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Hi all, sorry not been around for a while. I'm looking for some help and advice on what to tell son if anything. Yesterday we were told my Dad has got cancer, I'm not sure that I should tell L but my Dad told him he was not very well and was having tests. He didnt say what for but L on a few occasions has asked if my dad has cancer. Up until now I've told him no or that we don't know what is wrong and that is why he is having tests. L keeps saying if you get cancer you die, my dads diagnosis is not terminal so not sure how to convince L it won't die yet at least. Basically I just wondered if people think I should tell him and if so what do I tell him and how?
Thanks
Hi zippy, I am really sorry to read that your dad has been diagnosed with cancer, thank goodness it isn't terminal. I have no experience of this but it sounds as though Skyflower was able to deal with her mothers' illness very effectively with her children.
Here are some resources that you might find useful on How to talk to your child about cancer from Macmillan, Cancer Research UK or NHS Choices. All are very good.
Let us know how it goes, we will support you all we can.
Hi skyflower thank you ever so much for sharing something so personal. L is 7 and yes you are quite right some people go on to live for many more years and from what has been said so far I think this is what they are hoping for my dad. Someone said to me that if that's the case why bother telling L and letting it upset him but I know he will realise something is wrong and like you say the bodily changes are going to be noticeable. I don't really want to lie to him as I don't think that's a positive thing for our relationship. Hopefully it will all be clearer when I begin to get my head round it more.
Hi Anna thanks for the links will be sure to have a look at them later today.
Thanks for your support and help
Your right zippy children do pick up on these things or even over hear adults discussing it, it is probably be best to be open about it then at least you can discuss any concerns/questions your son has.
I know we want to try and protect our children, but sometimes that can do more harm than good. You will be equiping him with skills that he may need when he is older.
Thanks Sally these were some of my thoughts was just questioning them because of how confused I am
Hi zippy, I think that you made a valid point in your previous post, you are feeling very confused. I think that it is important that in this situation you find some peace/acceptance with your dads illness and then you will be in a stronger position to support your son when you have decided to tell him.
So as emotionally challenging as all this is you are thinking clearly. How are other members of your family coping with the news?
Hi Anna I've not really spoken to other family members other than my Mum and its hard to tell what she is really thinking.
I have told L tonight very simple details, he has taken it well and doesnt seem upset, i have forwarned school and am expecting him to get worse when it really hits him
Zippy I am so sorry to hear about your dad and hopefully he will get the best treatment and be able to enjoy a good quality of life. I think you have handled things really well with L and I do think he needs to know the truth (obviously a 7-year old's version) Also it will teach him that cancer is not a word to avoid (one in four of us will get it at some stage!) and that it is possible to recover, or to live a reasonable life with it controlled.
I wish your dad all the best
Thanks Louise
yeah I have dumbed it down for L to words he understands and also body parts he understands. He has seen my dad this weekend and hasn't mentioned anything to him which did surprise me as it was the first thing he told his dad on the phone on Friday night.
Dad is seeing the specialist again on Wednesday to talk more about treatment so will see what happens then
Lets keep fingers crossed Zippy, we all feel for you
Thanks skyflower
Well done, zippy and all the best to your dad.
Thanks Louise
Hi all just a little update dad has been to see the specialist today and has been given a treatment plan to last up to the end of the year. He also has to go back tomorrow for another scan as they suspect that the cancer may of spread into his spine, if this is the case then they have said that they will review the treatment plan. At the moment I just feel very confused with it all and I don't seem to be getting the answers I want from my mum and dad
Hi Zippy it might be that they haven't been given the answers themselves ? Maybe it depends on the results of the next scan, I know it is such a difficult time for you full of uncertainties and sometimes even if they think they know the answers, the reactions to the chemo might be surprising, it is so difficult at times, I feel for you
(((((hug)))
Hi skyflower, Thanks . Yes I think you are right about them not knowing the answers. I think they have struggled to take it all in with still being in shock from some of the things that they were told yesterday. I just wish that my brother who took them to the hospital had actually gone in with them. A third pair of ears just might of picked up some of the other bits. I'm just hoping that they will find out the answers for me but more so for themselves. I spoke to my other half last night and he has said that when we see them next weekend he thinks we should sit down with them and talk it through with them and see if we find out more about things that way and if not he has suggested that I get them to make a Dr's appointment for me to go with them to find stuff out.
Next scan for his spine is later on today so hopefully we won't have to wait too long for the answers from that.
Thanks again for your support
I understand how frustrating it can be when we don't get those answers too zippy, i went through something similair several years back with my sister, i think going with them is a great idea, hopefully you will have some answers soon.
(((Big Hug)))
I hope so Sally I really do.
That is a great idea Zippy, to go in yourself, make a list of questions you have beforehand so you can ask exactly all the details you would like to know. But sometimes they really cannot tell you more as sometimes it is unknown how a patient reacts to treatment, or not everything is straightforward as it is such a sneaky disease. Hopefully the scan will bring some of the answers that you all so much need
Loads of hugs zippy.
I'm sorry you're facing this.
Hi skyflower, I can understand what you are saying but I'm sure some things they'll be able to tell me for instance he has to have hormone treatment what does that mean are they creating more of one, less of one or more than one maybe. What are they hoping this will achieve??????? I know everyone responds to treatment differently and I'm not expecting an answer as to what the exact outcome will be but I just feel I know very little. Yes hopefully the scan will bring more answers and fingers crossed some good news.
Hi sparkinglime, thanks for the hugs, I'm finding I need lots of these at the moment.
L has started to tell me that he is worrying about my dad and is seeming a little teary at times but he has been fine at school so not sure what to think about it, I'm wondering if its being used as an excuse not to do things or as he's told.
Interesting point zippy about L. He may be using it as an advantage point however you must hold firm. Acknowledge, empathise and then logic: 'Yes it is sad about Grandpappy, but today he is ok and we have to keep strong for him' then change the subject.
I know it is easier said than done, when our little ones look even slightly upset our heart goes out to them especially if we are sharing their pain. He probably will have wobbles about it, but this is a good lesson for him to learn, that we can't dwell on the sad stuff and life goes on.
tell him the truth in a way he can understand and age appropriate. My children were told their grandad was very ill and might die. He did so i still had to tell them sad news. Also took them to the funeral youngest was about 3 at the time.
Hi Zippy, how old is L ? There are many different types of cancer and some can be treated in such a way that a patient has many more years to live. My mum had bowel cancer and had been visiting us for months at a time as we did not live in my country, my children were 7 and 9 when she died (2 years after diagnosis) and I have been very open about it as they had such a good connection with my mum and we went to visit her when she could not come to us anymore due to chemo, they saw her without hair, with a wig and again with her own hair later on. I found it easier to be open about it and explaining that the hospital was doing everything for her to keep her as comfortable and healthy as they could and that she could still live a long time, so they understood if I was sad sometimes and cried, or had to take a plane out to go with her to hospital for a result as she was too scared to face it. It made them cope very well when actually they knew it were the last few days at the hospice. But every child is different and it is only you that can decide what is best for your child. I am sorry you all have to go through this as it is such an emotional ride. I hope you will have all the support you need xx