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Hi everyone,
i have been divorced for 3 years now, and we moved away from London in 2007 and moved to a sleepy town in Kent. The boys (of which i have two 11 &14)father still lives in London with my EX bestfriend, with whom he had an affair with! The problem i have is with my 14 year old. He used to be a good lad with straight A's at school. He made friends really easily and was a big hit with the girls in the neighbourhood. But in the past year, his school work has gone down hill big time, with him now getting D's!! And very recently, i spotting a comment from one of his friends on Face Book stating, he cant wait to have (my son) him around again so they can get stoned and play FIFA 11!! When i asked my son (and i did ask, i didnt shout) he denied it, saying that his other friends were "puffing" but he hadn't. He was really upset and denied it, swearing on his and his brother's life!!!
However, the other night he came home from being out with his friends, and he smelt of smoke....not just on his clothes but also on his breath, so i asked him if he had been smoking and he denied that too...saying, all the lads i hang with smoke thats why i smell of it. I explained patiently that, whilst his clothes would smell of it, his breath would only smell if he had been smoking too. He finally confessed that he "had tried one" and that was all.
Today, i found, in his room, an empty packet of cigarettes, some filter tips and an empty tobacco tin, with remains left in it.....however, it didnt smell of cannabis ( i have a brother that is addicted to it, so I'm very familiar with the smell). I have got straight on the phone to the GP and made an appointment, not sure if that will help or make things worse!
His moods are terrible, he is angry alot of the time, but doesnt know why! He doesnt eat very well, and says he doesnt want to eat. He cries alot too, saying he hates his life, and wishes his dad was still with us. He sees his dad every weekend, and he goes on a friday night through to sunday evening.
I work from home, i own my house, we have a relatively good life, although money is tight, we are not in poverty, and i try to explain to him, that life really could be a whole lot worse then it is.
I have strict rules with both my boys,on times they have to be in, and they do all homework BEFORE they go out with their friends, they are not allowed to roam the streets at all hours, and they also have strict bed times...although my eldest usually listens to music before he goes to sleep.
They both have a relatively good relationship with their dad, but they both hate his GF. She has twins the same age as my eldest.
My eldest is also currently on two week grounding for bunking off assembly! Last night, my eldest was sobbing like a baby saying whats the point in living like this.........and this worries me deeply!! By the end of our long chat together, he said he felt a little better...but i wasnt overly convinced by this. And i couldnt help wonder if he was maybe craving either a cigarette or cannabis? he got neither!!!!!!
Their father, although having a good relationship with the boys, automatically blames me for any failings (and he sees this as a very big one on my part) which doesnt really give me alot of support or help. He then has a "massive moan up" (as my son puts it) to him on the friday night.....after saying to me, that he doesnt like to moan at the boys as the doesnt see them that often! (everyweekend is pretty often to me given he lives nearly 80 miles away)
So can anyone please help, or give advice....is anyone in the same boat, or has been and if so how did you cope with it!!
I would be very grateful for any help/ advice
Having been a heavy smoker at various points in my past from the age of sixteen, having mixed in those circles, I think, I may be wrong but I think... your son is smoking or at the very least has tried but does not feel he can admit it to you.
This is from my own experience on the issue.
Don't worry about it too much, at least don't make it an issue that results in confrontation, I don't think that will make it any better for you.
With his age and the things going on in his life I think you should try and get him to talk about it, that and everything else in his life right now, not that I'm saying you are not and obviously I know it's not as easy as just me saying that.
It's a difficult thing and you can't stop him.
No amount of parents and web sites about the dangers of drugs will deter young people from taking them when they see their friends taking them to no apparent detrement, particularly when they are having so much fun doing them. And to my experience the only dangerous one is heroin and the only detramental ones are cocain and speed, my X did them and so that's why I think that about them, but then so have I and I'm OK. I've never come across anyone for whom cannabis has had any sort of major detramental effect.
I wouldnt blame canabis for your sons falling grades and such, just maybe as another simptom of somthing else, just maybe being a teenager and having moved and his parents having split up and all that, school, peers, life as a teenager, etc.
I've had a lot of experience with drugs, personaly and with the people around me, both negative and positive so if you think you want to ask me anything please do.
Either way and whatever, don't let it get you down... lots of young people experement with drugs and then go on to be perfectly 'normal' successful adults.
