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Hello everyone, first post for me.
I have a 19 year old, a very hard work one and hes been that way since he was about 5. He has a girlfriend, lovely she is and really no bother at all. She has been staying at our house at an increasing rate for the past year really, at first it was the odd night, now its practically 7 nights and days, basically she is living here constantly. Last night I said to him that I just wanted her to stay at the weekends, which I think is fair, he went beserk. Told me that he would rather be locked in a police cell than live here, told me he hates living here and that he wants his own space!! What about my own space!! Any advice would be very helpful indeed as I am at my wits end with him.
Hi tiredmum,
Yes it is very hard indeed and instead of saying "no more stay overs" ive tried to compromise. It would be nice to feel that this house is actually mine and not theirs for a change!
Another thing is the cost. She obviously showers/bathes here, eats here, basically lives here and its all for free, another mouth to feed is taking its toll.
I think my son thinks that a flat will just appear, that all the bills will pay themselves and that the washing and cleaning will be done by a fairy, he has no concept at all of the cost of setting up and maintaining a home.
Both him and his girlfriend are full time students but both with time when not at college to get part time work, instead they do not venture out of his room, well they venture to the bathroom and the kitchen and thats about it.
Oh yes I know exactly how you feel about the cost side of things, its nice on the one hand that they have friends/boyfriends over but then they start to eat and oh can they eat.
Maybe sit them both down and explain to them that you are not being mean but be honest about the cost involved, I did that and it did work, both girls listened and are now much more considerate and always ask before inviting someone and if my answer is no then they know its with good reason. Hope that sort of makes sense to you
Part time jobs are so scarce where we are, both my girls are trying really hard to find something but there isnt anything around. They are both a college but as you say they also have days off.
I ask them to help around the house as a way of "paying" their way which again isnt ideal but it gives them some way of giving back xxx
Hi again tiredmum,
I did the sitting them down thing, a few times in fact and they listen but then my son always manipulates the situation and she ends up staying for days/weeks on end. So, I had to put my foot down and say enough is enough.
My son's girlfriend will help around the house, doing any dishes that are left for example but it wasnt always like that and I had to do a whole sink full after doing a whole day at work before I could make the evening meal. They do tend to tidy the pots away now.
Yes the cost is increasing, toiletries, food etc. Im sticking to my guns though and a weekend only from now on x
Hi scallyally
Oh how I do sympathise!!!! I have two teenage boys aged 21 and 16. The elder does live independently now and so he therefore has a good idea about what things cost and he gives lectures to his brother about how lucky he is to have a nice home and food on the table and the laundry done.
I am all for getting tough with teens. There is no need to get cross, in fact you lose ground if you do. Have a look at this article Family Contracts. You could agree to let the girlfriend stay X number of nights in return for whatever you think fit: chores or whatever would help you. You could say (calmly) that you want this to work out well for all of you but if he cannot respect your wishes and compromise with you then he will HAVE to find alternative accommodation....... a big reality check. It may seem cruel but otherwise you have to think....will he still be living here (and insulting me) at the age of 30 then??
Louise, that has crossed my mind. And no, im not going to be in a situation where I am chewed in my own home, as is the case now. I do agree with a family contract though, I like that idea a lot but I know it would only work in the short term then I would be back to square one. He has two options, one to move out then she can stay all the time or she can stay at the weekend only ie Fri, Sat and Sunday nights. My son is the type that if you give too much choice too then he will manipulate the situation further. Whilst this is his home its mine too he is going to have to get used to my one and only rule. The thing is my sons girlfriend mother says on a regular basis to her "go and stay at your boyrfriends so that I can have ME time and read my books" that kind of annoys me a little!
Ooh GRRR 
, what about YOUR "me time" then? Sounds as if you have got a handle on the whole thing and I do think you have to be firm, I don't mean with hundreds of rules but just the things that are important to you, as you say.
Oh yes, she loves her "me" time and will chase sons girlfriend off up here so she has plenty! Shes an odd one, she doesnt think twice of allowing her to walk out of the house in the snow/rain/dark to either get the bus or walk up to our house.....her car parked on the drive! Strange one she is.
Yes I think ive got my head round this, compromise is what Im about, as for my son, he has to learn what the word means!
scallyally, good for you, you sound very determined, please let us know how you get on xxx
Hi scallyally.
My 19 year old can drive me nuts, and I'm not sure I could cope with the behaviour you're dealing with.
I'm lucky as there' s not girlfriend. Having said that he shares a room with his two younger brothers, so when he does have a girlfriend I'm not sure how things will be.
We had a family meeting a couple of weeks back as things were getting difficult. Ok at the mo though!
Thats good to hear sparklinglime as peace in the household is vital!
The funny thing is that he told me the other day that when he gets his own place that his girlfriend wont be staying every day...yet he wants her here every day!! Hard work I tell you.
Youre sorted for when girlfriends want to stay over, there is simply no room! Maybe I should start looking for a one bedroom place that way no room for my darling son!! only joking!
Hey scallyally, your first post made me laugh...... if our children say that they would prefer to be locked in a police cell and they want their own space.......how easily we could create that for them!!
I don't think they get that we often feel the very same way!! At least in a cell, no washing, cooking, cleaning, working and NO moany teens!! ha ha. I should stop because at this minute it sounds very appealing!
Louise makes a very good point - do not lose your temper - teens thrive on that and then everything gets out of hand.
Hi Anna, a very interesting take on it lol, never saw it that way but yes a stint in there would be like having a rest!
