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Hello
I am leaving my abusive and controlling husband (or trying to anyway)! I have finally plucked up the courage to find somewhere to live and told him what I am doing. After initially taking it well, he has now hit the roof saying I've gone behind his back (how else was I supposed to do it)? that he can't trust me, that he will fight me for custody etc etc. This is a man who has had very little to do with the care of the children and is generally annoyed and irritated by them, except when it suits him. It's a very long story! I have been told by a solicitor and a police officer that I can leave with the children if I want, as long as I say where I am going I am not abducting them or anything. He said police are useless and don't know what they are talking about and solicitors are only interested in getting their money, not the rights of the child (what money it's legal aid) All I want to do is rebuild my life. I am happy for him to see the children whenever he wants, and would really like to try and remain amicable and friendly with him. The alternative is him dragging me through the courts, which he has said he would do to spite me, even though he knows he probably won't win. His ex-wife did the same and he lost his other children, now I feel like I am being punished for that. (Why on earth didn't I run a mile when I found that out?) He really can be a nasty piece of work and I am terrified of what could happen. I know I should stand up to him and fight for custody but I am so scared. I'm not that strong a person, he is so manipulative. I believe he would even lie about me to make me look bad.
So any advice appreciated - do you think I am legally allowed to move out with the children?
C
He reckons as we are still married I cannot legally take the children away from him as he also has parental responsibility, nor can he take them from me. He reckons that can only be done once we are legally separated, I said for that we need solicitors he thinks we don't, he said 'well you can pay for it then'!
Now he's saying we can make our own custody arrangements, get everything down on paper then apply to the court for a court order. I think he is still trying to call the shots and control me and also trying to avoid forking out for a solicitor.
Thanks Hopeful for your kind comments, sorry to hear you had to go thru it too.
I might sound strong but I don't feel it - I wish I could record everything he says and play it back to people, they'd be horrified and would be able to spot how abusive it is immediately. It's just that I'm so scared of what the outcome of things will be - I'm sure if we went to court I'd get custody, but I'm worried about having to mention all the things he's done to me, all the times I've had to call or speak to the police - if he lost contact rights altogether or only got limited contact I'm scared he'd try and get revenge of some sort. I know I could get an injuction on him but do I want to have to go through all that? I don't know. The worst part about it is in between he is lovely and normal, so I get hopeful that things will be fine, then he turns on me again and threatens all sorts. And then I never know if the courts would believe what he's put me through, because he's all sweetness and light when he speaks to anyone in authority, and tries to make out like I'm the bad one, or mentally unstable! Classic behaviour of an abuser - I've read books on it and he fits the description to a t.
c
Hello there
Sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with Hopeful - you are strong. You have made a decision and you have confronted your husband with it. That isn't an easy thing to do. You (and the children) cannot live with someone who treats you like that. Do the children witness his behaviour at all?
I'm afraid that I cannot give you any advice about you leaving with the children, but I am sure that as you are leaving with them for the right reasons there shouldn't be an issue. I would definitely say stick to having the solicitor and don't let him talk you into making arrangements independently.
Have you kept a written record of the incidents that have happened?
Thinking of you.
x
Aaahh thank you for your reply, yes I am trying to keep a record of major incidents & things he has said & done. I have just read back through a statement I gave to the solicitor, a summary of what our relationship has been like and it is just horrendous. All while I knew something was wrong but just thought he was 'awkward'. Unfortunately the children have witnessed most of what is going on - no violence but a lot of arguing where I am trying to get to grips with what on earth he is going on about. Arguments have always tended to go round and round in circles with him not accepting anything I had to say or taking my words, twisting them and throwing them back at me. On saturday he kept me arguing for 6 hours, preventing us from going out. I know I should have just walked out but I don't know what he'd do if I did. Probably ring the police and tell them I'd abducted the children or something. It's like treading on eggshells all the time - we all have to tiptoe round him. If the children are too noisy he gets really angry. If their bedroom is too messy he tells them he will throw their toys away - I can't bear to listen to it. I can't believe that I will really be able to escape from all this. I bet he will try and make me pay somehow.
