PeachBlossom

Hi I've read some of your stories and realise I am probably not alone, although I am somewhat confusion to my intentions of removing access from daughters father. 

My daughter is 11 months and has been having access alone with her father for a couple of months now, which I have now removed. My reasons for removing the access is I do not trust him so how can I trust him with our daughter.

Reasons for lack of trust. My daughters father has a history of compulsive lying and theft.  He does not have a relationship with anyone from his family because of all the pain and hurt he has caused.  He asked his nan to stand as a guarantor for a car he purchased at the cost of 30K.  He never paid!  His Nan lost her house and now lives in a caravan.  He has also stolen from past girlfriends and his fathers jewellery left by his late mother (his nan).  One ex partner took him to court because he stole from her bank account.  He was made to repay her.  Another girlfriend found her CC pin numbers in his wallet and it transpired that he often took money from her accounts.  When my daughter was born I received a call from a loan company confirming me being a guarantor for his loan application I had no knowledge of - I logged it as fraud (note I own my own property and hold a successful job which I have worked hard to achieve – I have to protect my financial interests).  I then found out that he had been sacked from his job two months prior, for stealing but had kept this from me by getting up in the mornings and going to work…  I would even speak to him during the day and he would have pretend conversations with colleagues whilst I was on the other end of the phone saying he had to go someone from the office was calling him into a meeting.   He was then kicked out of his rented apartment as he couldn’t sustain payments, for 2 months he slept rough and stole food to live!  He now lives in a three bed shared accommodation that a homeless refuge found, which he has to move on from in a year’s time once he has found his feet again.  The list goes on.  But most recently I had my daughter christened and money went missing, of which he had access to.

There are loads more but this is to give you the gist.  My daughters father is quite rightly angry that I have removed access saying it is my hate for him that I am using her to get back for all the pain he has caused.  My reasons are that I do not know him nor do I trust him. 

I must also point out that I fell pregnant VERY quickly into our relationship and all this only transpire after my daughter was born.  Also his excuse for the theft from all his jobs (even though he was paid rather well) was to sustain his drug use (smoking cannabis) of which he tells me he no longer does. 

Firstly I question his mental state, I believe there is a mental health diagnosis that outlines his behaviour.  Secondly I question the effects he may have on my daughter in later life. 

Am I doing the right thing?  Your views / opinions are much appreciated

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 11:13am
Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Peachblossom and welcome to One Space. I can see why you distrust this man, he seems to have done more than a few things to make you question his reliability.

I understand that you wouldn't want him near your daughter however she does have the right to see him and if he is causing her no physical harm, then the courts would see it that way too.

Do you think your ex would approach the courts for access?

You question the effects that he may have on your daughter in her later life. From my experience as long as the person with day to day care is strong, consistent and loyal, they have the most influence. So generally your child may hear things, but will tend to carry your morals.

How is he with your daughter? Does she like seeing him? Does he seem capable of parenting her and caring for her needs?

 

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 11:59am

PeachBlossom

Anna,

Thank you for your advice. I do believe his intentions are to take me to court - I have asked him to.  I believe this will take the decisions out of our hands, by which I am relying heavily on the legal system to do right by my daughter.  I feel that it is important for my daughter to have access to her father and she does enjoying seeing him, a smile is clear on her face. 

However the solution I seek is to have access supervised as he is a complete stranger to me and trust surely has to be earned - isn't prevention better than waiting for something to happen?

 

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 12:22pm

PeachBlossom

I must add the access I was giving was every other saturday from 08:30 -18:00.  I work a full time job and long hours.  I also have an 8 yrs old son so I try to spend time with the children at weekends - I believe i have erned the right.  My son see's his father on the same Saturday, infact he stays overnight on the Friday.

I also feel it is important for My daughter to have a relationship with her fathers family.  As he does not have a relationship with them it is ultimately down to me, so I have to fit that in at weekends to!

What access do you think I should offer?

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 12:26pm

Tinkerbell2
DoppleMe

Welcome and I know what your going though as my daughters father is exactly the same (you sure it's not his twin lol) 

our daughter has health problems and he has even lied to the hospital putting her at further risk, stolen money off my family & myself, lied about the stupidest of things, got arrested for drug dealing (was only fined) and lied to me about it, stole £14.000 off his sister & the wedding ring his late mother left her. Stolen off past friends to fund his poker habbit. He claims to have more money than he actually does & has no sense of reality. he has lied to his now girlfriend about his relationship with our child ....I claim that he has Bizarre & delusional behaviour problems.

if it was up to me I would never let him near our daughter as he has done nothing but lie & let her down since the day she was born, hardly bother comes to visits now & makes up poor excuses why he can't come However saying this he is still her father and it really is the child's choice if they want the other parent in their life's (even though its upsetting for us to watch) 

in reality we actually can't stop the parent seeing the child, only the courts can do that :( 

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 7:12pm

Tinkerbell2
DoppleMe

Can you do supervised access at your home once or twice a week & see how that goes? Maybe with you there or a family member? maybe get a private agreement written up? that way if he took you to court at least they will see that you are making an effort for you to let visits go ahead & that will go in your favour 

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 7:16pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi PeachBlossom and welcome to One Space, i think that ultimately it will be up to you to decide on what you feel is best for your daughter.

You could contact our Legal Expert (click) and see where you stand legally, maybe then you will be better informed to make a decision.

Would you be able to supervise access for a while? i ask this as you could then see for yourself how he is around your daughter, this may then set your mind at rest as to your daughters safety.

Posted on: October 29, 2012 - 7:22pm