You and Louise are both very right about not losing my temper and I can say that I didnt at all. My teen does thrive on that big time as he thinks he is clever enough to turn around the trouble he has caused onto me, it doesnt work! He's also very good at manipulating any situation to his advantage and to make me feel sorry for him, its sadly failing miserably day by day and do I feel guilty? Do I heck as like! Maybe I did once but I dont now, that is a terrible habit he learnt from his father as he did the same to me.
Aha you have it sussed! One thing teens tend to do is distract you from the main discussion, throwing in red herrings such as "you don't trust me" when actually you are trying to agree a sensible curfew for when they have to be home. The technique to use in that instance is the famous "broken record" technique:
Parent: I would like you to be home by 11
Teen: 11! huh! don't you trust me?
P: You are asking if I trust you, that is not the issue here, I would like you to be home by 11
T: ah you're avoiding the question, you obviously don't trust me, you treat me like a baby, that's tight!
P:You are not happy with what I said but I would like you to be home by 11 tonight
T: too right I am not happy, everyone else gets to stay out later, what's your problem?
P: I have asked you to be home by 11 and I need you to agree to that time
T: Can't it be 11.30?
P: I may consider a later time at the weekend but tonight I would like you to be home by 11
....and so on.....with the parent staying as calm as possible. Think Lady Gaga's "Poker face" 
Louise, do you know my son!!!! That is uncanny it really is!!! He is EXACTLY like that, only its taken me a few years to work that out!! Your reply has left me with a smug smile on my face lol.
Never again will I ever lose my temper with him though, oh that would be too easy, far better to be in total control but I do hope that he ends up with triplets one day lol
There are days when finding the energy to be a parent can be challenging 
Lol scally ally I am now laughing at him having triplets!!!!
sparklinglime you said it, its very very challenging indeed.
Oh Louise I hope he does, triplets, ha, that would teach him hehe. Im being treat to a weekend away that should re-charge the batteries!
Hi scallyally, how lovely for you a weekend away, hope you have a great time and do recharge your batteries xxx
Thank you so much tiredmum, really looking forward to it xxx
Scallyally you deserve a treat, cant wait to hear all about it when you get back xxx
Oooh that sounds exciting, where are you going?
Hey scallyally, did you have a lovely weekend?? Come on we want to hear all about it! Who treated you? Where did you go? Did you get to relax? It was stunning weather here :)
Im back! Ive had a lovely lovely time and its just so nice to be waited on hand and foot. We went to Bamburgh Castle and had a drive over to Holy Island for coffee, other half was panicking in case the tide came in and ruined his car even though I had double checked the timetable!! Bamburgh Castle was lovely, very grand indeed. On Saturday we went to Seahouses for fish and chips which we ate in the sunshine. The hotel was lovely, it was the biggest bed ive ever slept in!! We have a kingsize but this was a super king and wow huge!! Wonderful food too and just so nice to relax. Teen text me more than I thought lol, I really think he missed me.....he just wont admit it! Thank you Louise, Tiredmum and Anna for asking xxx
Hi scallyally. Sounds like a wonderful weekend. The bed especially so, and being waited on hand and foot. What more could a woman ask for hehe. Of course your son missed you, but like you say, he definately wouldn't admit it. Not macho lol. Hope things are going ok between you both. Take care.xx
That sounds fabulous! I'm so glad you had a lovely time.
I would love to go there! Its on my list of things to do when the children leave home...
Hi scallyally
How lovely, definitely a battery recharger that!!!!!!
Definately a battery recharger! Ive been yawning my head off all day at work! Very very relaxing indeed. Sparklinglime you have to go and visit, its a lovely lovely place. xxx
How wonderful and just what you needed! It is lovely up there, I went a few years ago, sadly with teenagers in tow, lol.......went over to the wonderful Holy Island and they chorused "It's borrrrrr-ring" Sparkling you have the right idea about going without the children!
Wellll.... I've told the children that I'm going up to Scotland and the North East of England when they leave. Also I'd love to have a cruise in Norway, in the hope of seeing the Northern Lights.
I keep joking that I'll save a £1 week!
Anyhow, the children think it sounds so wonderful that they all want to come along. They've promised they'll pay for themselves and won't ask if we're there yet...
I'm determined to get there though.
Sparklinglime, do it!! Save £1 a week in one of those pots/tins that you have to break to get to the money!! I dare you!!
Oh wow scallyally, I have just googled Bamburgh Castle, it looks sensational and sooo peaceful, we have all been crowded round my computer here in the office turning green with envy. Lucky you.
It sounds like you had a truly super time and it all went fabulously well including the weather. I hope your son's text weren't nightmarishly worrying ones, but 'where's the jam' kind of thing?
Anna it was gorgeous. Bamburgh Castle is very impressive, as you drive along the little country lane it just appears and then before you know it its there right in front of you, its so majestic. Just as we got to the castle there was a quaint tea room on the right and it does a gorgeous cream tea!!
The text from my son were yes very much along those lines!! "what are you doing now mam" and "mam where are the potatoes" he missed us I know he did. We had a wonderful time its a beautiful place.
Glad the texts weren't heart wrenching ones, just innocent ones to put a smile on your face!
Sounds like a heavenly weekend away
Hi scallally,
Its so hard isnt it to strike a balance with teens, I have 2 teens girls at home and they both love to have people staying over and like you it does wear me down at times. I have also said that weekends are the only time I will have people staying as it became an every night thing.
Where does your son thig he will live it not with you and does he realise how much it costs to live independantly? Does he work or is he in education?
You are not alone in having difficulties with teens, it is probably the most testing time of all xxx