Thanks for that, Bubblegum 
Hey Mempsey,
is there away that one could recognise the name of your sleepy town in Kent without saying it? I'm in one of those, too.....
And I have one of those sons, too! Although I think mine's given up on the smoking for now (or maybe I'm just hopeful!). I had some fantastic advice here and although I can't really say what I did that has improved the situation something did work!
I try to be as open with my lot as I can, and I agree with Bubblegum that there are usually other issues that are masked by this unacceptable behaviour. Has your son ever talked about the whole divorce business?
It's a good thing also, to try to talk to the other parents involved and team up!
Not much advise, but I do understand just what you mean.....
Big hug x
Hi mempsey
I agree with most of bubblegums post, except I have seen detrimental effects of marijuana use - well the use of skunk to be more precise.
However I am not saying this to shock or scare you. I smoked 'weed' from a young age and believe that it is something that some young people do and I think the focus on your son should be about him and not his smoking etc.
When I was younger (14) my parents moved us from a village to a city, it was a massive culture shock. My parents were very busy trying to settle in and had each other, my brothers had both left home and then there was me. I didn't know it at the time, but I was lonely, lost and confused at how people behaved so differently to what I was used to.
I mention this because, my folks were so busy, they never had any time for me and I ended up making undesirable friends!
SO, it is really important here for you to make friends with your son. He needs boundaries and parenting, but he also needs to feel like he is a likeable, loveable person. He has been hurt and rejected by his father. Talk to him about him, not the drugs.
What sort of things does your eldest like doing?
You might want to speak to YoungMinds - the UK's leading charity committed to improving the emotional wellbeing and mental health of children and young people and empowering their parents. They have a freefone helpline: 0808 802 5544
I hope you have found the messages supportive, how are you feeling about it today?
I have to say it is rife in School nowdays...My daughter is 15 this month, and says that a lot of teenagers she knows in school smoke it, or have tried it too. She even told me she's tried it, but doesn't smoke because she sings... It's very hard as a Mother when you hear these things, but at least she does tell me these things which I am at least greatful for. Also a friend of hers who's just 14 has apparently been having sex with her bf...I tried to talk to my daughter about this too, telling her that she had all her adult life to be doing this, and at least wait until she was in a loving relationship( hopefully at 18+)She laughed at me saying that was too old, and that two thirds of them had had sex in her year...Now this is either very untrue, and/or worrying...
But it does go to show that times have indeed changed a lot and are different to my School days,in different ways. I do remember when I was at School and we went comprehensive, and the girls that joined used to carry flick knives, so I guess there has always been something going on.
All you can hope is that your children feel that they can at least talk to you about stuff...the policy I have always had with my daughter is that I've always told her the truth about things, so I'm hoping she will feel she can continue telling me things...after all, all we can ever do is support them and be there for them, and hope they develope into capable adults. Going through something like a relationship break up must be very hard for them too...but again all you can do is show them that you will be there to support and love them...
Mitch! I think your last paragraph sums it up very well : )
Hello mempsey
So it sounds as if he has maybe had a try of a cigarette but no real evidence of cannabis at the moment? It may help you to have a read of the Talk to Frank website.
At the same time your boy is experiencing mood swings and distress and this is not being helped by his dad's involving him in things as if he is an adult insted of 14. I would srongly recommend some counselling for your son, not that there is anything "wrong" with him but just to give him a place to vent his evidently strong emotions about the separation and how much his dad has let him down, without fear of upsetting you. There may be counselling through the GP or the school or Relateen are excellent in helping young people. He can learn some anger management too, and be reassured his feelings are normal, he sounds a bit depressed, bless him, it is so awkward for young men these days especially if they do not have many strong male role models to look up to. The one he DID have -his dad-tuned out to be a let down for him, no wonder he is so sad and angry.
Mempsey, there is so much you are doing right, you maintain firm boundaries for your boys and it sounds as if you have a loving relationship with them so please do pat yourself on the back for that
, your son is lucky to have such a strong and loving mum
Once your son has had a chance to talk things through, then either he, or you, or both of you can write a polite letter to his dad saying how awkward he finds it when he hears you criticised and he wants to have a relationhsip with his dad that is free of contamination by adult quarrels.