5 Stages Of Grief

Hi,

I came across this on another website a long time ago, when I was first separated from my ex. I posted it on our old message board, and know that it helped alot of us understand what was happening to us. I have just read a couple of posts, and thought that this might help some of our new members. Its a long post but well worth the read.

Grief, or the process of accepting loss, whether it's the loss of a parent....... or the loss of your romantic partner follows five stages.

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial
At this point, your mind is so challenged to accept the separation that you refuse to believe what's happened. You try to reassure yourself and minimize the anxiety by telling yourself that life is as it was before the loss.

Anger
Next is anger. Anger can include blaming others for our loss and sadness. It's not uncommon to show agitation by having emotional outbursts. Sometimes that anger gets directed toward ourselves: How could I possibly have allowed this to happen? How could I possibly have trusted this person with my emotions?

Bargaining
You might bargain with yourself, or God. You might offer a conciliatory offering of something perceived as a sacrifice to surrender: If only the reality of what happened could be erased ... I'll start working out ... I'll give up working so much ... I'll be more attentive to my partner. These are bargained "deals" that grieving people try to make so that a loved one will return as if nothing occurred. Bargaining is the natural tendency of the mind to juggle between acceptance of the loss, the discomfort of being alone, and the new genuine desire to do something extraordinary to have a loved one return.

Depression
Depression — whether momentary or enduring — is almost an inevitable phase for someone who has experienced loss. As such, it is often the most difficult stage to process. Depression can make you feel as if you are stuck in a quagmire, unable to move, helpless to a weighty feeling of something pulling you inextricably downward.

Depression is accompanied by listlessness and tiredness, uncontrollable tears, or a lost sense of purpose in life. You may assume responsibility for everything, feeling as if everything is your fault — even things beyond your control. The typical pleasure and joy you receive from activities that have previously brought you delight are subjugated by feelings that you are being punished. Therefore, the feelings of simple joy and pleasure are not allowed to surface.

Thoughts of suicide are not unusual. If, at any time, you feel motivated to harm yourself in any way, please seek professional counseling.

Seek help before grief becomes so all-consuming that it drowns your desire to eat, sleep or take care of yourself, or you resort to alcohol or drugs to relieve your anxiety. The basic functions of living and establishing a routine are what will help you cope until enough time has passed to allow your mind to acclimate to the new situation.

Acceptance
This is the final stage of grief. It is when you realise and accept that life moves forward, and you have hope and optimism for the future. You have newfound energy and your goals for the future now seem attainable. It may take some time to reach this stage, but you absolutely will reach it — a place where the mind processes experiences in a healthy, productive manner and is free from hopeful longing that the relationship could have led to a different result.

No one can say how long it will take to go from denial to acceptance. In fact, no one experiences these stages in the same way — some people may not follow the five stages in order and some may not experience one or more of these stages.

In addition to those classic stages of grief, we are taught that you do not necessarily follow them in the order shown, nor do you necessarily leave one stage permanently. It is quite normal to revisit them, but that doesn't mean we are going backwards - just that there are areas that may need a bit more work, bits of the lesson we haven't quite learned.

Also, lots of us talk of the loss of our hopes and dreams, the futures we had planned, and this is where the additional stage comes in:

Reinvent...

your community
yourself
your future
your dreams

Hi there.

I am new to the site. I read your 5 stages of grief and how true! I cried!

My husband left me about 8 weeks ago now, I have two boys, nearly 5 and nearly 1.  I am still really raw but the above makes absolute sense.  I am nearly at the acceptance stage, thankfully, but do keep going back to the other stages.  We are due to talk on sunday to find out what is happening with the boys and the finances so I am hoping that will put me more in the acceptance stage and then i can start feeling a bit better about the situation.  I feel like I have been living a dream that it is happening to someone else these last couple of months, but trying to be strong for the boys.  They are truly gorgeous and do not deserve to be going through this.

All i want is for their dad to take some responsibility for them and not let them miss out on the things that they would have had if we still were a family of four. I am used to doing everything as their dad worked long hours but not having the back up support is the hardest, didn't realise it would be this tough. Still miss him desperately but suppose it is still early days!

Hope to hear from some of you with words of wisdom. Thanks ladies.

L X

Hi Girls

So pleased that you found this helpful. I swear when I was going through the split, This was my bible

Even after 3 years I still find myself looking at it, but I know that I am still in the process only because I am still trying to keep our home, so sometimes still wish that everything was as before, even though my life was c**p when we were together. But I know that once our homelife is secure, I will have moved on. Life is so much better now, and yours will be to. Take time to grieve!

Take  care

J xx

Hi I just found this site and new to this chat thing.  My boyfriend chucked me out of his home when I was 6 months pregnant after he said he didnt lov eme anymore, he asked for my forgiveness a month later then walked out on me and seren when she was 4 weeks old.

I am so angry and upset.  When I look back I feel that he caused the premature birth of my daughter Seren, who came at 33 weeks.

She was fine but after two weeks in special care and been able to take my baby home with me I felt I had been through enough? But no, a few days after Seren was home he then got up and walked out of the house when seren was crying at 4am and said he didnt want to be with me.

One minute I want to kill him the next I get upset cause I cant understand why he did it.

To make it worse he see's his baby daughter once a fortnight.  I hate him for this, she needs a dad.

Hi Joanna,

I think your still in the denial and bargaining stages. But its still early days for you as well. I don't think any of us understand how the absent parent, can just walk away and sometimes not even want the contact with their children, we see our kids grow, and see all the little milestones, first smile, laugh, reaching out for you to be picked up, and so it goes on right up until they are adults. Thhis is not our loss, it is the absent parent who misses out on so much, they have to justify themselves to these children when they become adults and understand what has happened.

Maybe its time for you to get out in the world and do something for you and Seren ( beautiful name btw) make new friends, and try and stop dwelling on all thats happened, you can't change the past Joanne, you can make a better future for you and your girl!

Take care

J xx