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I can relate to this alot, Anna. My situation was a little different because I never fell in love with my ex before I was trapped by him (through pregnancy). I actually was about to walk away from him and had someone much better lined up. But when I found out I was pregnant I felt (and made me know it) like I was stuck with him. Initially it was awful as the violence was almost instant from the day I told him I was pregnant and I just couldnt see any good characteristics in him at all.
But as time moved on and I accepted my fate I kind of grew to love him (I dont hink I was ever 'in' love with him). At certain points of our relationship I actually felt happy and complete. He started to seem more good than bad to me.
Even now 6 years on I find it hard to hear other people bad mouth him. I feel bad for him all the time and deep down there is some love in me for him. He often likes to cry to me over the phone and this is really hard for me because even though I know the tactics he is using (I have done the freedom project) I still get slightly drawn in. Its crazy.
It is bizarre isn't it!
You didn't love him, you didn't even want to be him, but in a way it sounds like you were kind of punishing yourself - you made your bed and you were going to lie in it, in fact I wonder if you were already under some kind of spell from then, if he was the one making you know that you were stuck with him.
Knowing what you know now and if this situation arose again, would you stay? Would you feel like you had to, if they said so?
Have you heard of the cycle of violence? There is no beginning or end but lets say it goes like this:
Tension building - Violent/abusive incident - minimisation/denial/blame - hearts& flowers/honeymoon period - period of calm - then it all starts again with Tension Building - and on it goes.
Do you recognise that cycle. I found it fascinating when I first learnt it. My ex was only actually physically abusive every 6 months, he was often emotionally and verbally abusive but the rest of the time, he was just my boyfriend and we had fun together and like the statement in the Stockholm Syndrome I recognised that any bits of niceness I absolutely thrived on! My life was very much about massive highs and massive lows, but rarely a steady constant.
You know this guy, you know why he is like he is, you have shared very initimate moments and probably secrets. Him calling you and getting emotional IS a tactic to keep you onside. If possible you need to resist these calls.
I know you want him to see the error of his ways, for him to recognise what a fab person you are and be repentent, but it is extremely unlikely that this will happen. It is playing on your low self esteem.
If you were to say, actually I can't speak now, I'm busy or I am out with my girlfriends, if you need me call me tomorrow, how would he react?
Hi Anna,
I have often asked myself if i could of rewound time would I have stayed and each time the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I think he did put me under a spell from day one come to think of it because I actually knew him from high school and I wasnt very nice to him back then (I was quite a popular girl and he was just - weird!). He always asked me out and I always told him to sod off!! When I met up with him 8 years after leaving school he told me how he had been in care and all the awful things he was going through during our school days and I just felt terrible. I think that was why I even gave him the time of day. As our relationship went on he made sure he made me pay for 'dissing him' back at school.
I think the biggest thing that kept me there though was fear he always said he would hurt my family if i left . I did try to leave on 3 seperate occasions before I properly left and each time he turned up at the friends house I was staying at and I just didnt feel like I could put my friends through the drama he was going to bring. I had like a God complex about him I thought he was untouchable and nobody could stop him. When I did finally leave I was convinced he would kill me but I no longer cared. I wrote a will and everything and gave instructions to my friends to make sure that they pointed the police in the right direction.
Now I realise he is just a big coward and a bully.
I dont answer any of his calls anymore (unless he traps me by ringing from another number). I prefer it when he is aggressive on the phone though because it makes hanging up on him so much easier. When he is upset I will still hang up but probably not as quick as when he is angry. Amazing really that even after all this time there is still a tiny part of me that does feel sorry for him.
It is completely understandable, because of our inner strength we do feel sorry for them. We know that we are able to be content with life without controlling others and they very obviously are very unhappy people.
I have recently found this amazing woman's website about DV and there is one page that I have found really useful, click on The Belief in a Just World harms who are abused and controlled.
Not answering the phone when you do not recognise the number is really good way of protecting yourself and taking control. You could say to yourself as well that he is not a bad person, but his behaviour IS and that is why you do not want him in your life.
Hi Thinks-she-is-g
I have just written this on another post, (probably to Ali Jay), but I want to share it here with you.
I have worked for the last 5 years with survivors of domestic abuse and run many programmes supporting 100's of women. I lived with an abusive partner for 7 years and he is the father of my daughter.
I have learnt so much and understand an awful lot more now than I did when I first left him, but one thing that was still bothering/puzzling me was Why did I still love him even after all the knowledge I now had and work I had done on myself?
One night I was looking for a book to read and asked my daughter if I could borrow one of hers, she gave me Ice Cream girls - a fictional book for teenagers!
Long story short, I found my answer at the end of this book. The reason why we still love these men is because whilst we were with them it was safer for us to love them than try and leave. It was more logical to love them, otherwise we would have 'just left'. We loved them to protect ourselves.
There is really interesting research about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that soldiers of war and victims of kidnap experience. It is now being recognised that survivors of domestic abuse also suffer from PTSD too.
We try and protect our partners from themselves, we tamper our behaviour to support them and help them from their troubled ways.
In 1973 there was a prolonged bank robbery during which the victims ended up supporting their captors. This behaviour is now called the Stockholm Syndrome, here is the explanation:
The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play when a captive cannot escape and is isolated and threatened with death, but is shown token acts of kindness by the captor. It typically takes about three or four days for the psychological shift to take hold.
A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your tormenter!
I can truly recognise myself here if I change 'captor' to boyfriend and 'captive' to me. What do you think about this??