Dear cherelaine
You are welcome here!!
You know the answer to your own question, you have spoken with both the police and a solicitor (who spent years and years training in their legal profession) and they have said it is Ok so do not let him persuade you that he knows better than these experts! I believe you cannot take them abroad other than for a holiday without his permission, if he has parental responsibility. As for telling him where you are, that all depends on what your feelings are about the future, you could decide that his abuse means you need confidentiality for your own safety.
Please contact Women's Aid TODAY, they are the experts on the move you are about to make, here is their phone number 0808 2000 247.
You say you have read books about abusers and know in your heart of hearts that this is what is going on. Have a look at this and tell me which of these you recognise as being like your husband. The article also gives some information about The Freedom Programme.
As for him taking you to court and getting "custody" there is no such thing as custody these days, just a residence order. You have kept your records of what has happened (the times when the police were called are particularly relelvant) so continue to do this and do not hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened during this whole process. An injunction is a certain amount of hassle, yes, but far less hassle than you are currently experiencing.
Let us know how you get on, we are here for you and please do make that phone call to Women's Aid today.
See Cherelaine, told you someone would know! 
Now go girl!
Hey cherelaine,
I just wanted to add, once you leave with the children and don't have to suffer mental abuse on a regular basis, you will find more strength inside yourself.
Also - surely he hasn't treated the marriage lawfully - by abusing you? I'm confident that after some contact with the right support organisations - like woman's aid, and once you have physically moved yourself and the children out of the shared house with an abusive man, things will start to improve imediately in every way.
Good Luck!
Good luck cherelaine
Hi cherelaine
I am really hoping that you have contacted Womens Aid on the number that Louise gave you. You do not have to put up with his abuse and it is not fair on the children.
It sounds as though you are ready to leave, but you are questioning all sorts of things that will happen in the future, unfortunately there will be all sorts of issues regarding contact, injunctions perhaps, he will feel like he is losing control over you and will do anything to regain it, however now is not the time to worry about this, either you are staying in this relationship or not. He will twist and turn whatever you decide to do.
Leaving an abusive person is well known to be the most dangerous time for a woman. Please have a read through this page which is written specifically for women when they are at the stage you are: www.bdaf.org.uk/help-and-support/victims-and-survivors
This link is from a Bristol based domestic abuse organisation, but holds valuable information. You are a strong woman and you will get through this, its time to stop questioning and take that jump. Don't talk or listen to your ex any further because as you say it ends up being.......
"a lot of arguing where I am trying to get to grips with what on earth he is going on about. Arguments have always tended to go round and round in circles with him not accepting anything I had to say or taking my words, twisting them and throwing them back at me"
This is a very common trait of an abusive person and is intended to confuse the hell out of you. My ex was very good at it and when I read what you wrote I actually laughed out loud as I remember feeling sooooo confused/baffled and I would wonder what on earth was going on! By listening to them and trying to understand it all is just buying into what they want, your undivided attention!
Please let us know how you are doing, if you get the chance, we are here for you as and when you need us 
Hi,
you have come to a really good place, lots of lovely people to give you advice and support!
I think you are a very strong person, because really you've made up your mind to do something about your situation! You have found a place already, and sought legal advice and everything!
I can understand though, that you are worried - your husband has probably been using his tactics to 'keep you in check' for a long time, and it takes a while to shake all that off. My first husband was like that, and I used to worry myself sick when he'd threatened to call social services and tell them what a bad mother I was. And yes, he told lots of lies around the neighbourhood and in all the local shops (apparently I left all 4 children in the house at night to go and sleep with whoever came along...) and I got lots of nasty looks. But I also had friends who understood the situation and were very supportive.
Assuming that you are the children's main carer and he is at work all day, I would think it wrong not to take them! If a solicitor has advised you that you legally can, too, that's reassuring!
One of the 'experts' should be along in a little while and give you some proper advice and probably some links to other places where you can find even more support.