know each other so we are ready to start trying as soon as i know about my job.
i meant to write if you start somewhere new when you are pregnant you are not entitled to maternity leave
Great idea to take things slowly and get to know him first, but would have thought that it would be best to have certain things ironed out from the beginning i.e future contact, so that no one is under any illusions regarding either of yours expectations of the other.
Your right you have to be in your job for 2 years to be eligible for maternity leave.
I think it is a very good idea, Caroline, to take things slowly and see how it all develops, just like Sally says. But as it can take several months or longer to get pregnant and also many months before it shows, don't wait too long with it, Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing
You dont have to be 2 years in a job until you get maternity leave. But you do have to not be pregnant when you start a new job to get it. So if i for example I started a new job in January next year there would be no problem with me falling pregnant in say February next year i would still get maternity leave. But if i was already pregnant when i started at a new company i would not be entitled to it. You quite often get enhanced maternity terms though after a certain length of service, where i am it is 1 year. At the moment i am on a fixed term contract that ends in March but our boss says that is likely to be extended for 1 more year after that. I will leave it until November when the consultations start and if that seems positive will probably just start trying then or at the latest December. But yes Skyflower you are right it would not be right at my age to say leave it another 2 years or something. What myself and the donor have agreed by email at the moment is that he will have no contact (apart from me giving me yearly updates) and i will not claim any money from him. We have both agreed to have a solicitor draw up a donor agreement to say that and are splitting the costs between us. I think Skyflower what you said before was right and that if i start backing out saying to him i no longer want the agreement or want to change our arrangements then i might just put him off entirely. A donor agreement is not legally binding anyway so if say 5 years down the line i was desperate for money i could still claim child maintance from him. But yes he said that he previously pulled out of the whole thing with a couple of women as they were messing him around and he seems really happy with how things have been going with me so far so i dont want to jeopodise that, there are not many nice, reliable donors that dont live too far away so would be back to square one then! I think if i just take things slow, get to know him over a long period of time and then it may naturally end up they have a small amount of contact later on if thats what everyone is happy with. Will def keep in touch and keep you updated, it helps a lot to write to on here and get your comments as to be honest most of my friends are actually very negative about the whole thing and very sceptical of why someone would want to be a donor which is starting to get to me so am going to reduce my communication with them on the subject as much as i can. I have been message a woman through netmums who is doing the same thing and already 6 weeks pregnant which is helpful.
It sounds really well thought through Caroline and very sensible, I so hope it will all work out for you. He sounds like a really nice person.
I think your friends might just say it to protect you, wanting to help you and haven't really put themselves mentally in your position, not realising you can be hurt by it, or demotivated to share this with them.
There are many reasons why people do things and as long as you are happy with him being the donor, as you have had the contact with him, then that is the right way to proceed. I wish you happiness Caroline, and thank you for sharing. So glad you have found someone who succeeded
Thanks Skyflower, it has really helped to "talk" through it all on this site and get my thoughts straight and vent. Yes i think my friends are just concerned for me, I suffer from anxiety and have had depression in the past also and i think they are just worried i wont be able to cope with a child on my own. But yes i think you are also right that they are not really putting themselves in my shoes - just voicing more how they would think about it when our situations are very different. It is interesting actually that people i talk to about it who have children are actually quite encouraging - they all seem to say it is hard work but worth it for happiness and love you get from a child. None of the friends that are more negative actually have children.. at the end of the day its my life, my choice and i have to be happy with my decisions - obviously it would be better if i was doing this in a relationship but what they need to realise is that i am not in that position and its a critical time.. Yes its nice having the other girl in my position i can message also, although i dont want to burden her too much with all my worries etc. Thanks x
Good luck with everything, glad you have also found someone else that is doing the same thing that will be such a great help 
Hi thanks for your comments. You are probably right Skyflower - he is a doctor so obviously knows about these things and said that the grandparent who got Breast Cancer was in her 60s and at that age lots of people can get it regardless of whether they carry the genetic gene that makes you more likely or not.. and he says no-one in his family got cancer at a young age. I have a docs appointment next week so may ask there advice. As far as screening for other things like cystic fibrosis is concerned apparently there is only a 1 in 25000 chance of the baby getting. You are right in what you say Skyflower if i was in a relationship and wanted to try for a child i would not let 2 grandparents having cancer put me off and it would not cross my mind to have the other type of screening.. I guess it is not like either of his parents have any cancer problems yet or me or him.. One part of me thinks i have choices in who i pick to do this with so should look further for someone with no breast cancer but to be honest he seems the only person so far who is intelligent, responds to my emails etc and wants to meet up first and seems a nice person and doesnt live a million miles away. I will speak to the doc about it but maybe i should try to put the genetic disease thing out of my mind. At the end of the day i have a friend whos mum died of breast cancer only in her early 50s and she went on to have 2 children.. I am meeting up with the donor from Norwich early October after my holiday. Fingers crossed he will be nice and i will just go ahead with him. I think you can look forever for perfection!