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Hi everyone
I was just wondering how everyone communicates with their ex's other halves? My ex has been living with his GF and her kids for a few months now and so far I haven't had any contact with her until today when she has written a long note in our communication book.
It's written in anger I think (I have good reason to suspect this) but written civilly. There are bits that don't make sense which probably just reflects the fact that my ex hasn't passed on crucial info to her. I know from things my ex has said which have come from her that she is critical of the way I deal with my children's health (although I think some of that is not fully understanding the situation).
So my thinking right now is to write her a reply that just addresses the things she brought up in the hope that just explaining my side of it as it were will help the situation. However, I think it's wierd she wrote the note not my ex. Seems a bit inappropriate really.
From what I can tell and what I know of my ex she is probably feeling fraustrated but instead of directing this at him (where it lies) she is directing it at me. Shouldn't I just be communicating with him about our children though? Especially as they only have them every other weekend it's not a 50/50 thing and they're not married.
What does everyone think? I'd appreciate the thoughts.
Thanks
Gem
x
Thanks very much Imdoingthis.
She's not exactly criticising me it's a bit vague in fact all surrounding the fact that she thinks I am giving the too much/the wrong medicine but she doesn't exactly say that.
The thing that makes it even wierder is I had to go over there half way through their time as I had forgotten my DS's shoes and cream and I mentioned this medicine and XH said there wasn't much left. He was very jumpy and wierd though so obviously she has tried to get him to tell me about it but he avoids everything hence why I think a lot of it is her being fraustrated.
I think it's a great idea to write back to both of them and glad you agree it's him who should be communicating not her.
My problem is he does tend to behave underresponsibly and this GF even if she hasn't behaved over responsibly in the past is being led into it now as I was. I don't want to feed into that - I only want to take responsibility for myself.
For example, I can see that she has been very put out by something that happened at hers which may or may not be a consequence of the medication she is unhappy about, but instead of dealing with "the mess" herself she should have left it to him to deal with and tried not to get angry about it. By taking it on herself and now communicating with me about it she is surely just being over responsible.
I'm going to think on this a lot before I respond. I have the benefit that I know what he is doing (she doesn't unfortunately) and I know that GF is just trying to do her best by everyone so I'm not offended. I don't actually need to do anything for another 2 weeks as that's when the boys will be seeing them again, but if I am going to respond I would prefer to do it promptly in the mail.
Thanks for posting
Gem
x
Hi GoodEnoughMum,
This is a trickey one, i would be inclined to agree with you by just answering the points that were made in her note, and sticking to the facts is always a good way to go.
I would imagine that if your ex is not very forthcoming with information it maybe easier for her to communicate with you about things that she would like to know about regarding the children even if it is only every other weekend that they have them to some extent she is involved in their life, you never know she may have been asking him to ask you about stuff and he hasn't so she has decided to do it herself.
Have just moved this post here as i had answered this on a duplicated thread.
if it was me i wouldnt reply!! i dont want ex's bit on the side ever getting in touch with me- and if she did i would respond with a letter to my ex.
Hi GEM, it sounds as though you understand why she has written in the communication book, if I had a boyfriend whose children stayed in my home, I would feel responsible for them and would want to ensure that the medication was correct. If the boyfriend doesn't give or have the answers then I would have to ask their mother.
So as much as it might feel as though she is slightly questioning your actions, she may just want to be clear on a few things. I completely underestand you wanting your ex to be the one that communicates with you however she obviously cares and she is taking the responsibility of looking after them seriously. Good idea to write to both of them.
chocolate81, I think if our ex lives with another woman and our children are going to stay at their house, we need to accept that she is more than a 'bit on the side' and that in most circumstances she will care about their well being and want to do the best for them (even though we may not agree with how she does it!)
It's him that you need to communicate with but firstly what has she written about is she critasising you? Your parenting? I wouldn't reply if it's just that inless she's got factual info wrong that you can politely put her straight.
My interpretation of a communication book is things like illness medicine etc so I'm not too sure what your ex's gf has written about.
So I think if there's crucial bits of information she doesn't know as your ex hasn't passed them on then you can start by writing them to her in a nice way, there's nothing wrong with communicating with her on a gental level just don't get to involved with her as your ex esencaly you need to communicate with and you don't want to complicate things, when you write back in future I'd write it as if it's for either of them to read.
Good luck x